Weddings and hurt feelings

[Ivy]

My sister was married in May. Her husband is from India and he brought his mother, father, sister, brother-in-law, and nephew over for the wedding. Because there were only the five of them, my sister and her husband decided to have the wedding at a cabin in the mountains with only immediate family and one friend who was the photographer, then have a huge reception the following weekend. All of the wedding etiquette sites and such say this is just fine--you're not supposed to invite people to the ceremony but not the reception, but it's fine to invite people to the reception but not the ceremony.

99% of everyone understood this, especially in light of the international angle. Our family's pretty big, and they didn't want the ceremony to be like "Groom: five people. Bride: a hundred and fifty people." But my father's sister-in-law (his brother, my uncle, died when I was a kid) and her daughter, my cousin, got pissed off evidently. We only ever see them at Thanksgiving and Christmas--otherwise, they have little use for us, it seems. They didn't show up to the reception, and we didn't assume they were ticked, we just figured they didn't mark it a high priority.

But my mom was in tears last week because the SIL had pretty much unloaded on her. I think there must be history between them that I don't know about, but IMO you've really got to try to get angry about something like this. What do y'all think?

[heart]

I think weddings and funerals bring out the worst in everyone and :hug: to you for having to deal with this.

Yes, likely there's history of resentments coming out there.

[Uytuun]

I agree with heart.

Family is tricky business. They always feel entitled. GL dealing with it. :)

[Ivy]

I think weddings and funerals bring out the worst in everyone and :hug: to you for having to deal with this.

Yes, likely there's history of resentments coming out there.

Thanks. :hug: It's frustrating. And I'm sure there is history. Honestly, my parents ARE kind of weird and kooky, so it's likely that the SIL has some justifiable beefs with them from over the years, especially considering she's very mainstream and traditional. But this was my sister's party, not my parents'. She and her husband paid for it and planned it, and she hasn't done anything to them that I know of. I seriously doubt she has done anything I don't know of, either. We've both tried to get together with our cousin between holidays and gotten no response. It's just sad and I'm a little heartsick over it because I want everybody to get along.

[Firelie]

Some people thrive on drama, too.

[heart]

We've both tried to get together with our cousin between holidays and gotten no response. It's just sad and I'm a little heartsick over it because I want everybody to get along.

That's awful that they are holding it against you, no matter what went on between the SIL and your parents, why hold it against you? :hug:

[Ivy]

Some people thrive on drama, too.

This rings true.

[Jennifer]

...It's just sad and I'm a little heartsick over it because I want everybody to get along.

Oh, it is sad, and I'm sorry. :hug:

Reading about the situation, no, there was no breach of etiquette here. as far as I can tell, your sister did everything fine. It is their problem, not yours... although it is sad they have made a happy occasion into a sad one and that their problem is impacting everyone else. The wedding wasn't about them, it was about your sister and for her and her husband.

But yes, there are lots of people who get upset, especially where there is baggage. Even my father and his brothers go through long long phases of not talking to each other, because one says something the other doesn't like. When people are immature emotionally, they do hurtful senseless things like that. They seem to think everything is about them. :(

[Edahn]

I think people get confused all the time about social customs because they ascribe different meanings. The SIL thinks it's a sign of disrespect not to be invited to the ceremony, and probably thinks this symbolizes that she's not on the in-group of the family. Maybe she thinks that if your uncle was alive, she would have been invited. She probably feels neglected, but is covering it up with anger and resentment. On the other hand, your sis with in a certain predicament and didn't intend to snub anyone or exclude anyone. One person thinks it signifies disrespect, the other doesn't.

Solution: have your sis call the SIL, not to apologize for not inviting her, but to explain the situation and to reassure her that this doesn't indicate or signify her exclusion from the family, how much she is valued/appreciated, and how much she is loved. She could also say something like "if the situation was a bit more allowing, we would have loved to have you because you're great at _______ (talking to boring old people or some other joke to ice things over) ________."

[Ivy]

Edahn, you're onto something I think. One of the things she said to my mom on the phone was something like "we're still family." (Incidentally they wouldn't have been invited even if my uncle were still alive; my mom's siblings weren't invited to the ceremony either. It was only parents and siblings, plus siblings' families.)

But I doubt my sister will be willing to call her as she tends to avoid confrontation.

[Tallulah]

Edahn, you're onto something I think. One of the things she said to my mom on the phone was something like "we're still family." (Incidentally they wouldn't have been invited even if my uncle were still alive; my mom's siblings weren't invited to the ceremony either. It was only parents and siblings, plus siblings' families.)



