For those in long term successful relationships?

[BerberElla]

I'm curious to know what you think the magical ingrediant is that keeps your relationship/marriage ticking along and lasting?

Is your partner really that perfect or is it that you have learned to overlook/settle inspite of your partner doing many things or even a few things that annoy you or you dislike?

It just seems to me that all the people I know who are in long term relationships seem to be settling and putting up with behaviour that would drive me mad after a certain amount of time.

I mean I will try to ignore certain things, try and convince myself that they are not important, and that there are numerous good qualities to said person. However eventually those things I am ignoring will come to the surface and I will lose patience and the relationship will be over.

There are things I would break up over that others would find unbelievably ridiculous, it might not be for years but eventually I crack because I'm an idealist (of course lol) and my ideal isn't so ideal anymore.

So how do you do it? Are you settling or have you truly found the one?

[Trinity]

Relata-what

Yeah I know, I'm helpful.

There are things I would break up over that others would find unbelievably ridiculous, it might not be for years but eventually I crack because I'm an idealist (of course lol) and my ideal isn't so ideal anymore.

I get that

[animenagai]

hmmm? call me unqualified but there seems to be only 2 options here.

1. you guys are different and you have to put up with it.

2. you guys somehow magically really match since day 1 and have next to no problems.

i can't really see a 3rd option. that's why you do mbti stuff

[Jennifer]

Originally Posted by BerberElla

...Is your partner really that perfect or is it that you have learned to overlook/settle inspite of your partner doing many things or even a few things that annoy you or you dislike?

I think you just learn about who the other person authentically is and then decide to accept them regardless, and be committed to them. Some people have traits that are very hard for one to accept, other ones seem easier to embrace more quickly.

But I do not feel there is any sort of magic bullet. It's much like "family." You're stuck with your relatives, even if at some point you choose to cut them out of your life, so you learn to deal or you do not.

Yes, there are some things that perhaps can't/shouldn't be accepted from a spouse, but right or wrong we end up having to make that decision personally.

I remember early on in a relationship, I would fight about things with them because they were not meeting my expectations, and vice versa. I eventually had to learn to let go of my expectations and accept things where they were at the time, or it would just become this entrenched battle of who was going to "win out." Once we were able to be a team together, then sometimes the things I didn't like would work themselves out -- either they chose to change themselves (since now we were not fighting over it) or it ceased to matter as much to me. Still, there are just some behaviors we might be aware to be "deal breakers" and we just cannot accept, so we should avoid relationships that include them.

[cafe]

R-E-S-P-E-C-T?

I'll echo Jennifer here: stay away from people who engage in deal-breaking behaviors then apply some humility and a sense of humor to the situation. For every annoying little thing your partner does, realize that you do stuff that irritates them, too. Also, look for practical, win/win solutions.

Example: My husband tends to roll around and pull the sheets off the bed leaving me to sleep on bare mattress. Annoying as heck, but he probably can't help it. Solution- those little stretchy straps for immobilizing husbands holding sheets on.

[ceecee]

Yes there are things that drive me batty. Any time a major (even not so major) purchase comes up it has to be researched and compared and investigated TO DEATH.

My husband is a triathlete and he has been looking to buy a new bike. Great. But they run anywhere from about $1000 to $5000. Once the decision to buy is made it begins. The first time I went through this with him (he waterskis also) he was buying a new waterski boat. I realized then that he loves the hunt more than anything. Loves the good deal. That part of buying is just as satisfying as the item itself but it started to drive me crazy after about a month of this everyday and asking what I thought.

BUY THE BOAT! ANY BOAT! I don't care. I drive the thing, I can drive any boat. Just...buy..something PLEASE! You're killing me Smalls!

That's the state he had me in. I wanted to punch him in the mouth if I heard a sentence with boat one more time. It's not that I am against a good deal (hardly) and certainly not researching a product. But the massive amount of energy he puts out in this process is very inefficient to me.

When it came time to get this bike..I knew it was coming. So I just let him be and do what he does best and not pay much attention to the method. He did find a bike after about 3 weeks of searching. $700 and it was exactly what he wanted. And when he brought it home and was riding and trying it out..he looked so happy. That's the payoff for me and what I try to focus on each time he wants to buy something and this process begins. There are very few things he does that bother me and those small things, I do overlook. As he does mine. Bigger things we talk about and always try to negotiate the best for both of us.

[BerberElla]

Still, there are just some behaviors we might be aware to be "deal breakers" and we just cannot accept, so we should avoid relationships that include them.

Like chewing with their mouth open, not putting the seat up or missing the seat and not cleaning up after themselves, slurping their hot drinks, being tight fisted and resembling scrooge, being such a light sleeper that I'm too nervous to sleep just incase I sleep talk, being too affectionate, not being affectionate enough, tidy but aware that men can tidy up too or am I being over the top?

For every annoying little thing your partner does, realize that you do stuff that irritates them, too.

