Bullying

[substitute]

Originally Posted by digesthisickness

or you could just change your mind and decide you don't really care that much anyway.

I can go either way, TBH... you know how it is... whatever happens, it's workable...

I do though, really... cos all said and done it's my little baby that's getting bullied so any info that can give me insight into the best way of helping/supporting is not gonna be met with indifference...

[ptgatsby]

Originally Posted by substitute

I do though, really... cos all said and done it's my little baby that's getting bullied so any info that can give me insight into the best way of helping/supporting is not gonna be met with indifference...

The big statistics won't really help you anyway.

I can offer the normal advice.

1) Make sure to offer comfort and support. Do not get angry at the situation. Remember that the child is suffering from a lack of power and will tend to feel helpless. You must offer support to help reduce that. Plus, then you can keep track and build them up, rather than isolate them.

2) There is a really bad cycle, most notable in introverts, about keeping emotions bottled up. This can come out in very strange behavior. Keep a careful watch for this - mood swings, violence, outbursts... Not always easy to see in children, but... do watch for it. If that is the case, it is time to sit them down and ask them to tell you what is happening. And more to the point, follow #1 very well, but make sure you get details.

3) The three major points to consider.
i) Don't make them feel different - that is, tell them lots of people get bullied, etc
ii) Don't give a reason why they are being targeted. Or that anything else is wrong with them, or that they invited it. In any way.
iii) Be careful with the advice you give a kid - think what about what you are saying literally, because they will act without understanding the big picture. This is where it is not advised to tell a kid to be violent, or to fight. It works, but only in the right context - and the wrong context can put your child in danger.

That last one is the tricky one. Yes, it is true that standing up to a bully can end it, and frequently does. But at the same time, the child doesn't understand limits, and if they aren't standing up for themselves and just attack someone, it can escalate.

One method that may work (I don't know your daughter/relationship with her/etc) is to ask her to tell you what they did today. Share your own experiences, validate her, then tell her you are proud of how she handled it.

Assuming the bullying isn't too bad, this might be enough to break the routine. And don't explain why this will break the routine, either. Just go through the motions, build her up and remove any trace of guilt/personal blame that she puts on herself. Build her up.

[IlyaK1986]

Kid getting bullied? Teach them Krav Maga. Kick between legs, punch to temple/back of head, choke, etc...

Bullies bully people that don't fight back. Once that bully gets his ass whooped, he won't come back.

[LostInNerSpace]

Originally Posted by IlyaK1986

Kid getting bullied? Teach them Krav Maga. Kick between legs, punch to temple/back of head, choke, etc...

Bullies bully people that don't fight back. Once that bully gets his ass whooped, he won't come back.

This is extreme. You don't want to kill them. You don't even have to use physical force, unless it is in self-defense.

[celesul]

I was not the typical victim of a bully, being kinda hyper and happy and sociable, but in 2nd grade, I ended up standing up for the kid who was getting bullied, but I did it in a way that didn't work, at all. I said it wasn't nice to be mean to her. Well... after that, I became their new victim, and the kid I defended found a little side group of kids who weren't popular, but weren't outcasts. But no one would associate with the kid who was being bullied, of fear of the same thing happening. So, for that entire year, not one kid in the grade would say anything nice to me at school. Away from school, most of them would be okay, but they ignored me in school, and the bullies taunted. What really made it bad though, was that the teachers completely ignored it. Eventually, my mom told the teacher to do something. The moron suggested that it was my fault, and that I see a psychiatrist, and they had little things once a week, once for the bullied to talk about their feelings, the other for the bullies. Apparently they didn't want to hurt the bullies feelings. Bah. So they did nothing to help at all, rather, they made it worse.

So, my mom decided that she would send me to a different school. The teacher at the school I was going to at the time said that it was a bad idea, that I needed to learn how to socialize. Mom, seeing how miserable I was, decided to send me to a different school, and if that didn't work, then do something else. I did manage to convince her eventually that I didn't want to go to the psychiatrist, cause it was boring.

