ENFJ male appalls me...what's going on..does he love me or hate me? - Page 5

Udog · 10-10-2008, 02:56 PM

I like that post Hmm. The details are off, but the concept I suspect is pretty close.

Harlow, what I see is a pattern where he consistently fails to communicate his needs, while you consistently make decisions that are hurtful to him. You use his lack of communication as an excuse to cross the line, while he is trying to manipulate and mold you through guilt and hidden land mines. Separately, you guys would be fine (with a bit of fine tuning). Together, it's a recipe for drama.

It's very curious that he is sticking it out, considering that he is blaming you for everything. I don't know if it's just an ENFJ thing to draw out a relationship as long as possible no matter the cost, or if it's something about YOU he can't bring himself to give up. In my opinion, you need to know, because if it's the latter you may have a chance.

Have you asked him what it is about you that he likes, and why he stays with you despite how angry and hurt he is by your behavior? What is it about him that makes the frustration worth it to you?

Hmm · 10-10-2008, 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Udog

I like that post Hmm. The details are off, but the concept I suspect is pretty close.

What I see is a pattern where he consistently fails to communicate his needs, while you consistently make decisions that are hurtful to him. You use his lack of communication as an excuse to cross the line, while he is trying to manipulate and mold you through guilt and hidden land mines. Separately, you guys would be fine (with a bit of fine tuning). Together, it's a recipe for drama.

It's very curious that he is sticking it out, considering that he is blaming you for everything. I don't know if it's just an ENFJ thing to draw out a relationship as long as possible no matter the cost, or if it's something about YOU he can't bring himself to give up. In my opinion, you need to know, because if it's the latter you may have a chance.

Have you asked him what it is about you that he likes, and why he stays with you despite how angry and hurt he is by your behavior? What is it about him that makes the frustration worth it to you?

Drama + Sex for them both. Which is okay if that's what floats their boats so long as Harlow Jem is on birth control.

proteanmix · 10-10-2008, 03:56 PM

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this relationship has been the subject of many threads.

How do you expect someone to react when they've been cheated on and lied to? I wouldn't be so quick to lay the blame at the guy's door given the circumstances. Why are you so convinced this relationship will work Harlow? How many relationships recover from cheating? It's not even like you two are married with kids and a mortgage where there would be more incentive to work through this. You two college students and this is a lot of drama for a relatively low stakes relationship. This sounds like Spring Break with Jerry Springer.

Lateralus · 10-10-2008, 04:42 PM

He's in love with a fantasy, an idealized version of you from before you slept with his best friend. He also feels betrayed, and rightfully so (only a fool would get trashed and 'accidentally' sleep with someone). He has a conflicting feelings for you and he'll never get over that feeling of betrayal. You'd both be better off ending it.

MacGuffin · 10-10-2008, 08:38 PM

I read the other threads too and I'm in agreement that if both parties are mature enough they can get past this.

And his "best friend" needs a swift kick in the balls.

Hmm · 10-11-2008, 02:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MacGuffin

I read the other threads too and I'm in agreement that if both parties are mature enough they can get past this.

And his "best friend" needs a swift kick in the balls.

I too agree with this.

jenesaisquois · 11-07-2008, 01:24 AM

It really sounds like you are not his type at all. If you were, you would totally INTUITIVELY have understood it wasn't a casual relationship. In fact, if you were his type, you would never treat it as a casual relationship. You should definitely break up with him...he's never going to break up with you no matter how bad of a match you are....enfj's almost never let anyone go.

jenesaisquois · 11-07-2008, 01:27 AM

In fact, if you are a sensing type, which i think you are, you HAVE to break up with him. He's not going to break up with you even though you're absolutely the opposite of what he needs, which means he will ignore the fact. Otherwise you will slowly destroy him. Please do us all a favor and stop the relationship now as it's grating just to read about it.

Harlow_Jem · 11-07-2008, 04:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenesaisquois

In fact, if you are a sensing type, which i think you are, you HAVE to break up with him. He's not going to break up with you even though you're absolutely the opposite of what he needs, which means he will ignore the fact. Otherwise you will slowly destroy him. Please do us all a favor and stop the relationship now as it's grating just to read about it.

Me and him are way over. Ended HORRIBLY.

But you were right about me not having been his type in the first place. It's what I knew the moment we met but he kept pushing it so I kind of gave in to him and that's how we even got together in the first place.

