MSN Home : Is it Okay to Cry at Work?

[Anja]

Saw this on the home page of MSN this morning. Haven't read it yet because I thought it would be interesting to hear what people have to say about this first.

A few jump-starter questions:

Do you cry at work? (Or only feel like it? Heh.) How is that for you? Is it okay for other people to do it? What kind of implications do you think it could have for your career, or don't you think it affects it? Has anyone ever worked at a place where it's the norm? Do you think anger is more acceptable in a work setting than tears?

[Randomnity]

I can't see myself crying at work, ever, and I would be very uncomfortable if anyone else was crying there.

Possible exception of a family member/etc dying, where I would understand someone else crying (though it'd still be uncomfortable), but in my case I would leave work for as long as I needed to, if at all possible.

Crying in response to everyday stuff? Not really professional, in my opinion.

[proteanmix]

If you need to cry then you need to cry. But I would say it depends on what you're crying about. If there is a situation that anyone with an ounce of human compassion would find it appropriate to cry over then it's OK. If you're frustrated about the job or a coworker and although you can't help feeling what you're feeling I would strongly suggest getting to a private place to cry. People will view you as unable to withstand workplace pressure, weak, incompetent and I don't think that perception would be completely untrue. It's not the crying itself that would make it so, but maybe a self-control issue and the ability to maintain your composure that would be questioned. It's not a comfortable and productive work environment to be around people who can't control their negative emotions. Some level or professionalism needs to be maintained. Best possible scenario would be there's an outlet for people to vent their inevitable workplace frustrations so that it doesn't erupt in a breakdown and steps are taken to correct the source of the frustration.

I think there's also a gender issue at work here. I've seen one man push a printer off the desk and a couple more yelling at people in anger. Probably a generalization but men are more likely to express their frustrations through anger. I'm more upset by those expressions of frustration because I feel like I could be in physical danger. Somebody crying just doesn't illicit that type of response.

I've cried a couple of times at work myself, but I walked a few blocks away from my building to a park so that there was little chance of a coworker seeing me cry.

[Grayscale]

nothing makes me more emotional than when we meet our quarterly EBITDA goal


and meetings... lots of meetings. but they are tears of joy, i assure you.

[InaF3157]

I cry out of boredom at meeting after interminable meeting. Does that count?
:tongue:
Actually, it is an unprofessional no-no. So, on those rare occasions where it was unavoidable, I've made sure it was a private wailing.

[Martoon]

I've seen one man push a printer off the desk and a couple more yelling at people in anger.
That's much more annoying to me than someone crying at work. If someone were crying at work, depending on the situation and context, it might make me a little uncomfortable, but I would most likely feel bad for them. But with people doing what you described, my only thought is grow up.

[Jennifer]

Do you cry at work?

Are you out of your mind?

:D

(Or only feel like it? Heh.)

yes, I've felt like it.

I would never cry at work.
It feels inappropriate and would likely only win negative attention.

I either go in the bathroom or (better yet) outside to my car, if I feel like I'm not going to make it.

As far as anger goes, Martoon's advice to "grow up" seems pretty appropriate to me. Just because someone is frustrated doesn't give them a right to act like a babyweeniehead!

(Why is it okay to lash out because you're frustrated, rather than cry because you're frustrated? Stupid double-standard, I think.)

[MacGuffin]

I feel it is appropriate for my co-workers to cry at work when I mortally wound them with my .45 after pissing me off for the last time.

[Jae Rae]

I cried at work when it was announced a young kidnap victim's body (Polly Klaas) was found. Many people cried on 9/11. Crying because you have been personally touched by something incidental to work seems to be acceptable. Crying because someone did something to you at work is problematic. It comes down to showing your vulnerability as a human being in the world at large vs. showing your vulnerability as an employee or co-worker.

[sanveane]

I cried at work once. I was working 120 hour week, most of the time I was locked in a room with one of the most unbearable women I've ever met. I was so frustrated with her that I had to lock myself in another room and cry it out for 5 mins or I was going to implode. Felt much better afterwards...

Couldn't care less if others cry at work... stuff happens in people's lives. Also the politics of the workplace can be hard for some. I've seen people cry because of things like that.

Crying at work about something job related wouldn't go down well if other people found out. Expressing anger in the workplace seems more acceptable.

[Anja]

I still haven't read the article and plan to do so before they change the home page.

My thought was that answers would be situational and gender related.

I've cried at work before - that third-person sort of stuff. I worked most often in the human services-type jobs where it was a given that grief was an acceptable and normal human response to some things. And that it was healthy for people not to stifle their emotions. I can imagine in a business office setting this would have a different, more judgemental, effect.

I remember a day when we were, hands-tied, sending a pedophile back home to his wife and daughters when we had a group cry. Seemed like an appropriate response to months of hard work and bucking the judicial system. Yup.