Anyway, the teachers at the new school (which is, amusingly, full of the ultra-wealthy) didn't tolerate the same junk. In their opinion, if a kid was bullying another, they were being a brat and ought to be punished. So, they lost recess and such if they were being obnoxious, and their parents actually yelled at them if they found they were bullies, unlike the ones at the other school, who insisted that their angels would never do such a thing. I did have a lot of self-confidence issues through middle school though, as a result, and I didn't make friends easily.

I did learn how to deal with bullies though. No one at my current school has tried to bully me, but some have attempted to be nasty to my friend. She never reacted, but it pissed me off. I recall saying something to a nasty little bully, when she commented on the ugliness of my friend's pants, about how if she had enough time to analyze my friend's pants that she had way too much time on her hands, and that she ought to get a few friends, and a life. It did work.

Essentially, in my experience, one needs to be clever in responding to bullies. Saying something about how it's not nice will make it worse, but making the bully feel dumb usually deters them. But it only needs to be said when they cause trouble, not any more than that. Most little girls get teased about how they look or what they wear, so it's very easy to tell them that one is flattered that the bully is so drawn to them that they must stare. It's quite funny really ^.^ A smart bully can respond well enough to it, but their crowd usually laughs at the comment. And the approval of the crowd makes one a bad target. Being aggressively polite also works.

[Anja]

I like the idea of encouraging the child to be genuine and then supporting that.

[LostInNerSpace]

Originally Posted by celesul

Essentially, in my experience, one needs to be clever in responding to bullies.

Yep

Originally Posted by Anja

I like the idea of encouraging the child to be genuine and then supporting that.

The bully? That's a recipe for more bullying.

[GinKuusouka]

I would suggest to be there to support her and love her. I'm sure that you're an amazing father who does this already. Remind her of her strong points and maybe practice scenarios with her. Or something else that might better work with her personality. Perhaps teach her self-defense if it's needed. Just a few basic moves, as long as you feel she's responsible enough for it. There's a good chance that a bully around that age wouldn't know something like that. Most bullies tend to cower when faced with a challenge that they hadn't noticed before. And this does come from my own experiences, just a bit. My own father wasn't supportive. He was one who tried to bully me. Along with classmates and my brother. And I wish that I'd had support for it. So, love your daughter and quite possibly ask if she has any preferences out of some ideas. Maybe you two can come up with something awesome.

[Rainman]

To the OP (new and can't be bothered to read the other posts so ignore me if I happen to tread old ground)

I was never a bully nor bullied. I had a few racist taunts back in school but nothing that went unpunished by giving the offender a good clip round the ear. It was never cool to go running to teachers and blabbing about your latest predator. Besides, I knew I could tell a teacher but there's no way that would satisfy my anger at the time so a good bop on the head would do me fine as they wouldn't be able to tell the teacher why I wacked them in the first place. I think preventing bullying is all about how you hold yourself in confrontation sometimes it necessary to give someone a good beating if they get rude. Or thinking about it actually ask the 'ringleader' why they do what they do but in private. I'm sure they would refrain from bullying if confronted on a moral basis. Or, form your own gang and start an interschool gang war. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you can't talk your way out of trouble, get to boxing your way out. It doesn't take alot to earn a bullies respect once you give them a good shot on the nose.

[Edgar]

Originally Posted by substitute

heart - I relate to what you say. The solutions they tell you about such as ignoring them - doesn't work; standing up for yourself - they laugh at you or you get beaten to a pulp because they outnumber you; telling the teacher - they hit you all the harder when the teacher's gone... none of these things work.

You can only be effectively bullied if you are isolated. When you are in a group of friends, you cannot be as easily intimidated, and even if all your friends are wussies who can't provide adequate protection for themselves through the strength of numbers, at least you have the group's emotional support when you all get wedgies at the same time.

So tell your daughter to find a group of friends that always stick to each other. You can help her bond with her new dork friends by hosting Magic: The Gathering party in your house's basement.

Also, groups of four usually make the best dynamic.