ENFJ male appalls me...what's going on..does he love me or hate me?

[InaF3157]

Originally Posted by PinkPiranha

ENFJs avoid conflict sometimes, especially if it's something major. Our feelings hit us like a brick. If he didn't already tell you to go jump in a lake, he must really like you.

Uh huh. I would be worried that it will hit him like a brick later that he really, really didn't like what she did, and he will lash out when she thinks all that is behind them.

[PinkPiranha]

Originally Posted by IF3157

Uh huh. I would be worried that it will hit him like a brick later that he really, really didn't like what she did, and he will lash out when she thinks all that is behind them.

Agreed.

Frankly, I'm so serious about my relationships that I would never be in a situation where my SO was "on the fence". I would know without a doubt that he wanted to be with me and vice versa. We have the same level of loyalty that INFJs have only jacked up by Fe-primary.

I would have been crushed if I'd found out my girlfriend/bf had stepped out on me. By crushed, I mean struck silent for days and days. Delayed reactions can be a problem too if we aren't allowed to fully process just how hurt or angry we are. The specter of betrayal can come back suddenly to the detriment of both parties.

[Desperado44]

I'm a full blooded Italian ENFJ....that scored a 20-0 on the F

To be candid, I have no idea why he would put with your treatment.

There are over 6 billion people on this planet....the majority of which are women......he should look for one that treats me with respect.

[Silently Honest]

Originally Posted by Desperado44

...he should look for one that treats me with respect.

This is either very poorly phrased or you should be telling Harlow how you really feel about your situation right now.

[CzeCze]

I think people (ahem, Pure_Mecury) are being a little harsh on Harlow Jem.

Who cares if she slept with other guys while she was sleeping with the ENFJ? As she said, she did not think they were exclusive. Even by the term 'hooking up' it seems to me to HJ at least it was very casual and physical at first. If the two were not on the same page about what was going on, that is not 100% her responsibility. True, if you are two grown folks doing the dirty, you'd think somewhere in there you'd have a conversation laying down some ground rules and expectations. But sometimes people assume things. It was as much the guy's fault for not saying explicitly he thought or wanted to be exclusive.

*edit*

Perhaps I'm reading the situation very differently, but everyone seems to assume in this situation that Harlow Jem was playing the ENFJ. I don't read it that way at all.

As for sleeping with the 'best friend' I read that thread and um, no. If anything the 'best friend' owes a lot more to his 'best friend' the ENFJ as well as to Harlow Jem to respect her enough not to try to anything with her while 1) she's dating his friend and 2) she's drunk.

Also, if any potential partner included "I should've told you to fuck off a long time ago" and it wasn't some insanely dramatic high/low love/hate relationship filled with coiling passion and unbelievable sex -- um no, I'd take it as a sign to walk away.

Harlow, instead of wondering if this guy is serious about you, I'd concentrate on figuring out what it is what you want. You'll have to work together to move past everything for a new start. So if he can't get over your history, you'll have to end it, i.e. dump him, for both your sakes. Otherwise, he is just going to keep taking it out on you and it will poison your relationship. It could also create a very unhealthy and unfair dynamic where you will always be bending over backwards or apologizing to 'make up' for things and the relationship will never move beyond that.

[pure_mercury]

Originally Posted by CzeCze

I think people (ahem, Pure_Mecury) are being a little harsh on Harlow Jem.

Who cares if she slept with other guys while she was sleeping with the ENFJ? As she said, she did not think they were exclusive. Even by the term 'hooking up' it seems to me to HJ at least it was very casual and physical at first. If the two were not on the same page about what was going on, that is not 100% her responsibility. True, if you are two grown folks doing the dirty, you'd think somewhere in there you'd have a conversation laying down some ground rules and expectations. But sometimes people assume things. It was as much the guy's fault for not saying explicitly he thought or wanted to be exclusive.

*edit*

Perhaps I'm reading the situation very differently, but everyone seems to assume in this situation that Harlow Jem was playing the ENFJ. I don't read it that way at all.

As for sleeping with the 'best friend' I read that thread and um, no. If anything the 'best friend' owes a lot more to his 'best friend' the ENFJ as well as to Harlow Jem to respect her enough not to try to anything with her while 1) she's dating his friend and 2) she's drunk.

Also, if any potential partner included "I should've told you to fuck off a long time ago" and it wasn't some insanely dramatic high/low love/hate relationship filled with coiling passion and unbelievable sex -- um no, I'd take it as a sign to walk away.

Harlow, instead of wondering if this guy is serious about you, I'd concentrate on figuring out what it is what you want. You'll have to work together to move past everything for a new start. So if he can't get over your history, you'll have to end it, i.e. dump him, for both your sakes. Otherwise, he is just going to keep taking it out on you and it will poison your relationship. It could also create a very unhealthy and unfair dynamic where you will always be bending over backwards or apologizing to 'make up' for things and the relationship will never move beyond that.

I wasn't trying to be harsh. HJ and I exchanged some PMs, it's all good. I still think you're off-base on this one, though. I've read HJ's previous posts, and I have a good idea what happened in this situation (and I got some more info from her privately). I've also dealt with a couple of situations just like this one in college. My language was a little blunt because, well, sometimes people need to hear things the blunt way, not the diplomatic way. The ENFJ guy has some choices to make, but the ball is in HJ's court for now, and I think she realizes that it's decision time. If things continue the way they have (and she has made it clear that she wants to be with this guy), she'll only push him away, and it won't be his fault.

[runvardh]

I have to go with pure mercury on this one; I've actually dumped a girl for those things. Then again, I could see it in her eyes that she didn't want me so that made it easier to let go. This guy now sees what he wants and has gone balls to the wall on it, it's her turn to go all in or fold.

[Brendan]

Originally Posted by Harlow_Jem

Does this mean he genuinely has strong feelings for me that he cannot forget and wants to make it work? And can it work? Please help an insensitive bitch INTJ figure out how to make amends to this sweet ENFJ!

Show him the sincerety of your feelings for him. Actions speak louder than words.

[FDG]

Originally Posted by Harlow_Jem

He apparently read my text messages and found out that one night I had left his house after having sex to meet up with an ex-boyfriend (But he never mentioned anything).

Wow, that's extremely shitty. Stay away from the guy, you're not ready for a relationship.

[InaF3157]

Originally Posted by FDG

Wow, that's extremely shitty. Stay away from the guy, you're not ready for a relationship.

Given that they were not exclusive, why is it shitty? And why isn't she ready? Are you assuming she met up with the ex for sexxy times?