Wanting people to like you (need advice)

[Edahn]

So I have this problem. I hate hate hate disappointing people. I want them to like me and value me and this affects my authenticity and makes me hyperconscious of my surroundings. I monitor myself for thoughts that could lead to lead to disappointment or a rupture in the relationship, and monitor my surroundings for threats to the relationship. I don't even like thinking bad or disappointing thoughts about people I'm "supposed" to like. I'm not sure why I do that, or whether it's even connected. I can't see the connection if there is one. This doesn't just apply to people I know or care about, but strangers. Even a therapist I saw a few times a couple years ago, where I wanted to be an ideal patient, making breakthroughs left and right. It's a big deal in all of my relationships, especially the intimate ones. What's the connection? Am I just trying to avoid them not liking me?

Also, I'd like to know if anyone here has gotten over this, how they did that, and how they understand the need for admiration/valuation. I'm also open to hearing what people think about this, but please, no type talk (if you're going to address your comments to me only). If you want to share that you do this but have no advice, that's cool.

[Night]

It sounds like a root fear of failure.

Social rejection and/or feeling like an outcast isn't always a bad thing. People don't reject as quickly as you presume. Most just want to fit-in.

Obsessive/Compulsive behaviors probably coincide. A fear of being "ugly" or physically maladroit, too.

As I said earlier, you aren't your anxiety. Perfectionism and fear are synonyms. Try to relax your personal expectations. I'd recommend Tonglen, but you're presently studying Buddhist philosophy, anyway.


We aren't what we fear, Edahn.

[Edahn]

Originally Posted by Night

It sounds like a root fear of failure.

Social rejection and/or feeling like an outcast isn't always a bad thing. People don't reject as quickly as you presume. Most just want to fit-in.

Obsessive/Compulsive behaviors probably coincide. A fear of being "ugly" or physically maladroit, too.

As I said earlier, you aren't your anxiety. Perfectionism and fear are synonyms. Try to relax your personal expectations. I'd recommend Tonglen, but you're presently studying Buddhist philosophy, anyway.


We aren't what we fear, Edahn.

I just bought a book by Pema Chondron on Tonglen. Thanks Night.

[IrishStallion819]

It sounds like u have relatively "low" confidence level/selfesteem issues.... You fear the your not worthwhile/Out of someones league not feeling well when it comes to talking and it makes u second guess your initial "gut" reaction when wanting to confront someone socially....DUde first off u have to believe your worth while person, which I know its harder than me clearly stating it....You have to reflect of all the positive things about yourself and just have the attitude of like... " well if they don't like me for me, then screw them"....Look at the way the world is now....obviously peoples way of dealing with people isn't working and its getting worse....Lifes to short, seriously....For me, I have the same "issues" and I wrestle witht them everyday...Partially because i'm somewhat "self conscious" and alittle on the paranoid.."watching what everyone does" side of things. For me, being in a group of friends and than branching out that way is a huge tool thats worked for me....when people see u talking to other people and socializing.....it makes them want to talk to u and if u can find a common interest or make an interesting observation about them....that'll only lighten the load....but obviously I don't know u personaly and haven't observed your behaviors to clearing give u a specific "battleplan" but just do things that are gunna improve "you" and that'll give that content, worthwhile feeling...I wish u a successful fortune and hope you'll be able to pass on what u experience to others...

[Ivy]

I don't have any advice for you, I just want to say that I have this problem too. Even now, as I write this, I'm anticipating your positive reaction to me commiserating with you.

Bad psyche! Bad! Bad!

[disregard]

I'm curious.. maybe you have a tendency to not like people and to not value them, and you are projecting it onto others?

Because, I tend to like most people and value them for what they do offer and represent as an individual, and I don't have a (prominent) fear of being disliked or undervalued.

I'm thinking there is a line that can be drawn.

[bluebell]

I'm sleep deprived so this is likely to be garbled.

I do this too but I'm gradually getting over it. I tend to watch myself doing it, as in just observe that that's what I'm doing. At work, it's really not appropriate so I have to not follow my natural inclination, especially in difficult meetings. I watch how others act towards each other and realise it's not the end of the world if people dislike each other. All of that = gradually overcoming it.

[Edahn]

Originally Posted by Ivy

I don't have any advice for you, I just want to say that I have this problem too. Even now, as I write this, I'm anticipating your positive reaction to me commiserating with you.

Bad psyche! Bad! Bad!

Right. It's like an underlying feeling in everything that I do. There's this thought that I'm doing it for them, whether or not I actually am.

Originally Posted by Dana

I'm curious.. maybe you have a tendency to not like people and to not value them, and you are projecting it onto others?

Because, I tend to like most people and value them for what they do offer and represent as an individual, and I don't have a (prominent) fear of being disliked or undervalued.

I'm thinking there is a line that can be drawn.

I notice it goes the other way. When I'm calm inside, I can stop all the judgmentalism that overruns my perception. I get this somewhat from my dad, who's a supersuper cynical attorney. I think it comes from a need to elevate one's self by pushing others down, again, to establish inner worth. But I'm not sure.

[disregard]

Originally Posted by Edahn

There's this thought that I'm doing it for them, whether or not I actually am.

I notice it goes the other way.

Can you expound on both of these?

What is the "it" you refer to...

and expound on your doing something for someone or not for them at all bit.

(my Ne isn't in tip-top shape, and I'm very interested)

[CaptainChick]

Being like that ironically makes you a shitty person, perhaps that fact could, or will get you to stop.

Nobody likes a brown-noser.

You might be so talented that when you shift, you do so without seeming affected, but if and when anyone detects that you are catering to their desires, surely they'll find your lack of sincerity questionable, to say the least.

Hmm, I think I kind of dealt with this when I was a child in elementary school, I read people quickly and modified myself to become something they would love, it often worked, and I think I did this because I got little to no attention at home.

Eh, but fuck being "well-liked".

And fuck being phony.

*shudders*

What to you value more, popularity or integrity?