Confidence level in your SO.

[ajblaise]

How confident do you like your romantic interests to be? Do you distinguish between different types of confidence, such as compensatory pseudo-confidence and true confidence? Is there a point when confidence just becomes obnoxious for you?

I suppose confidence is more of an issue for women concerning men, but in women, I appreciate it a lot but sometimes it is clear to me that it's disingenuous to a degree and is used to cover up something.

[Metamorphosis]

I like confidence, but not to the point of steam rolling. If they appear too confident, it kind of turns me off in the sense that I don't feel like they actually need me for anything.

I prefer cuteness over complete domination.

[Beat]

I like confidence, but not to the point of steam rolling. If they appear too confident, it kind of turns me off in the sense that I don't feel like they actually need me for anything.
+1

[disregard]

I appreciate an implicit confidence that is used to treat others well.

[INTJMom]

How confident do you like your romantic interests to be? Do you distinguish between different types of confidence, such as compensatory pseudo-confidence and true confidence? Is there a point when confidence just becomes obnoxious for you?

I suppose confidence is more of an issue for women concerning men, but in women, I appreciate it a lot but sometimes it is clear to me that it's disingenuous to a degree and is used to cover up something.
This is a funny question for me because I was actually attracted to my ISTP husband because he was overtly confident.
Of course, after being married to him for many years, it became annoying. :newwink:

[Bella]

Not loudly confident, I can't keep up with that. Quietly confident is nice.

[ajblaise]

I appreciate an implicit confidence that is used to treat others well.

Do you have an example of this in mind?

[disregard]

I don't have an example.. but I've noticed the friends I've kept in my life are genuinely nice people. People can often be nasty because they aren't truly confident in their worth, desirability, etc, and so they are defensive, aggressive, rude, to you or others before you can reject them in some way.

[ajblaise]

gotcha

[disregard]

I don't like a confidence that condescends either. That's sort of what I meant. I like confidence that is used to be a "better" person.. not a worse one.

[ajblaise]

I don't like a confidence that condescends either. That's sort of what I meant. I like confidence that is used to be a "better" person.. not a worse one.

What about condescension that is totally in jest? Tongue-in-cheek teasing. Or do you not consider that true condescension?

[disregard]

It's not true condescension, if it's in jest, so I wouldn't mind.

That might even be attractive. Humor is often attractive.

[Randomnity]

Not loudly confident, I can't keep up with that. Quietly confident is nice.
+1

[Jennifer]

I just like confidence where people seem at peace with themselves and quietly believe in their own competence, so you can tell they're not always vying to prove themselves or jockey for position. They're self-secure, even while they are honest about their own strengths and weaknesses and successes and failures. They've got nothing to prove or deny.

I don't consider confidence that is self-seeking to be "confidence," that's more like bravado or hubris and it turns me off.

[runvardh]

Confident enough to actually believe she's worth something to me. When I say it I mean it, I don't want the words bouncing off a wall of "lacking self worth".

[Nighthawk]

I like confidence, but not to the point of steam rolling. If they appear too confident, it kind of turns me off in the sense that I don't feel like they actually need me for anything.


That sums it up pretty well for me too. I like a confident SO who can navigate their own way through the world and stand up for themselves. Cockiness or arrogance however, significantly diminishes the person in my eyes. There is a fine line.

[Jennifer]

Confident enough to actually believe she's worth something to me. When I say it I mean it, I don't want the words bouncing off a wall of "lacking self worth".

Oh, that's a good point.

Regardless of someone's gender, I always get tired of arguing with people about how they're actually "okay/good" and they seem to beg for validation with one hand and shove you away with the other.

:doh:

[ptgatsby]

Not so much that she knows she can find better than me: not so little that she convinces me I can do better than her.

[sarah]

I just like confidence where people seem at peace with themselves and quietly believe in their own competence, so you can tell they're not always vying to prove themselves or jockey for position. They're self-secure, even while they are honest about their own strengths and weaknesses and successes and failures. They've got nothing to prove or deny.

I don't consider confidence that is self-seeking to be "confidence," that's more like bravado or hubris and it turns me off.


Yep. I believe confidence is about relating to others as though they matter just as much as you rather than trying to impress -- which is to say, confident people know they matter a great deal, but not more than anybody else in the room.

Real confidence is refreshing to be around. I love people who are simply being thoughtful and generous because they LIKE other people, as opposed to the sort of people who make impressive gestures because they need to be liked. And I like how confident people don't give off that "neediness" vibe -- any compliments you give them can be spontaneous ones rather than an obligation you have to perform in order to keep them happy.

Sarah
ISFP

[heart]

Honest vulnerability is fine. True confidence is fine too.

[01011010]

I'd prefer my SO was more confident about her body. She fakes it for my benefit and it annoys me to no end. She works out and takes care of herself. She's attractive but she has deep seated emotional issues from her past that prevent her from being pleased with her physical looks.

