Relationship Advice from Me

[Edahn]

I've wanted to start this thread for a while but I haven't had the guts. I'm starting this thread because I like to help people, I like to take apart people's minds, and I want to get some practice in case I go to grad school. I have zero qualifications except my own experience and observations of others.

My plan is to listen to what you have to say, ask you some questions, and then give you some practical advice, along with my take on what's going on. I hope it will help. That's all. I don't really mind if other people want to offer advice too. I don't especially do MBTI analyses because I usually find it irrelevant, but here and there it could provide some added information.

Maybe maybe now and then I'll post some readable and short essays on relationships or self-improvement or something. Okee. Thanks for reading. If you need advice in private, you can PM me.

[PinkPiranha]

You can make out with me. *shuh*!!

[The Third Rider]

OK get a room you two.

[Jeffster]

So, my girlfriend keeps leaving nasty notes on my door, they say things like "Stay off my property" or "Stop rummaging through my garbage" or "If I see you using those binoculars again, I'm gonna call the cops." I'm thinking maybe we just aren't connecting on a spiritual level or something. What gift should I get her? Lingerie? Or a coupon for 20% off a breast enlargement?

[kyuuei]

>.o Well to take this a bit more seriously.

I have a problem currently where I'm scared to get into a relationship. I keep thinking that even if I found my soulmate, I wouldn't want to make him hold his breath while I did all the traveling I tend to do, and my job isn't exactly an easy one for anyone to put up with.. so I just assume it easier to not have one at all. I've had a few men tell me they wouldn't mind that, that I'm worth all of that.. and I still turn them down thinking 'They say that now...' .. Do you think I'm a bit justified in that train of thought? Or am I not giving these guys a chance to prove themselves because I've seen what the uglier sides of distant-relationships entail and I'm just being a puss about starting one at all?

[Edahn]

Originally Posted by Jeffster

So, my girlfriend keeps leaving nasty notes on my door, they say things like "Stay off my property" or "Stop rummaging through my garbage" or "If I see you using those binoculars again, I'm gonna call the cops." I'm thinking maybe we just aren't connecting on a spiritual level or something. What gift should I get her? Lingerie? Or a coupon for 20% off a breast enlargement?

She's playing hard to get. You should just be more aggressive.

[Edahn]

Originally Posted by kyuuei

>.o Well to take this a bit more seriously.

I have a problem currently where I'm scared to get into a relationship. I keep thinking that even if I found my soulmate, I wouldn't want to make him hold his breath while I did all the traveling I tend to do, and my job isn't exactly an easy one for anyone to put up with.. so I just assume it easier to not have one at all. I've had a few men tell me they wouldn't mind that, that I'm worth all of that.. and I still turn them down thinking 'They say that now...' .. Do you think I'm a bit justified in that train of thought? Or am I not giving these guys a chance to prove themselves because I've seen what the uglier sides of distant-relationships entail and I'm just being a puss about starting one at all?

Hm. Well, I happen to think both are true. I've been in a long-distance relationship before and it was terrible. The truth is, though, that the distance wasn't the biggest factor that made things go bad. The distance just exacerbated the underlying problems which were there all along: an inability to communicate feeling, a fear of rejection and intimacy, and all the behaviors that grew out of both of those that spawned new layers of dysfunction and complication. The distance makes things worse because you have no regular "down time" where you're connecting just by virtue of doing the same thing or being in the same area. Absent that time, there's a lot of pressure to connect over the phone, and the pressure blocks your ability to really connect. So, over time, your conversations start to sound mechanical or extremely emotional. You may have some of your own experiences in long-distance relationships that makes you weary of entering into them, too. So, your fear of getting into a long distance relationship is legit.

On the other hand, I don't think every long-distance relationship is doomed from the start. I could see a long distance relationship working under two conditions: (1) you begin with a solid foundation, which is really a solid friendship. It doesn't have to be perfect, but it should be something on the right track to friendship with a basic intimacy and comfort level; (2) either your situation is temporary, or you can spend a significant amount of time together throughout the year (every 4 months, for 3 weeks, maybe?). If you don't have (2), I think the only way it could work is if you're both extremely independent, and extremely comfortable with one another, i.e, very good friends.

I don't think you need to write off having a relationship just yet. What I think you should do is keep your reservation in the back (not the front) of your mind when you date. If something looks good, ask yourself after a little while if you think there's a chance it can persist over long distance. If you're unsure, that's okay. No one's 100% sure. But if you know in your gut that it'll fall apart, then maybe you should keep looking.

Just a thought: maybe you can find someone through work who has a similar schedule and can travel with you. Not sure bout that.

[Uberfuhrer]

Can you give me some relationship advice that doesn't involve kidnapping or Stockholm syndrome?

[kyuuei]

Hm. Food to nibble on for thought. Appreciated, highly. My mind looks at all this and thinks "Makes sense! That's me!" .. but getting to the deeper meanings and applying it to my life takes a bit more sinking in. I'll probably revisit that post several times within the next couple weeks now. XD

[Edahn]

Originally Posted by Uberfuhrer

Can you give me some better relationship advice that doesn't involve kidnapping or Stockholm syndrome?

Sure. Let go of trying to be someone else all the time, including the dark and desperate guy who can't have a relationship that's not somehow perverted. Even you, Uber, can have a normal, fruitful relationship. You have some interesting things to offer a companion. Sometimes we see them, sometimes we don't, but I believe you're in better shape than lots of people.

I think you probably need to start by making some (more) real life friends by hanging out in places when you don't have to "front." For you, that means a place where you don't have to act all morbid and dark, but could if you wanted to, in moderation. I get the impression that you need to learn how to make friends, especially with females. I think that will go a long way for you. Have you ever had a female friend, not on the internet? Is making friends an option for you, or do you need some ideas/advice there too?