Oh I do, but then it annoys me that anything I could do could be annoying to them because if they loved me then they wouldn't find me annoying, they would find every little thing I do perfect in it's own way. The mere fact that I'm finding them annoying might be because I don't love them as much as I should do? Or again am I being a fruitloop?

It's ok, I know I'm being irrational deep down but I can't help seeing cracks in places that other people would plaster and sand down as good as new.

Example: My husband tends to roll around and pull the sheets off the bed leaving me to sleep on bare mattress. Annoying as heck, but he probably can't help it. Solution- those little stretchy straps for immobilizing husbands holding sheets on.

Tried that with the toilet thing, but if I'm in a hurry, and believe me after having kids I am in a hurry when I need to go, stopping to clean up his mess just infuriates me.

[BerberElla]

Originally Posted by ceecee

Yes there are things that drive me batty. Any time a major (even not so major) purchase comes up it has to be researched and compared and investigated TO DEATH.

My husband is a triathlete and he has been looking to buy a new bike. Great. But they run anywhere from about $1000 to $5000. Once the decision to buy is made it begins. The first time I went through this with him (he waterskis also) he was buying a new waterski boat. I realized then that he loves the hunt more than anything. Loves the good deal. That part of buying is just as satisfying as the item itself but it started to drive me crazy after about a month of this everyday and asking what I thought.

BUY THE BOAT! ANY BOAT! I don't care. I drive the thing, I can drive any boat. Just...buy..something PLEASE! You're killing me Smalls!

That's the state he had me in. I wanted to punch him in the mouth if I heard a sentence with boat one more time. It's not that I am against a good deal (hardly) and certainly not researching a product. But the massive amount of energy he puts out in this process is very inefficient to me.

When it came time to get this bike..I knew it was coming. So I just let him be and do what he does best and not pay much attention to the method. He did find a bike after about 3 weeks of searching. $700 and it was exactly what he wanted. And when he brought it home and was riding and trying it out..he looked so happy. That's the payoff for me and what I try to focus on each time he wants to buy something and this process begins. There are very few things he does that bother me and those small things, I do overlook. As he does mine. Bigger things we talk about and always try to negotiate the best for both of us.

You would hate me then, I research and compare for ages and then just give up because I can't make a final decision.

There is no pay off because I get depressed that I could never make that decision and still didn't buy what I wanted.

Been trying to choose a piano for over a year now.

So to some extent it appears that settling is part of it, and perhaps the deal breakers shouldn't be the little things. It's hard though because a little thing by itself isn't a big deal, but you could say it was like poison, certain poisons kill instantly, some poisons kill slowly, well for me the little things are that poison that kills the relationship eventually.

[INTJMom]

Originally Posted by BerberElla

I'm curious to know what you think the magical ingrediant is that keeps your relationship/marriage ticking along and lasting?

Is your partner really that perfect or is it that you have learned to overlook/settle inspite of your partner doing many things or even a few things that annoy you or you dislike?

It just seems to me that all the people I know who are in long term relationships seem to be settling and putting up with behaviour that would drive me mad after a certain amount of time.

I mean I will try to ignore certain things, try and convince myself that they are not important, and that there are numerous good qualities to said person. However eventually those things I am ignoring will come to the surface and I will lose patience and the relationship will be over.

There are things I would break up over that others would find unbelievably ridiculous, it might not be for years but eventually I crack because I'm an idealist (of course lol) and my ideal isn't so ideal anymore.

So how do you do it? Are you settling or have you truly found the one?

You have to find someone who you believe you can't live without,
someone who you believe in, and who believes in you,
someone who brings out the best in you, and you, the best in them.
Then you make sure that divorce is not an option for either of you, because if it is,
you haven't found the person you can't live without,
you're just settling for someone you think you can live with.
After that, it's till death do us part, baby!

When two persons are committed to each other, and divorce is not an option, it provides for comfort and security in the relationship.
It provides a foundation for openness and intimacy.

We just had our 26th anniversary, and we met 28 years ago. Nobody's perfect. Even though I found the man of my dreams, and I was sure I couldn't live without him, we went through a pretty rough time that spanned about 10 years. We were "emotionally separated" for a long time. If we had divorced then, we would have missed out on the value of a relationship that has withstood trouble. Yeah, we both have annoying habits the other one overlooks. That's what love is. Love overlooks the bad. Love concentrates on the good.

By the way, I know of many INFP/ISTJ combinations that are very happy, in case you're wondering.

[BerberElla]

INFP/ISTJ combinations

I was married to an ISTJ, never again is all I can say lol talk about living through a nightmare. I'm sure there are many ISTJ's who are balanced, however the 2 that I do know were not balanced in the slightest even if they made a pretty good show of it to the outside world.

Also when it comes to divorce not being an option, I always believed that I was final on that point, that I would stick and work through a relationship regardless of what was thrown at me, I find that I could not stick to that because sometimes who you think you have married is nothing like the real person they turn out to be.

People change and you can't promise to like the person they become.