[kyuuei]

I suppose everyone likes a balance.. but I'm still not sure if too much or too little is what I least prefer.

Too much confidence tends to lead to arrogance and, like stated above, makes me feel like I'm not at all necessary.

Too little makes me feel like I don't have a man at my side. I suppose in the end, I'd prefer slightly more confident. I couldn't stand it when I was in a relationship and made EVERY decision by myself. I could walk all over this guy, and do what I wanted, and he never even once raised a hand against it even if he could and would be justified in doing so. Obviously we weren't in love or anything.. but it made me feel like I could never be the woman .. even when I wanted to be.

I think confidence is heavily linked between the roles of men and women in relationships with each other (speaking for hetero relationships, as that's all I've been in.). Just as it seems men would rather deal with a woman with less, I'd rather deal with a bit more if given the ultimatum.

[gloomy-optimist]

I like it when the person is confident enough to be themselves. Someone who can wear what they want, who isn't afraid to go against the crowd a bit (that's not to say just people who look/act different; some people conform to nonconformity). A true understanding and embracing of self is beautiful~
But cockiness is not (unless it's playful). I don't like people making me feel like they're better than I am.

[Hmm]

I haven't given this much thought beyond wanting someone who is confident enough to interact with me.

[Jack Flak]

Mutual respect and competence is a plus.

[Nocapszy]

Mutual respect doesn't occur without competence.
May as well just say mutual respect.

[sanveane]

How confident do you like your romantic interests to be? Do you distinguish between different types of confidence, such as compensatory pseudo-confidence and true confidence? Is there a point when confidence just becomes obnoxious for you?

I suppose confidence is more of an issue for women concerning men, but in women, I appreciate it a lot but sometimes it is clear to me that it's disingenuous to a degree and is used to cover up something.

Well placed self-confidence is nice. Over-confidence initially doesn't bother me if it's in an attempt to connect. Over-confidence is a huge turn-off if he just wants to dominate though, blurgh. I truly don't mind a less confident guy. I'm inclined to think they are 'being themselves' which is what I really like.

[Jack Flak]

Mutual respect doesn't occur without competence.
May as well just say mutual respect.
Redundancy added for a "general audience."

[CaptainChick]

I value confidence and kindness in everybody, including potential SOs.

[toonia]

How confident do you like your romantic interests to be? Do you distinguish between different types of confidence, such as compensatory pseudo-confidence and true confidence? Is there a point when confidence just becomes obnoxious for you? It can definitely get obnoxious. There are two things I consider - first, I am fond of people who have some grip on reality. People who overestimate their skill level reveal a rather deep lack of comprehension about both the skill requirements and their own self. I appreciate people who are genuine and not just image conscious. I am attracted to the person who actually has the goods, so they don't have to waste energy proving it in the eyes of others.

It also helps to be with someone I can relate to in terms of skill, confidence, and self doubt. It's kinda nice to be with someone who is human with their short-comings which are dealt with truthfully and with a little courage.

I suppose confidence is more of an issue for women concerning men, but in women, I appreciate it a lot but sometimes it is clear to me that it's disingenuous to a degree and is used to cover up something.For my own self, I don't consider it that big of a problem that I have my share of self doubt. While it can be debilitating if I don't face up to the anxiety, it also provides insight into strategies to deal with limitations, it keeps my mind open and questioning so that I can learn, and it makes it easy to view others with more understanding. I've learned it's actually okay to be human. I like to keep it simple, and so feel it is better when I feel insecure about something to take a deep breath and do my best with a willingness to accept the fact that I have limitations which include self-doubt.

[sarah]

It can definitely get obnoxious. There are two things I consider - first, I am fond of people who have some grip on reality. People who overestimate their skill level reveal a rather deep lack of comprehension about both the skill requirements and their own self. I appreciate people who are genuine and not just image conscious. I am attracted to the person who actually has the goods, so they don't have to waste energy proving it in the eyes of others...

Good point -- there is a legitimate place for lack of confidence, in that it can spur you to want to learn more about something, or study something more thoroughly. Sometimes it helps to have someone gently and kindly break down your inflated level of confidence in order to get you to learn more or grow as a person.

Sarah
ISFP

[batumi]

I would personally love to have some clingy insecurity, just to see what it is like for a change, from the ISTJ I am dating.

[ceecee]

Too much confidence leads to the - of course I'm always right - arrogance and that's not attractive. There are a few places where I really like a lack of confidence and a desire to bolster that. Cooking skills are a good example for me personally. It's also adorable when he's very attentive and eager to learn a new dish or recipe then tries it on his own. Generally speaking he is very confident but not to where it's annoying. Clingy and insecure are something I can't deal with much of. The occasional neediness in him is rather endearing though.