For those in long term successful relationships? - Page 4

heart · 10-12-2008, 08:26 AM

Quote:

I'm not actually in a relationship anymore, and the marriage didn't break down over such trivial concerns such as the peeing all over the toilet wall, or any of the small things that drive me nuts but I put up with and settled for, and learnt to accept, it broke down for much more serious reasons of which I genuinelly don't feel I was to blame.

I'd never put up with living with a man who peed all over the place. I hear some of the women I know living with this. It's so UFB!

Small stuff to me is more whining about stuff from work or leaving socks on the bedroom floor, not spraying all of God's creation with your pee!

There's a basic selfishness in a person who wouldn't clean up or control themselves in this way, it's bound to extend outwards. Just like a man who won't give foreplay, there's gonna be deeper selfishness issues coming out there to eclipse it after a while.

ptgatsby · 10-12-2008, 05:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FDG

This is definitely, definitely the worst relationship advice. It's akin to relationship terrorism. Game-theory as applied to relationships is an attempt of strong thinking types to understand an inherently feeling mechanism by using their thinking part; it would just be better to let feeling types give the advice and stick game theory to its proper place.

*shrug*

I see it as the tool to take care of the practicalities in a relationship. It allows you to set up mutual understanding, communication and general system dynamics that encourage a healthy relationship.

It isn't "the relationship", it's just a tool. It helps define how to ensure mutually beneficial behavior and reduce defection. The "job" of running a household/kids/etc is fraught with practical concerns.

The only way it's negative, just like any "tool", is if it is used negatively. The same applies to communication, gifts, sex...

Beat · 10-12-2008, 05:59 PM

No one is perfect... You'll always have to "deal" to some extent. Hopefully you're with someone where you can communicate the differences and work together to minimize strife.

Anja · 10-12-2008, 06:30 PM

I have been married for forty-one years. And I've come to the conclusion that the question in the OP is one which could be problematic over a long period of time.

It can't, for me, be a case of "settling for" or "finding the one" because neither are possible in the long run. People are in flux; situations change.

For a long period of time I bought into that concept of the one true love. Talk about frustrating! My heart told me "yes" but then there were all those aggravations which seemed impossible to tolerate.

The thought of "settling" made me feel like a damaged/needy individual. It's really a rather unkind concept to assume that someone else is merely "settling" for a relationship. And there is a certain arrogance in that concept which could cause me some realistic self-esteem problems.

Who am I to assume that I am so superior to another individual that I am merely tolerating my relationship with him? Ick. Balance of power all screwed up even thinking in that mannner.

So, you know, it isn't that black and white.

A marriage is a partnership. Or needs to be for me. I want equal. And that has to balance out over time because sometimes he's driving the car and other times I am.

One needs to count on the strong one at the moment being able to carry more than his weight in certain times and situations. And vice-versa.

Over the years he has "settled for" some pretty outragious behavior from me and I have eaten more than my share of "stuff" as well. I see that less as a second-class choice and more as a reality of human connections.

I began to get clear on this somewhere around our twelfth year of marriage when I felt so torn. I loved him but I could hardly stand to live with him anymore and he felt the same. We had two nearly one-year separations trying to figure it out. Very painful and difficult for our children as well.

A counselor friend set me clear on that after listening to my long litany of sorrows. He said something so dumb and obvious that it knocked all the self-importance out of my little head. "Anja, do you want him or not?" Duh. There's my answer. Bottom line.

It's a matter of growth, adjustment, REASONABLE expectations. Forgiveness. Patience and faith. Good communication is a must. Mutual willingness and dedication. Sacrifice. Finally, love and persistance. All those corny things that so many prefer to reject.

And in the end that's exactly what has kept us bonded. Love is the glue.

__________________________________________________ _

On the light side we sometimes joke like this:

"You, know all these years you've been calling me an idiot? I've come to the conclusion you're right. I'm still married to you!"

Huggy-huggy, kissy-kissy. Little agression burnt off with a laugh.

sarah · 10-12-2008, 10:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BerberElla

No don't worry, I didn't see it in a negative light, I know where you're coming from.

I honestly don't want someone to live up to my fantasies, for a start they couldn't because one they wouldn't have real wings, and two they wouldn't have any magical powers

, they also wouldn't have a pet dragon but I can live without those things.

It's about not being my worst nightmare. It's about a willingness to accommodate each others needs. If I need for instance him to pee into the toilet and not all over the seat, wouldn't he do it if he had respect for me and wanted to live in harmony with me? Or at least be seen to make an actual effort?