It kind of reinforces my theory that some men really tend to think with their dicks, not their heads.

Mondo · 11-07-2008, 06:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Harlow_Jem

I get completely trashed and slept with his best friend by accident and he is angry/hurt about it.

Just from this alone, I can say with confidence it is a good thing you ended things with him. If you truly cared about him, you would have NOT done this.

Since you cheated on him, you have ended things with that alone.
The fact you cheated on him doesn't make you a horrible person but it just shows that you have no feelings for him and I'm happy to hear you ended things.

NF's, and I thought most people, tend to view even the most casual relationships as only having sex with one person- the person you are in the relationship with.

If you truly love someone, you can't cheat on that person- it is impossible, otherwise, you don't truly love him or her.
To cheat on someone is basically saying, "I'm too immature to handle a relationship and just want to sleep around."

10-10-2008, 03:56 PM	#43 (permalink)
proteanmix Layin back in the cut Join Date: Apr 2007 Type: ExFJ Location: on the rise Posts: 2,439	I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this relationship has been the subject of many threads. How do you expect someone to react when they've been cheated on and lied to? I wouldn't be so quick to lay the blame at the guy's door given the circumstances. Why are you so convinced this relationship will work Harlow? How many relationships recover from cheating? It's not even like you two are married with kids and a mortgage where there would be more incentive to work through this. You two college students and this is a lot of drama for a relatively low stakes relationship. This sounds like Spring Break with Jerry Springer. __________________ Exergonic reactions are said to occur spontaneously but this does not imply that the reaction will take place unconstrained. For instance the reaction between hydrogen and oxygen is very slow and not observed in absence of a suitable catalyst. It has been suggested to replace the term spontaneous with eager.

10-10-2008, 04:42 PM	#44 (permalink)
Lateralus Crazy Bean Join Date: May 2007 Type: ENTJ Posts: 2,019	He's in love with a fantasy, an idealized version of you from before you slept with his best friend. He also feels betrayed, and rightfully so (only a fool would get trashed and 'accidentally' sleep with someone). He has a conflicting feelings for you and he'll never get over that feeling of betrayal. You'd both be better off ending it. __________________ Generation Y: The first generation where success and failure give the same result.

10-10-2008, 08:38 PM	#45 (permalink)
MacGuffin Desperado Join Date: Apr 2007 Type: xkcd Location: Alexandria, VA Posts: 2,776	I read the other threads too and I'm in agreement that if both parties are mature enough they can get past this. And his "best friend" needs a swift kick in the balls. __________________ Another PowerMad Admin & Ronin Attorney {Flickr photos LJ blog}

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10-10-2008, 02:56 PM	#41 (permalink)
Udog Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Type: INFP Location: In the swing state of Confusion Posts: 222	I like that post Hmm. The details are off, but the concept I suspect is pretty close. Harlow, what I see is a pattern where he consistently fails to communicate his needs, while you consistently make decisions that are hurtful to him. You use his lack of communication as an excuse to cross the line, while he is trying to manipulate and mold you through guilt and hidden land mines. Separately, you guys would be fine (with a bit of fine tuning). Together, it's a recipe for drama. It's very curious that he is sticking it out, considering that he is blaming you for everything. I don't know if it's just an ENFJ thing to draw out a relationship as long as possible no matter the cost, or if it's something about YOU he can't bring himself to give up. In my opinion, you need to know, because if it's the latter you may have a chance. Have you asked him what it is about you that he likes, and why he stays with you despite how angry and hurt he is by your behavior? What is it about him that makes the frustration worth it to you?

11-07-2008, 01:24 AM	#47 (permalink)
jenesaisquois Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Type: infj Posts: 2	It really sounds like you are not his type at all. If you were, you would totally INTUITIVELY have understood it wasn't a casual relationship. In fact, if you were his type, you would never treat it as a casual relationship. You should definitely break up with him...he's never going to break up with you no matter how bad of a match you are....enfj's almost never let anyone go.

11-07-2008, 01:27 AM	#48 (permalink)
jenesaisquois Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Type: infj Posts: 2	In fact, if you are a sensing type, which i think you are, you HAVE to break up with him. He's not going to break up with you even though you're absolutely the opposite of what he needs, which means he will ignore the fact. Otherwise you will slowly destroy him. Please do us all a favor and stop the relationship now as it's grating just to read about it.