Please help! ESFJ Mother

[raindancing]

I'm not even sure how to say this...

I'm hoping someone here can give me some advice on my mother.
I am married and live in a different country from my family, but I still have 2 brothers and a sister living at home (they are my main concern).
The family environment is not healthy and hasn't been for as long as I can remember, because of my unhealthy ESFJ mother. She is emotionally abusive to everyone, takes no responsibility for her actions... everyone pretends nothing is wrong and it's all a happy family. :huh:

I only come and visit once a year (staying in their house for a month) and while I'm there, inevitablely she flips out multiple times, acting completely insane screaming abuse, wildly crying, saying how everyone hates her...
Anyway, when this happens, it is never aimed at me (she only does it to people she feels that she can control).
I feel like it isn't my place to confront her, it seems like my dad should be the one to do that (but he doesn't...), and I don't actually live there anymore.

That is the background.

Right now, I am specifically worried about my sister. She is 14 and has a quite serious boyfriend. My mom has had a strange attitude whenever any of her daughters started dating (me and my other sister), and it seems to be getting even worse with the youngest. I don't even know how to describe it... it's like she thinks she's reading a romance novel? She wants to know all the details, will let her do anything if it's with her boyfriend, is constantly reminding her to call him, will lie to my dad about things if she thinks he won't approve... it goes on and on. Anyway all of this was bad enough, but the other day I was talking to my brother and he told me that my mom sent a text message to my sister's boyfriend and told him "to have have sex with her, to seduce her." :wtf:

So I guess what I'm asking is first, does anyone have any insight into why she would do this?!
It seems like she has no regard for her daughter and only thinks it would be more fun/exciting to hear about their relationship if they had sex... As disturbing as her previous actions have been, I find this, I don't even know the word to use... sickening I guess. :(

I would also like your opinion on if I should do something.
Should I tell my dad? (I don't know what he would do, but it would seriously hurt him... He's an ISFJ, very religious. Part of me thinks he needs to be pushed so far that he will confront her. That's the only way I can see her actually getting help. I could also see something like this killing any love he has left for her. But is that a reason not to tell him? Does he deserve to know? It is his marriage... )
Should I confront her? (I just don't know if my confronting her would do any good, or if it would just make life more miserable for everyone who lives with her. Also if I did confront her I would most likely not have the blessing of my dad, he trys his hardest to keep her calm.)
Should I just talk to my sister and try to help her stay sane?
I just want to take her away with me... it's always horrible when I leave after the month of visiting each year, leaving her once again in that environment. :(

I feel so helpless.

[evan]

I'd say talk to your younger siblings about her behavior, letting them know that it is not normal or acceptable. (They may have no sense of what appropriate mothering is...)

Also, I'd say definitely tell your father. He has a right to know what's happening to his own children. He may be their only way out. If it ruins his relationship with your mother, maybe that's even a good thing in the long term. Your mother seems incredibly destructive, and it's about time your dad had his eyes opened to it.

This really shouldn't be your responsibility (it is now, unfortunately); get as much help as you can (especially if your dad can do something). Try to get everyone into therapy (I know that doesn't usually go over well, but try to convince them to forget the social stigma.) There is some serious damage being done here, and I think every potential option should be considered.

Don't worry about your dad's short term comfort so much. I'm sure he at least subconsciously understands the situation. It's easy to stay in denial; sometimes it takes a real conversation to jolt someone out of it.

I'd also say, it's probably pretty pointless to confront your mom directly at this point. Get some other people on your team first -- hopefully they can even do it for you.