I'm not actually in a relationship anymore, and the marriage didn't break down over such trivial concerns such as the peeing all over the toilet wall, or any of the small things that drive me nuts but I put up with and settled for, and learnt to accept, it broke down for much more serious reasons of which I genuinelly don't feel I was to blame.

Well, if not being able to lift a toilet seat to pee in the bowl is a purely physical problem, consider putting a box of wet wipes near the toilet and asking him to wipe the seat after every use. Or if you have two toilets, designate one as "his" so that he doesn't use yours, and he gets to clean his seat whenever when it gets gross. If it's a sign of something psychological, meaning he does that on purpose in order to retaliate against you or control you, then he probably needs psychological counseling. If you love him and he genuinely loves you, these things can be worked out via counseling -- but only if one partner isn't purposely controlling/manipulating the other.

Sarah
ISFP

batumi · 10-13-2008, 06:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jack Flak

Desmond Morris, maybe? I don't recall him discussing that subject specifically, though he may have.

I looked it up. John Gottman.

wolfy · 10-13-2008, 02:09 PM

I've been married for 15 years some things I have learned. Be friends. Give and take. Talk. Do stuff together and seperately. Don't forget your manners. Respect opinions. Wash the dishes and give shoulder massages. Never let contempt seep into the relationship. Have fun. Hang out the washing. Fight fair. Pay attention.

Often easier said than done though!

10-12-2008, 06:30 PM	#34 (permalink)
Anja Senior Member Join Date: May 2008 Type: INFP Location: Mankato, MN Posts: 1,507	I have been married for forty-one years. And I've come to the conclusion that the question in the OP is one which could be problematic over a long period of time. It can't, for me, be a case of "settling for" or "finding the one" because neither are possible in the long run. People are in flux; situations change. For a long period of time I bought into that concept of the one true love. Talk about frustrating! My heart told me "yes" but then there were all those aggravations which seemed impossible to tolerate. The thought of "settling" made me feel like a damaged/needy individual. It's really a rather unkind concept to assume that someone else is merely "settling" for a relationship. And there is a certain arrogance in that concept which could cause me some realistic self-esteem problems. Who am I to assume that I am so superior to another individual that I am merely tolerating my relationship with him? Ick. Balance of power all screwed up even thinking in that mannner. So, you know, it isn't that black and white. A marriage is a partnership. Or needs to be for me. I want equal. And that has to balance out over time because sometimes he's driving the car and other times I am. One needs to count on the strong one at the moment being able to carry more than his weight in certain times and situations. And vice-versa. Over the years he has "settled for" some pretty outragious behavior from me and I have eaten more than my share of "stuff" as well. I see that less as a second-class choice and more as a reality of human connections. I began to get clear on this somewhere around our twelfth year of marriage when I felt so torn. I loved him but I could hardly stand to live with him anymore and he felt the same. We had two nearly one-year separations trying to figure it out. Very painful and difficult for our children as well. A counselor friend set me clear on that after listening to my long litany of sorrows. He said something so dumb and obvious that it knocked all the self-importance out of my little head. "Anja, do you want him or not?" Duh. There's my answer. Bottom line. It's a matter of growth, adjustment, REASONABLE expectations. Forgiveness. Patience and faith. Good communication is a must. Mutual willingness and dedication. Sacrifice. Finally, love and persistance. All those corny things that so many prefer to reject. And in the end that's exactly what has kept us bonded. Love is the glue. __________________________________________________ _ On the light side we sometimes joke like this: "You, know all these years you've been calling me an idiot? I've come to the conclusion you're right. I'm still married to you!" Huggy-huggy, kissy-kissy. Little agression burnt off with a laugh. __________________ "No ray of sunshine is ever lost, but the green which it awakes into existence needs time to sprout, and it is not always granted to the sower to see the harvest. All work that is worth anything is done in faith." - Albert Schweitzer

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10-12-2008, 05:59 PM	#33 (permalink)
Beat lol b4nned Join Date: Oct 2007 Type: ISTJ Location: NC Posts: 3,427	No one is perfect... You'll always have to "deal" to some extent. Hopefully you're with someone where you can communicate the differences and work together to minimize strife.

10-13-2008, 02:09 PM	#37 (permalink)
wolfy Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Type: ISFP Posts: 429	I've been married for 15 years some things I have learned. Be friends. Give and take. Talk. Do stuff together and seperately. Don't forget your manners. Respect opinions. Wash the dishes and give shoulder massages. Never let contempt seep into the relationship. Have fun. Hang out the washing. Fight fair. Pay attention. Often easier said than done though!