I worked for a period of time at night in a plastics factory where for eight hours a night I repeated the same movement over and over. One night the tears just began pouring down my cheeks. They were tears of sheer boredom.

Those are the only times I can remember crying at work. In the latter,there was no apparent reaction that I recall. We were pretty much handcuffed to our machines and anyone who saw me could probably shrug with self-identification. "Tough life. Suck it up."

I do remember two times when, instead of crying, which I probably wanted to do, I exploded. In one instance I shoved a male coworker out of the staff room door and slammed it. The nurses across the hall clapped and yelled, "About time you got angry!" Such a surprise. But, yes. I think I felt like crying.

The other time I threw a clipboard across a coworker's office. He was a psychiatrist and he didn't twitch a muscle.

I left the room and felt like an idiot. Heh. Probably cried later.

I've seen some pretty spectacular office blow-ups on YouTube. (That may be a flip-side of crying.) Remember Michael Douglas in "Falling Down?" The workers who go "postal?" The suicides from office windows after the stock market crash in 1929?

Maybe it would be better for society if we "allowed" crying at work?

Before I go to bed I'll check on the article and make a few comments on what it says.

[millerm277]

Do you cry at work? (Or only feel like it? Heh.) How is that for you? Is it okay for other people to do it? What kind of implications do you think it could have for your career, or don't you think it affects it? Has anyone ever worked at a place where it's the norm? Do you think anger is more acceptable in a work setting than tears?

No. Then again, I don't have the desire to either. However, it'd be considered VERY strange if you did, as engineering=90% male.

[heart]

I would never cry at work. I don't cry in front of other people. I am really uncomfortable when people who are not close to me, as in part of my private life cry in front of me. I am just uncomfortable around really dramatic displays of emotion like that. I feel the same about people raging.

[Bella]

Yes, if you're going to do it quickly and quietly in the bathroom, and then come out looking like nothing ever happened.

[Martoon]

I worked for a period of time at night in a plastics factory where for eight hours a night I repeated the same movement over and over. One night the tears just began pouring down my cheeks. They were tears of sheer boredom.
Wow. That is some serious boredom. I always thought "bored to tears" was just an expression, but I could see it happening. I know when you have to do something long after you can no longer stand to do it, you can feel like you're going to explode. I could see it coming to a frustrated crying bout.

Maybe it would be better for society if we "allowed" crying at work?
I think it should be mandatory. Minimum monthly weeping quota for everyone.

I would never cry at work. I don't cry in front of other people. I am really uncomfortable when people who are not close to me, as in part of my private life cry in front of me. I am just uncomfortable around really dramatic displays of emotion like that. I feel the same about people raging.
The crying is uncomfortable because there's kind of an obligation to respect it somehow. Like it's not appropriate to continue normal conversation around it, etc. I usually feel bad for the person, but if it's someone I don't really know, and/or in an awkward situation, I'm at a loss to do anything about it. If someone were crying just to be melodramatic and get attention, I'm sure it would be different (I've never had that happen).

But someone raging is really intrusive. That's much worse. On the upside, though, that's actually quite fun to ignore, and continue things around it like it's not happening.

[Ivy]

If I'm going to cry, I'm going to cry. It's just going to happen. If I were not at home I'd get myself to a private location in a jiffy because it's SUPER embarrassing to cry in front of people who don't know me really, really well. And as a few of you have mentioned it makes people uncomfortable. And, of course, there's that whole "unprofessional" thing if it happened at a workplace, although probably abruptly excusing myself to go cry wouldn't be that much better.

I work alone at home most of the time though so it isn't really an issue for me.

[Usehername]

I definitely have never been comfortable crying in front of anyone else, even close loved ones. I can tell them I cried (past tense) but letting them see me cry is too stressful.

[Anja]

I've returned to MSN and they had already changed the page by 10:00pm. Unsure if I can retrieve it.

I had a thought while reading your response to heart, Martoon. And I think you've made an important distinction. What's the crying about? As others did mention.

If you've got a drama king in your midst, ah - most likely a drama queen - then perhaps ignoring it is a good reponse. Let the manager deal with the theatrics.

I was just trying to put myself in the place of someone who finally just couldn't take the stress and "lost it." I think my response to people ignoring it would feel pretty lonely.

Then, in other's shoes, I suppose, given the person, I could feel that the tears did call for some kind of action on my part. But what? What the heck is office etiquette in this situation?

Some people seem to have the knack for dealing with it in a humorous way, others, with a glance or the touch of an arm can express the sympathy of a whole room full of speechless people. A gift!

I'd guess most of us would initially be puzzled/annoyed. Then that moment would pass to everyone's relief. Can talk about it on break. Preferrably without the crier in attendance!

I was trying to think of a word to express "lost it" as a social perception. The only other one that came to mind was "broke down." heart uses 'dramatics."

Seems harsh terms for a normal human function.

