In laws

[helen]

Why is it that people so univerally dislike/have issues with their inlaws or potential inlaws?

Perhaps it is not universal, but it is common enough to be a cliche and I am wondering what is behind it.

What do you think the reason is? And what are some ways to work around it to help the relationships function as ideally as possible? All stories and observations welcome.

[hiddengem]

My husband and I had pre-marriage counseling (a requirement by the minister) and our minister told us that he recommends you live at least one days drive from your in-laws. After 15 years of marriage, I wish we had taken his advice sooner.

My in-laws lived a three hour drive away so the times we saw them were very few but they were/are mostly pleasant experiences. Knowing our time with them was limited, we could put up with almost anything. I have a generally good relationship with them.

My mother lived about 5 minutes away and we saw her weekly, if not more often. She annoys my husband to no end and he doesn't think very highly of her. My dad lived about an hour away and my husband has a good relationship with him.

I often wonder if the reason that I like my in-laws is that I've never had to be around them for long periods of time or have to wonder if they are just going to show up unannounced.

We now live about 7 hours from everyone. That has helped. It has also allowed me to see how much I put up with from my mother that wasn't helpful to my marriage. I guess you need the distance to see the damage.

I think it is very hard to be an adult when your parents are around. It has been my observation that when their mom is in the room, people tend to revert back to the role of being the child - even if their own spouse and children are there and not matter what age you are. I noticed this with my husband when we would visit his parents over the years, and I noticed it with my mother-in-law when her parents were still alive. I am sure that I also do with this as well (at least with my dad).

Your parents are authority figures in your life. It is very hard to break away from that. I think it really becomes noticable when you bring a spouse or potential spouse into the picture. Before that you can ignore the subtle power play between parent and adult child.

[runvardh]

Heh, I'm not married yet and I'm already sure my parents won't be good in-laws. Thankfully one is 17 highway hours away and the other is about that many hours of flight away.

[Economica]

Why is it that people so univerally dislike/have issues with their inlaws or potential inlaws?

My take:

As I see it, a problem with one's in-laws is actually a problem with one's SO:

Many people condone behavior from their parents that they would ordinarily consider disrespectful or even abusive; for whatever reason (such as dependence or fear of confrontation), they do not hold their parents to the same standards to which they hold the other people in their life. This contrast between their standards and the treatment they accept from their parents gives them cognitive dissonance and so they rationalize their parents' actions ("he's only joking", "she means well"). Irrespective of whether the parents' misbehavior directly affects only their child, only the child's SO, or both, this cowardly rationalization on the part of their SO is the core of the problem for a son- or daughter-in-law who is less inclined to turn a blind eye.

My advice is to gently broach the subject with your husband and see if you can get him to acknowledge that his father is rude to you. Maybe he just needs to put himself in your shoes. Once you see eye to eye on this, then the two of you together can work out the best way to discipline your father-in-law and present a united front as you do it.

If, however, your husband is dismissive, then you need to consider how important this is to you, because then he probably needs therapy in order to become able to deal with his father, and you will have to motivate him to get it. ("I know you don't think this is a problem, but I do and I'm not letting it go. Let's talk to a therapist in order to get some outside perspective.") Ask yourself how not dealing with this will affect your relationship happiness. If you feel/foresee that your respect and affection for your husband will be taxed every time you see his parents, then push for therapy; otherwise, suck it up or try to deal with your FIL on your own without the support of your husband.

[Enyo]

I love my in-laws. They live ten minutes away, and we see them for Sunday dinners. They've always been very good to me, like I'm the daughter that they always wanted.

My husband, however, did not like nor care for my parents, and he'd never met them in person before they passed. I would have done things for my dad that were not necessarily in my own best interests, simply because I grew up in at atmosphere of "Daddy takes first priority." Both of my sisters were the same way. My mother was not above using guilt and emotional blackmail to see that we kept it that way. He and my mother had an argument once regarding a decision for my son, and my mother asked my husband if he was trying to kill my father.

He never forgave her for that.

[Tallulah]

I've noticed that mothers of boys in particular tend to never really accept that someone else has equal importance in their sons' lives. The same mothers can usually accept their daughters marrying, for some reason, but they tend to be very critical of their daughters-in-law. I've seen this play out over and over in my sister's life and in my married friends' lives. (I'm not married.) A lot of mothers-in-law start out either consciously or subconsciously seeing the new woman as competition, rather than an additional daughter. Most daughters-in-law that I know start out their marriage excited about the prospect of joining a new family and being close to their mothers-in-law, but quickly have to adjust when they see that that's not how they're treated. If the MILs realized this, they'd have a much better chance of seeing their sons and grandchildren much more frequently. :yes:

Of course, it's not universal, but I've just seen too many mothers of sons baby them and think that they can do no wrong, so it's the daughter-in-law that gets the blame when the son does anything wrong. She must have corrupted or manipulated him. :devil: My sister has had a terrible time with her own manipulative MIL, and the ironic thing is, the MIL tells horror stories about her own MIL, and doesn't see that she's doing the same thing. I told my sister she needs to write all this down in a journal somewhere, so she'll remember it when it comes time for her own son to get married--she doesn't want to be the MIL that thinks no one's good enough for her baby.

My own mother has made a point of trying to stay out of my sister's married life, and to treat my BIL like a son. They seem to have a good relationship.

[runvardh]

Heh, mom as important as wife? I guess for some guys, for me the wife is more important and my mother will have to accept it if she wants to have any involvement with me once I'm married.

[Little Linguist]

Why is it that people so univerally dislike/have issues with their inlaws or potential inlaws?

Perhaps it is not universal, but it is common enough to be a cliche and I am wondering what is behind it.

What do you think the reason is? And what are some ways to work around it to help the relationships function as ideally as possible? All stories and observations welcome.

I have no idea. Personally, I love my in-laws; they are real parents to me. I even call them Mom and Dad. See, I have no mom or dad, so it is lovely to have people who care about, love, and respect you who can fill that role. I couldn't think of lovelier people. Okay, sure, sometimes they royally piss me off, for example, when they are too closed-minded. But I love them to death.

[alcea rosea]

Why is it that people so univerally dislike/have issues with their inlaws or potential inlaws?

Perhaps it is not universal, but it is common enough to be a cliche and I am wondering what is behind it.

What do you think the reason is? And what are some ways to work around it to help the relationships function as ideally as possible? All stories and observations welcome.

I do get along with my mother in law but I don't really like her. I do like my father in law a lot. He is a really nice person.