How do Fe-doms decide when to hate or dislike someone?

[Mort Belfry]

This is something I've been wondering about lately. Do XXFJs aim to get along with as many people as possible? Or do they often write people off and for what reason?

(Sorry for the short OP, I really have nothing more to add.)

[PinkPiranha]

This is something I've been wondering about lately. Do XXFJs aim to get along with as many people as possible?

Disharmony is hard to deal with, but I don't *aim* to get along with everyone. I just like people. I want to understand them. That's my prime mover. As a mechanic, I was in a pretty odd place. Even though I got into plenty of scraps, I was told by one of the redneck boys that I was very well liked and that they saw me as their sister. (Well. Except for the ENTP I was involved with...) My love for people got pushed and burned and tested constantly. Most times it ended with understanding. Sometimes rude hand gestures, cursing, and yelling.


Or do they often write people off and for what reason?

There was one boy in my garage. He was too much. Very young, tough, cocky, narrow. I could see a lot of good in him, but he pushed me SO HARD. He was difficult. I got into more than my fair share of cuss-outs with him. But ultimately, we reached an equilibrium. I'd cursed him out so bad the day before that his eyebrows caught on fire. When I came in the next day, I grabbed him from behind and squeezed him and said, "You make me crazy, S. Don't make me kill you." He turned his head, smiled, nodded, said quietly, "Okay..." We got along fine after that.

I will strive to find what makes each person tick. It's an automatic impulse. Yes, there are people that I absolutely wash my hands of and will not give the time of day to. If you insist on being a jackass, I give up.

[animenagai]

i think Fe's genuinely try to get along with people. i think as long as you don't piss them off actively, they'll see you as a friend. most of them time it's not because they want to be seen as popular or anything, just that they dislike conflict. to piss off a mature Fe user i think you either

A. got into a misunderstanding or

B. just crossed the line.

[entropie]

You think ? I dont.

Pissing of Fe users is the best thing there is :D

[animenagai]

You think ? I dont.

Pissing of Fe users is the best thing there is :D

WHAT? YOU ANGER ME! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRR! :steam:

ok, technically, i'm not a Fe user, not as a major process anyways, but we all know that's not true. :D

[Brendan]

Well, when I try to think of the people I hate, I come up empty handed. Which I have to say pleasantly surprises me. There's no one who I just wish didn't exist. Though, if you want to get on my bad side, certain things like lying, bullying and generally doing stupid things for no apparent reason are very quick ways of doing so.

[entropie]

bullying and generally doing stupid things for no apparent reason are very quick ways of doing so.

Now we are talking :D

[PinkPiranha]

You think ? I dont.

Pissing of Fe users is the best thing there is :D

*destroys you with my mind* :D

[entropie]

*destroys you with my mind* :D

Sounds like the red panties today :D

[heart]

Red panties will make root chakra go on overload! Watchout!

[PinkPiranha]

Sounds like the red panties today :D


Why yes, how did y... :doh: ARG!

[entropie]

:D:D

To comment on the OP. I have come to get Fe-Doms and Fe-Auxilarys to know to be concerned of how they are perceived in society. That means basically, they care about the basic rules that are necessary to make a good appeal in society.

I like this attitude because I care about it too and want to make a good appeal.

Their basic flaw, if they are E or I and J is that they are not quick to jump to new ideas. That is not a flaw at all, yet, but if you really had an insight and you want to show it to the introverted Perceiver, you need to assess his Introverted View on the world first and then you can try showing him the idea. By that time, the patient could be dead.

But that is ok, because if you read my last paragraph backwards you have got the basic flaw of the entp.

I love Fe-Doms. They just flirt the best :)

[animenagai]

Red panties will make root chakra go on overload! Watchout!

is that actually true? does that mean wearing a green shirt will be good for my heart chakra?

[PinkPiranha]

is that actually true? does that mean wearing a green shirt will be good for my heart chakra?