Yeah, it sounds kind of like she was waiting to get her feelings hurt, too. Sometimes people just get in a self-pitying mode, and even though they know better, they kind of want to be the victim, and for people to reassure them of their importance. You know the reason why she wasn't invited, and if your mom has explained it to her, that's all you can do. You can't really make her not be offended if she's decided to be.

[Ivy]

I don't know this for sure but I have a hunch that her objections come at least in part from a misapprehension of the etiquette. When I first heard that this was what my sister and BIL planned to do, I was a little nervous because I thought it was a faux-pas, but we looked it up and it turns out not to be the case. It probably wouldn't have hurt to call her when she mailed the invitation (she didn't call anybody else, but we tend to see the rest of the family more regularly and they knew the circumstances) but who thinks to do that when they're overwhelmed with planning a wedding PLUS hosting five guests, two of whom speak very limited English, for two months?

[Edahn]

Edahn, you're onto something I think. One of the things she said to my mom on the phone was something like "we're still family." (Incidentally they wouldn't have been invited even if my uncle were still alive; my mom's siblings weren't invited to the ceremony either. It was only parents and siblings, plus siblings' families.)

But I doubt my sister will be willing to call her as she tends to avoid confrontation.

Email? I know some people frown upon using it as a means of serious communication, but I think it's fine. All she needs to do is speak from the heart. Sounds cliche, but it's true and will clean up a lot of confusion. You can also think of it this way: if she makes her intentions clear and there's still a bad residue, she'll know it's not related to the wedding invitation but something either deeper or ancillary. It's like an experiment that eliminates other variables.

[Mo_(operalover)]

Aww, looks like she felt hurt. Get your sister to contact her, like Edahn mentioned, and hopefully, she'll soon make her peace with it.

I'd love to have the same thing but, in my culture, my family would be all but disowned by the extended family should we have a similar setup so I'm not in a position to address it from the etiquette viewpoint. Perhaps, she's similarly unaware of that little piece of [enter country name] wedding etiquette and, if your sister emphasised that it was only immediate family and even your mum's siblings were also not there, then your aunt might come around sooner.

Good luck. :)

[kyuuei]

My sister's wedding has been a long, fussy process. They had to push the date back once because I was in Iraq and wouldn't make it otherwise, and a second time because a Hurricane hit the area just recently (Ike) making it push back two months to let the area regulate out again.

I agree entirely that weddings can bring out the worst in people. I'm pissed about it because I'm the most financially stable of our entire families on both sides, so I'm expected to contribute the most.. but in my opinion, if everyone gives a little, no one will need to give a lot. No one is willing to give a little.

The mother in law is cheap about everything. She's in charge of flowers (they already told my sister they weren't going to buy her any real flowers.. which she agreed reluctantly upon since she wanted her walkdowntheaisle bouquet real.) and drinks for the guests. So she buys 1 keg (we're expecting 300 people there..), byob liquor (which is fine for me, i get what I want), and the hall sells regular drinks $1 a drink (sodas, water, etc.) so the MIL puts down $100 dollars for drinks... That's enough for 1/3rd of the party to have 1 drink. Wtf. Did I also mention she's crazy and often speaks of wanting to drive her car off of bridges on her way home?

My parents are procrastinators. Procrastination + weddings = FTL.


Half of BOTH of our families declined to go to the ceremony/reception, some with genuine excuses, but for example we have an Aunt and Uncle that live 2 hours away that declined simply because they didn't want to drive that far. ....

I'm ranting again! Anyways, my point is I'm sure they feel upset that they weren't invited, but that's a bit selfish of a way to feel. It's not THEIR wedding, and they need to be more understanding and accepting of the way SOMEONE ELSE'S wedding wants to be ran. They can take it as it is or leave it entirely.. I suppose they chose to leave it, in which case adds to the immaturity of their thought process on the whole situation. In the end, it wasn't their choice in the first place, so they needn't be upset with the outcome. Weddings = not compromises for family members. It's a ceremony of love between two people. They don't like it? Stay out of the way.

[MacGuffin]

Okay, let's see if anyone can help me before it is too late.

My brother is getting married next year. My future sister-in-law doesn't have a large family or friends. Her family wants to limit the size of the wedding/reception and placed a max number. Not too bad so far.

Except my mother's family is very large, and many of them will expect an invite, at least to the reception. Many won't show, but some will send gifts. Already my brother cannot invite his friends, all the slots are filled by family. My parents offered to help pay for the extra people, my f-s-i-l's family refused. We assume it is because they are afraid they will lose control - they've planned the whole thing by themselves.

My brother and f-s-i-l won't be burdened by the hurt feelings, my mom will have to deal with it.

What to do?

[Tallulah]

Okay, let's see if anyone can help me before it is too late.

