Succinct Rules for Good Communication

[Edahn]

I was talking with my cousin today who is having problems in his marriage. He is reluctant to communicate them to his spouse because she often attacks him until he feels guilty about bringing anything up. This, I assume, is in part related to the way HE has communicate with HER in the past. All in all, there is a lot of turmoil in their marriage that I believe could be avoided if they aBidened (heh) by certain rules. So, reflecting on your intimate relationships with friends or lovers, can you come up with any succinct, memorable rules for healthy, efficient communication?

[Edahn]

1. Try to phrase things that bother you in terms of the way they affect you, rather than explaining how the other person must change. No one likes it when you deprive them of autonomy and will rarely yield to instructions unless there is mutual concession.

2. Keep in mind that anger is a reaction out of pain. It may take a while to be able to see what's bothering your partner, but remember that makes it easier to see through the anger and not take it as personally.

3. Real progress is made when people are listening. Listening is more of a zone than an activity. When you're angry and blaming, no one's really ready to examine and take responsibility for their actions.

4. Don't be afraid to apologize, but don't be too quick, either.

5. Don't be afraid to look weak by sharing your needs. Standing up to that fear will make you stronger.

6. Sometimes just spending time together watching TV or not talking can be very healing and nurturing. Know when you play this card.

[sciski]

Don't devalue the other person. Their feelings are valid, even if their impressions might be incorrect.

Don't devalue yourself. Your feelings are valid, even if your impressions might be incorrect.

If both partners understand this, it could lead to more open and unrestrained communication, without fear of attack and reprisal. Basically it is about creating an atmosphere for communication where both people feel safe about being vulnerable.

(Or what Edahn said, in a less ordered form.)

[kuranes]

Don't excuse all of your own actions as being the result of "pressing or unavoidable circumstance" while blaming all of your partners disputed actions on his/her "character".

[Bella]

Tell it like it is, I find tact to be useless, sometimes.

[ajblaise]

Tell it like it is, I find tact to be useless, sometimes.

You're questioning tact.. you don't care about safety rules..... you're loosen it.

[Bella]

You reckon?

[ajblaise]

You reckon?

by SJ standards..

[Bella]

Whoo yeah! I'm a regular rebel without a cause. Now I'm gonna make some real waves by changing the capitol 'B' Bella to a small a small 'b' - bringing out the big guns.

[ajblaise]

Whoo yeah! I'm a regular rebel without a cause. Now I'm gonna make some real waves by changing the capitol 'B' Bella to a small a small 'b' - bringing out the big guns.

Wow... FBI, keep your eyes on this one. She's a loose cannon.

[Edahn]

Anyone else? I'm sure that in all of your failed relationships you must have learned something. C'mon people!

[ptgatsby]

Anyone else? I'm sure that in all of your failed relationships you must have learned something. C'mon people!

The only thing I can say is...

Don't learn from bad relationships, learn from good ones. It doesn't matter how many bad relationships you learn from, it still doesn't teach you how to foster a good one.

Communication takes time. There is no magic method that makes things good. It isn't hard to do, once. It is very hard to always control your behavior and not break the 'good communication rules'. (Which are essentially - validate what they say, listen to what they say, don't make it personal, seek a mutual solution.)

[Journey]

Sometimes, just sometimes, smile and forgive without saying anything at all (or as Crystal Gayle sings: "Smile if it kills you, find some common thing to say--cause there ain't no doubt when you work it all out, it's too good to throw away.") The only trouble with this rule is you truly have to forgive and forget it, not stuff it or it will turn to bitterness and come out later.

[hiddengem]

This are a couple of things that I have recently learned:

You can understand someone's point of view, but you don't have to agree with it. Validation and empathy don't require you to give up anything of yourself. But they are essential in creating a supportive and loving relationship. Most of the time people just want someone that listens to them without judging them and who will accept them the way they are.

I have also learned that the way I react to an issue says more about me than it does about my spouse. Understanding why certain things set me off allows me to short circuit a negative reaction. It takes a lot of reflection and self-discovery but ultimately it is worth it.

[Jack Flak]

You can understand someone's point of view, but you don't have to agree with it. Validation and empathy don't require you to give up anything of yourself. But they are essential in creating a supportive and loving relationship. Most of the time people just want someone that listens to them without judging them and who will accept them the way they are.
"That's good. You've taken your first step into a larger world." --Ben Kenobi

[01011010]

Be able to admit when your wrong
Take responsibility for your actions
Ask questions
Process
Talk