IMO, color is very very effective. It alters my mood drastically. It got to the point where I couldn't even wear black underwear anymore because I was such a storm cloud. I can hardly tolerate red against my skin, or near my face (except for lipstick) because it alters my mood so much. I only wore red when I was in "battle" mode. The color is generally "too hot" for my Fe-primary to handle calmly. I tend to submarine and become very cold and aggressive. It seems to extrovert my worst tendencies.

I have to be in the right mood to wear it, when all the planets align that is.

Green was a color I began to wear a lot when I sick. It seems to draw vital energy to you.

[Jack Flak]

Hmmm.... Fe is a tad unusual.

[proteanmix]

This is something I've been wondering about lately. Do XXFJs aim to get along with as many people as possible? Or do they often write people off and for what reason?

(Sorry for the short OP, I really have nothing more to add.)

I have this thing about people who get along with everybody and not liking them. My strategy isn't to get along with everyone, just try not to piss off everyone. I think that people who get along with everyone are bland, but that's my biased opinion. Or they could be gifted, IDK.

I've disliked people instantly before for no good reason. I feel bad that I don't like them but that doesn't stop me from not liking them. When I realize I'm doing this I actually try to be extra nice to them because I know how my feelings are based on thin evidence. So if I'm being unusually nice to you, I probably hate your guts. :devil: In some cases I've found out later on these people were the scum around the bathtub so then I don't feel so guilty about it. But then I'm unusually nice to people I truly care for as well so I could love you or hate you. That was confusing so ignore it.

I think Fe-doms want to like everyone but we can't. Some people just aren't likable. Mort, do you need me to cut somebody for you?

[PinkPiranha]

I think Fe-doms want to like everyone but we can't. Some people just aren't likable.

Werd.

Mort, do you need me to cut somebody for you?

LOL!

[MEC]

I am Fe when I flirt I mean business.
If black is bad for the mood I will have to stop wearing it,when I was pregant bright colours made me sick.
As for people I don't like, not hate, unfair, impatient ones ,I just stay away from them.

[Mort Belfry]

Mort, do you need me to cut somebody for you?

:wubbie: My hero.

I instantly hate some people too, but usually they turn out to be really nice people, and I never feel guilty about it. I've become good friends with people I hated straight off the bat just because I didn't like their mannerisms or forehead or haircut or something.

[entropie]

I am Fe when I flirt I mean business.


uff

[Dwigie]

I try my best not to be bothered by people, I don't "hate" anyone either that's funny I asked myself that question before and me and my friend couldn't come up with an answer either. Just a few people we didn't like very much, plus I overuse the term hate but I don't "feel" hate, just a bit of resentment from long lasting grudges.
It's very hard to get "deep" in my bad side...if you do it's probably forever though, luckily this works with my good side too.^^

[Lookin4theBestNU]

I tend to write-off people who I observe/decide are useless, boring, stupid or hateful. In other words pretty much like everyone else. I think I give people the benefit of the doubt more then others which can be construed as wanting to always get along. Usually how it works is that even though instinct tells me I am right about someone I don't want to write them off. I want to believe and see what is good about a person. It takes me a long time usually to decide to completely write someone off and when that happens it usually sticks. They will also have little doubt about what I think about them. If I have decided that you are not worth my time it's highly unlikely that you will even be confronted. Confronting you usually means I care (at least somewhat) about your opinion/side to an issue or that I'm willing to take time to show you mine. I'm not sure it that answered it or not:huh:.

[evan]

I decide not to like people if they make the situation worse on average than better. "The situation" includes the feelings of the group, with slightly more weight on my own.

Everything depends on the group I'm in, too. I can really dislike behavior A around group B but not care about behavior A around group C. Everything affects everything else.

But there are some people that, even across situations, make me more annoyed than happy, so those are the people I don't like.

(I know I'm not a dom-Fe, but whatever.)

[Brendan]

I love Fe-Doms. They just flirt the best :)
Hell yes!
Hmmm.... Fe is a tad unusual.
Uh yeah.

[Ishida]

I don't get Fe. Colors affecting your mood? I'll admit though that I don't hate anyone and even find it hard to dislike people without a logical reason. Last person I didn't really like was because of how they treated their mother.

