Succinct Rules for Good Communication

[Edahn]

I was talking with my cousin today who is having problems in his marriage. He is reluctant to communicate them to his spouse because she often attacks him until he feels guilty about bringing anything up. This, I assume, is in part related to the way HE has communicate with HER in the past. All in all, there is a lot of turmoil in their marriage that I believe could be avoided if they aBidened (heh) by certain rules. So, reflecting on your intimate relationships with friends or lovers, can you come up with any succinct, memorable rules for healthy, efficient communication?

[Edahn]

1. Try to phrase things that bother you in terms of the way they affect you, rather than explaining how the other person must change. No one likes it when you deprive them of autonomy and will rarely yield to instructions unless there is mutual concession.

2. Keep in mind that anger is a reaction out of pain. It may take a while to be able to see what's bothering your partner, but remember that makes it easier to see through the anger and not take it as personally.

3. Real progress is made when people are listening. Listening is more of a zone than an activity. When you're angry and blaming, no one's really ready to examine and take responsibility for their actions.

4. Don't be afraid to apologize, but don't be too quick, either.

5. Don't be afraid to look weak by sharing your needs. Standing up to that fear will make you stronger.

6. Sometimes just spending time together watching TV or not talking can be very healing and nurturing. Know when you play this card.

[sciski]

Don't devalue the other person. Their feelings are valid, even if their impressions might be incorrect.

Don't devalue yourself. Your feelings are valid, even if your impressions might be incorrect.

If both partners understand this, it could lead to more open and unrestrained communication, without fear of attack and reprisal. Basically it is about creating an atmosphere for communication where both people feel safe about being vulnerable.

(Or what Edahn said, in a less ordered form.)

[kuranes]

Don't excuse all of your own actions as being the result of "pressing or unavoidable circumstance" while blaming all of your partners disputed actions on his/her "character".

[Bella]

Tell it like it is, I find tact to be useless, sometimes.

[ajblaise]

Originally Posted by Bella

Tell it like it is, I find tact to be useless, sometimes.

You're questioning tact.. you don't care about safety rules..... you're loosen it.

[Bella]

You reckon?

[ajblaise]

Originally Posted by Bella

You reckon?

by SJ standards..

[Bella]

Whoo yeah! I'm a regular rebel without a cause. Now I'm gonna make some real waves by changing the capitol 'B' Bella to a small a small 'b' - bringing out the big guns.

[ajblaise]

Originally Posted by Bella

Whoo yeah! I'm a regular rebel without a cause. Now I'm gonna make some real waves by changing the capitol 'B' Bella to a small a small 'b' - bringing out the big guns.

Wow... FBI, keep your eyes on this one. She's a loose cannon.