So I'm thinking if ignoring it would be a means of social disapproval or punishment for the discomfort the crier is causing it certainly would be reinforcing of "stuffing" one's feelings.

__________________________________________________

I just remembered more about the plastics factory. These women I worked with were, in general, in dire straits. Most were single moms with no education and not much of a promising future ahead. Tired, stressed from being mom all day and then working all night.

It was pretty painful to consider how their lives were. The natural reaction was to get "tough." And these women were. They had to be.

I don't think I ever saw anyone there cry and many had good reason. But I did see a degree of "tough" style anger. Our "alpha female" got in a tussle with a monster of a machine that formed and then cut the plastic pieces which she was grabbing out of that hot, dangerous behemoth at a rate that bested the rest of us. She was cursing. Management kept setting the bar higher everytime she beat the rest of us. And they kept increasing the speed of the machine itself. Tempers were high.

The machine jammed. That would mean a shut down and she'd lose her top spot. Against her better judgement, I'm sure, and against all rules, she reached under the cutters to grab the jammed piece of plastic, her timing was off and the cutters came down and sliced off her hand.

I've thought from time to time about that horror. And I've wondered if she could have "broken down," if she could have admitted "weakness," she may not have had to jeopardize herself that way.

And in that system, it wouldn't have worked, I think. They called an ambulance, shut the machine down, and within an hour it was running again.

Last night I ran into someone from that crew I hadn't seen in three decades. She told me many of us have died prematurely from cancer. Plastics fumes?

That's our salt of the earth out there making sure that toys get properly packaged for the Christmas rush. Their humanity is jeopardized to serve the public. I think that may be true in more than factory jobs.

[whatever]

Nope- never cried at work. But then again, I very rarely cry about anything at all.

I've seen people melt down and cry after being yelled at by really rude customers and stuff of that sort, and I really don't care- if it makes them feel better, go for it! Me? I've always just requested a cigarette break so that I could just get away for a bit (f*&^ing hotel :dry:)

Escape is better than crying to me.

[colmena]

If a few tears are going to come, I don't mind. That's physically cathartic enough for me. If others need that, then that's fine. A few deep breaths and I'm alright to go on.

I haven't had a breakdown since I was a child, but if that's what others need, then that's OK. I'm not going to judge.

[Lookin4theBestNU]

I'm someone who deals with people at work crying quite often. I consider it a good week if no tears are shed. I really wish most of the time that folks would take it to a quiet place but as an F feel I'm pretty well-equipped to deal with it. I've had some very hard days with failures, confrontations and loads of disappointment. I've had to release stress but attempt to be professional at all times. The day after my brother passed though I did sob in the office even though I thought I could handle it. If it's sincere I can appreciate the need better but still most people do not ask to be put in that position. Martoon is spot on that people expect you to respect their tears and this can be turned manipulative. I know a couple of women in particular who can turn on the :cry: at any given moment if it suits their needs. I find that far more frustrating when it's only a show. I've also had a couple of jobs where childish temper tantrums were allowed. I find that completely unacceptable and have left a job based on that fact alone.

[spirilis]

That's much more annoying to me than someone crying at work. If someone were crying at work, depending on the situation and context, it might make me a little uncomfortable, but I would most likely feel bad for them. But with people doing what you described, my only thought is grow up.

Haha, I've met a few folks who've done that at my workplace. It's just about the only kind of frustration release you find there (beyond the subtle-but-wholly-unsatisfactory passive aggression/bad attitude/blame game which I've found myself partaking) in a workplace nearly full of guys, especially in the tech. department.

I remember a couple weeks after I started working there as an intern, a coworker just got up and SHOVED everything, all the papers & computer hardware & junk straight off his desk extension and the one adjacent (which was unoccupied) and stormed off to get some coffee. I went over to pick up some of the stuff and my boss went "NO!! don't touch it! LET HIM pick it up" (which he did). That guy was a pistol to be sure. He's no longer there but we have someone else who likes to slam his fist against his desk (or shove papers) in quiet frustration every once in a while. It's kinda funny. FWIW I am pretty sure both of those folks are ESxP types, not that it has much to do with it. My personal preference is to use every curse word in the book in a low voice while flipping off my laptop when I'm pissed, followed by a bitch-slap motion against the side of the display.

[Eldanen]

I remember girls at my school who used to run out of the classroom on almost a daily basis in 12th grade to go cry. It was interesting to be around that much drama. It was actually quite invigorating for me :P. So go ahead, cry at work! Just don't expect me to be able to deal with your emotions :/.

[Anja]

Yeah, that desk slamming thing can turn into a grandstanding act as well. This winter I shared space with someone who acted out their frustration like that and it was most disconcerting. Just as tears seem to beg for a response so too did the stomping around, cursing and slamming things down.

I felt as though she was obligating me to join into her unhappiness. And as detached as I chose to be it did have that effect of unsettling me. It's pretty controlling.