[MEC]

uff
LOL don't encourage me

[Cimarron]

I don't get Fe. Colors affecting your mood?
It sounds like witchcraft to me! :dry: But more seriously, I think I can vaguely see where that's coming from. It's why I don't wear bright colors very often, because they don't match my personality. I'm not a "bright" person...

[Tallulah]

:wubbie: My hero.

I instantly hate some people too, but usually they turn out to be really nice people, and I never feel guilty about it. I've become good friends with people I hated straight off the bat just because I didn't like their mannerisms or forehead or haircut or something.

Oh, me, too. I wonder sometimes if it's just knowing that I only have a certain amount of energy, so it's good to go ahead and filter out some folks, and excuse myself from being obligated to friendship. :huh:

[Jae Rae]

Recently I decided to devote a lot less energy (like almost none) to a friend who kept four of us waiting 45 minutes for lunch (that's a total of 3 hours) for no good reason, she just wanted to make one more shopping stop before meeting us. This was not an isolated incident, just the last one. I don't have that kind of time to waste anymore.

She's called twice and I've let the machine pick up. I've emailed back our news but haven't made plans to see her. When she tells me "I've set aside such and such a time to see you" I'll consider it. So, to answer the OP, I don't write people off for no reason. I give them many chances.

There are two people at my new job (not management) who go out to lunch together every day and they've never once asked me to join them. They also get take-out coffee, but only for each other; the one time I asked if I could get in on that, it was done most reluctantly. These behaviors make me dislike and resent them.

[CaptainChick]

My mother is an Fe dom, and she is a bit of an exception, I believe, because she is an intuitive, (not in the typological, sense). She's an ESFJ.

But I must say, she will meet someone and within milliseconds feel them out and assess their goodness, or badness, and nine out of ten times, she is SPOT ON, in her assessments.

This has always boggled me, my mother is not that smart, (in the classical sense), yet when it comes to people she is a fucking genius.

She can tell when people are depressed, on drugs, lonely, sad, insincere, you name it, her ability to glean information from non-verbal cues is nothing less than astounding!!!

[CaptainChick]

Recently I decided to devote a lot less energy (like almost none) to a friend who kept four of us waiting 45 minutes for lunch (that's a total of 3 hours) for no good reason, she just wanted to make one more shopping stop before meeting us. This was not an isolated incident, just the last one. I don't have that kind of time to waste anymore.
Ewwww!!!

There are two people at my new job (not management) who go out to lunch together every day and they've never once asked me to join them. They also get take-out coffee, but only for each other; the one time I asked if I could get in on that, it was done most reluctantly. These behaviors make me dislike and resent them.
The fact that you even had to ask pisses me off!!!

:steam:

Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!

[Jae Rae]

IMO, color is very very effective. It alters my mood drastically. It got to the point where I couldn't even wear black underwear anymore because I was such a storm cloud. I can hardly tolerate red against my skin, or near my face (except for lipstick) because it alters my mood so much. I only wore red when I was in "battle" mode. The color is generally "too hot" for my Fe-primary to handle calmly. I tend to submarine and become very cold and aggressive. It seems to extrovert my worst tendencies.

I have to be in the right mood to wear it, when all the planets align that is.

Green was a color I began to wear a lot when I sick. It seems to draw vital energy to you.

I'm with you about Red. I can't wear it myself unless the planets or holidays are aligned and I don't like it on my husband. He has 2 or 3 red shirts I hate. Part of the reason is they're orangey red and he looks better in cooler reds, but there's an emotional component, too. They get me stirred up and not in a good way.

I can't wear unrelieved black next to my face, but I love all other forms.

[proteanmix]

Yeah, FJs don't like to feel like they're being excluded or like they're not welcome (or maybe it's just EFJs) or being blown off although I suppose most people don't like being blown off. But then you've got the blowers and the blowees and I don't think FJs often fall into the latter category. I make such an effort to include everyone that when people don't even think about including me or forget me I'm offended. But then we're quite the awesomest when showing our assess to people we don't like so I guess the universe is balanced.

[evan]

Fe is an appropriateness monitor.

"Bad" basically means "inappropriate".

[Jennifer]

I usually evaluate things with Ti but I have a strong Fe.

It's ingrained in me that there's a certain way you treat people in a community setting; and while I can parse the intellectual content from someone's comments, if they're being a complete a-hole I'll just ignore them until they "play nice."

So if you talk over top other people, I don't care what your ideas are (although the whole time I'm recording them, evaluating them, and incorporating the good ones internally); I will not acknowledge you until you wait your turn and act respectfully. Or I'll take the other tact and get blunt.

And if you're a good thinker but you treat people with self-hubris or with loathing or just behave badly, I won't bother to engage you much in the group setting. (I'll consider one-on-one if your behavior changes outside the group context, but mostly that doesn't happen.)

I don't know why that is. I will read books by people who I don't particularly like, if I think their ideas are good. It's not really personal, because I'll feel that I don't like someone but as soon as they start interacting appropriately, I'll be totally fine with them; it's the behavior, not the person, that turns me off. But I don't want to invest relationally in people who just don't treat other people as equal valued beings. It's what I learned growing up, it's what I learned from being a parent and have taught my kids, and I guess it sank in because it meshes intellectually with my own sense of all people being mortal and being on an equal playing field.

A social unit that does not reinforce the equal value of its members will either destroy itself or it will become a tool for the strong to prey on the weak.

[CaptainChick]

Fe is an appropriateness monitor.

"Bad" basically means "inappropriate".
Yes, my mom is ALL about appropriateness and inappropriateness, lol, and having me as her "shameless" ENFP daughter has caused both her and I much strife.

If I burp out loud, lol, in public, I'm a heathen.

If I spit in private, I'm a slob.

If I leave the house without combing my hair or looking slovenly dressed, I look like a "low, crazy person".

If I curse in public or private, I am classless.

If I am too loud or opinionated, I am unladylike.

If I am dressed too provocatively, translation if a centimeter of cleavage is showing, I'm dressed like a whore. (She doesn't explicitly say that, but she likes me best when I look like a 40 year old chaste republican :) )

[Jennifer]

Yes, my mom is ALL about appropriateness and inappropriateness, lol, and having me as her "shameless" ENFP daughter has caused both her and I much strife.

If I burp out loud, lol, in public, I'm a heathen.
If I spit in private, I'm a slob.
If I leave the house without combing my hair or looking slovenly dressed, I look like a "low, crazy person".
If I curse in public or private, I am classless.
If I am too loud or opinionated, I am unladylike.
If I am dressed too provocatively, translation if a centimeter of cleavage is showing, I'm dressed like a whore. (She doesn't explicitly say that, but she likes me best when I look like a 40 year old chaste republican :) )

So is she just riding you without warrant or respect, or would her standards actually help you to be a more effective participant in society?

I suppose that's the real question, isn't it?

[CaptainChick]

So is she just riding you without warrant or respect, or would her standards actually help you to be a more effective participant in society?

I suppose that's the real question, isn't it?
Lol, for sure, she wants me to be a square.

Honestly, I do believe *some* of her complaints are completely warranted.

I am a considerate person when it comes to shit that matters, I am compassionate and kind but I am a bit wacko and "unrefined", if you will.

But, hmm, compromise is the key to many fruitful things, so I should take some of the stuff she complains about more to heart.

Thanks for making me think about this!!!

:)

[evan]

Yes, my mom is ALL about appropriateness and inappropriateness, lol, and having me as her "shameless" ENFP daughter has caused both her and I much strife.

If I burp out loud, lol, in public, I'm a heathen.

If I spit in private, I'm a slob.

If I leave the house without combing my hair or looking slovenly dressed, I look like a "low, crazy person".

If I curse in public or private, I am classless.

If I am too loud or opinionated, I am unladylike.

If I am dressed too provocatively, translation if a centimeter of cleavage is showing, I'm dressed like a whore. (She doesn't explicitly say that, but she likes me best when I look like a 40 year old chaste republican :) )

Sounds more like Si/Fe.

Ni/Fe keeps coming up with its own system of appropriateness. Si/Fe picks one system and stabilizes it.

[PinkPiranha]

The fact that you even had to ask pisses me off!!!

:steam:

Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!

Seriously. What is this - 8th grade??


I'm with you about Red. I can't wear it myself unless the planets or holidays are aligned and I don't like it on my husband. He has 2 or 3 red shirts I hate. Part of the reason is they're orangey red and he looks better in cooler reds, but there's an emotional component, too. They get me stirred up and not in a good way.

I can't wear unrelieved black next to my face, but I love all other forms.

Oh good, I'm glad someone can relate. I've always felt a bit strange about that particular "quirk" of mine. Jaye is similar about certain colors too. I can wear black (like I am now, incidentally) but "hot" colors? They turn me into a cold inferno. I can wear a hot pink, which seems to stop just short of my volcanism in a good spot. If I wore red, someone was going to get it. I used to wear bright red lipstick with blackened raccoon eyes and unblushed pale skin. That was war paint. I'm sure I could handle it bit better now, but I'd certainly be "in character" in all red. Unless something fundamentally changes, I can't or choose not to wear it.

An INTJ friend of mine, she loves red, but she's "cool" and can take the heat. Red gives her level disposition a charge. For me, it's just throwing fuel on a fire that's already sky high.

A friend of mine, an ISFJ, saw a psychic once who told her that red was a "shield" color.


Fe is an appropriateness monitor.

"Bad" basically means "inappropriate".

Oh yeah? :D Then explain why my ENFP twin is always correcting *me*. haha.... we got into a fierce conversation the other day and she said she felt like she was wrestling a greased pig. oops!

[Jennifer]

Ni/Fe keeps coming up with its own system of appropriateness. Si/Fe picks one system and stabilizes it.

Probably.

The Ni+Fe combo is definitely good at figuring out an appropriate system for context and personalities and going with that one. Si digs in its feet against all outsiders.

Recently I decided to devote a lot less energy (like almost none) to a friend who kept four of us waiting 45 minutes for lunch (that's a total of 3 hours) for no good reason, she just wanted to make one more shopping stop before meeting us. This was not an isolated incident, just the last one. I don't have that kind of time to waste anymore.

That would really piss me off.

If you can't be there, that's okay... but call.
And if you can't call, then you'd better be there.
Tough luck on the shopping stop -- tell the princess to suck it up and go later.

She's called twice and I've let the machine pick up. I've emailed back our news but haven't made plans to see her. When she tells me "I've set aside such and such a time to see you" I'll consider it. So, to answer the OP, I don't write people off for no reason. I give them many chances.

Yeah, I wait for a pattern to show up. But if someone has a pattern of breaking engagements, I don't like to schedule with them anymore. Like you say with all the chances, I do the same, I'm flexible and understanding ... until something happens over and over and it's clear they're not making an effort to be respectful of my time and friendship.

There are two people at my new job (not management) who go out to lunch together every day and they've never once asked me to join them. They also get take-out coffee, but only for each other; the one time I asked if I could get in on that, it was done most reluctantly. These behaviors make me dislike and resent them.

Are they people you work with directly?

If it's just two people who I don't interact with daily, I'm less bothered.
If it's people I work with directly and they always blow me off and never once extend an offer, I'd view it as a more personal issue.
(i.e., "Do they have to purposefully exclude me to not invite me?")

The people here are pretty good about that, they usually ask if anyone wants to do the lunch thing even tho I rarely go because of lack of money for that.

[proteanmix]

Sounds more like Si/Fe.

Ni/Fe keeps coming up with its own system of appropriateness. Si/Fe picks one system and stabilizes it.

I don't think that's true of FeNi or FeSi unless you meant NiFe (INFJ) and SiFe (ISFJ).

CC, I don't think asking you to not burp in public is asking you to be a square, but whatever. It's not like I don't fart in my cube (TMI) but I'm not embarrassed about it when I do it in the bathroom vs where somebody giving me a fax can smell it. Appropriateness counts for a lot. I don't think your mother would say you should never burp of fart or dress slovenly or any of those things, she's just making the point that when and where you do it counts and I agree with her. Your mother is implicitly acknowledging that you are judged (accurately or inaccurately) on such behaviors. Should they matter? I guess that's the question.

There are aspects of Fe that are highly image conscious for a few reasons. One is like PP said and I agree with; Fe is pretty susceptible to the environment it's in. Sometimes I wonder if the people around me are oblivious to the emotional currents swirling around because they don't seem to be affected. So I can see why Fe dominants (and maybe all FJs) seek to control their emotional environment because they're affected by it the most. I'm attracted to/repulsed by certain things purely based on what type of emotions they cause me to feel.

And then the other part of image consciousness has to do with something like CC said her mother does. We all project images and create personas for ourselves. When we see a stranger on the street we make assumptions (in the most neutral definition on the word) about them based on what they're communicating to us non-verbally. Fe's base a lot of their communication to and from people on this. It's hard for me to figure out how much of this is specific to FJs and how much of this is just a general people thing, but I think FJs really do seek to manipulate this knowledge (again in the most neutral definition of the word) more than other types.

[Jae Rae]

Are they people you work with directly?

If it's just two people who I don't interact with daily, I'm less bothered.
If it's people I work with directly and they always blow me off and never once extend an offer, I'd view it as a more personal issue.
(i.e., "Do they have to purposefully exclude me to not invite me?")

The people here are pretty good about that, they usually ask if anyone wants to do the lunch thing even tho I rarely go because of lack of money for that.

I had the same job and was sitting directly next to one of them when they blithely made their plans day after day. We all work in the same open area, no private offices. In the meantime, two other people have been hired. Now a new person is sitting where I first did. She also hasn't been invited to lunch by the excluders, but I asked her to have lunch with me her first Friday and the following week, and she was enthusiastically grateful.

The other new person isn't a cataloguer, but he works directly with the other person in the equation. Last week he even commented on the coffee thing. My plan is to ask both newbies to lunch this Friday.

[Tallulah]

I had the same job and was sitting directly next to one of them when they blithely made their plans day after day. We all work in the same open area, no private offices. In the meantime, two other people have been hired. Now a new person is sitting where I first did. She also hasn't been invited to lunch by the excluders, but I asked her to have lunch with me her first Friday and the following week, and she was enthusiastically grateful.

The other new person isn't a cataloguer, but he works directly with the other person in the equation. Last week he even commented on the coffee thing. My plan is to ask both newbies to lunch this Friday.

Is it possible that they just click, and like to hang out together? I mean, I do try to think of others, but I've never really understood the idea that adults have to include all other adults in everything they do. Isn't it just natural that some personalities just mesh, and they want to spend their lunch hour hanging out, rather than trying to make small talk with the rest of the office? I do agree that it would probably be more considerate of them not to talk about their plans publicly, though.

I mean, from my perspective, people in an office are just randomly thrown together, there's no reason they all have to hang out and be best friends outside of the office. But then, I'm an NT, and not the best with people stuff.

[Jae Rae]

You may have hit the nail on the head. I'm looking at it from the perspective of "don't they remember what it was like being the new person in the office?" The idea is not they invite us every time, but how about once?

[Jennifer]

I had the same job and was sitting directly next to one of them when they blithely made their plans day after day. We all work in the same open area, no private offices.

Ah okay, then that does seem like they should have invited you just as a nicety even if they were indifferent... especially with you being the new person.

In the meantime, two other people have been hired. Now a new person is sitting where I first did. She also hasn't been invited to lunch by the excluders, but I asked her to have lunch with me her first Friday and the following week, and she was enthusiastically grateful.

Good for you. :hug:

I know what it is like to be an outsider too and take it on myself to talk to new people at gatherings where I am an established member.

[Uytuun]

They seem to respond the way you respond to them...

[Tallulah]

You may have hit the nail on the head. I'm looking at it from the perspective of "don't they remember what it was like being the new person in the office?" The idea is not they invite us every time, but how about once?

Right, I understand. Maybe y'all could have a once-a-month take-the-newbies-to-lunch thing?