My brother is getting married next year. My future sister-in-law doesn't have a large family or friends. Her family wants to limit the size of the wedding/reception and placed a max number. Not too bad so far.

Except my mother's family is very large, and many of them will expect an invite, at least to the reception. Many won't show, but some will send gifts. Already my brother cannot invite his friends, all the slots are filled by family. My parents offered to help pay for the extra people, my f-s-i-l's family refused. We assume it is because they are afraid they will lose control - they've planned the whole thing by themselves.

My brother and f-s-i-l won't be burdened by the hurt feelings, my mom will have to deal with it.

What to do?


Well, honestly, if I were the SIL, I wouldn't want my in-laws adding a whole slew of people, making it into a much larger wedding than I feel comfortable with. Especially if it's not my actual future spouse that wants the extra people there. And your brother should get to invite some of his friends, rather than having all the slots taken up by extended family. I mean, it's his wedding, too.

The reception is a different matter, though, and if your family is prepared to pay for the extra at the reception and stay hands-off in the planning, I don't see what the problem is. It's just that generally, people tend to think once they put in money, they get to have artistic control. :D Maybe if y'all emphasized it would be for the reception, and that there were no strings attached?

I think your mom ultimately needs to realize that it's not her wedding, though, and if she catches flak, she can tell the family that she's sorry, but it's not her wedding, so she can't control the size of the guest list. Ultimately, it's the bride's big day, and she's probably feeling enough pressure already.

[MacGuffin]

Well, honestly, if I were the SIL, I wouldn't want my in-laws adding a whole slew of people, making it into a much larger wedding than I feel comfortable with. Especially if it's not my actual future spouse that wants the extra people there. And your brother should get to invite some of his friends, rather than having all the slots taken up by extended family. I mean, it's his wedding, too.

The reception is a different matter, though, and if your family is prepared to pay for the extra at the reception and stay hands-off in the planning, I don't see what the problem is. It's just that generally, people tend to think once they put in money, they get to have artistic control. :D Maybe if y'all emphasized it would be for the reception, and that there were no strings attached?

I think your mom ultimately needs to realize that it's not her wedding, though, and if she catches flak, she can tell the family that she's sorry, but it's not her wedding, so she can't control the size of the guest list. Ultimately, it's the bride's big day, and she's probably feeling enough pressure already.
Yeah, it's mostly focusing on the reception (though the church is a huge Catholic one, I don't know why they don't want to fill it up).

[Tallulah]

Yeah, it's mostly focusing on the reception (though the church is a huge Catholic one, I don't know why they don't want to fill it up).

Yeah, I don't know your FSIL, but a lot of women have VERY definite ideas about what they want their weddings to be like. She might just like the idea of having a small group of close friends and family around her. Is she an introvert? I think being the center of attention and having to talk to a bazillion well-wishers all day long would kind of make me want to elope.

[EffEmDoubleyou]

Yeah, it's mostly focusing on the reception (though the church is a huge Catholic one, I don't know why they don't want to fill it up).

Well, it's a breach of etiquette to invite someone to the church but not the reception, so that's probably why they're not filling up the church. This is a really sticky situation...it always is at weddings when the parents think it's their wedding. My suggestion would be that your brother and FSIL assert themselves, because less decision making in the hands of the two sets of parents means less acrimony between them. It's much harder to complain about wedding decisions when the actual couple is making them instead of the other set of parents. I'm also assuming that your FSIL will be more accommodating to your brother's feelings than her parents seem to be, but that might not be the case.

Maybe your brother should tell your parents that he would like to respect his fiance's family re the guest list and would rather invite his friends than distant relations who have been less a part of his life. And maybe FSIL should prevail on her parents to be more accommodating on the guest list. It's not your brother's fault he has a larger family. After all, an aunt = an aunt, an uncle = an uncle. His aren't less important just because there are more of them.

I hope it works out. It's sad when what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life drowns in politics.

[MacGuffin]

Yeah, I don't know your FSIL, but a lot of women have VERY definite ideas about what they want their weddings to be like. She might just like the idea of having a small group of close friends and family around her. Is she an introvert? I think being the center of attention and having to talk to a bazillion well-wishers all day long would kind of make me want to elope.
She's actually a pretty heavy Extravert, and one that is quite keen on having everyone like her, so this is kind of head-scratching.

Well, it's a breach of etiquette to invite someone to the church but not the reception, so that's probably why they're not filling up the church. This is a really sticky situation...it always is at weddings when the parents think it's their wedding. My suggestion would be that your brother and FSIL assert themselves, because less decision making in the hands of the two sets of parents means less acrimony between them. It's much harder to complain about wedding decisions when the actual couple is making them instead of the other set of parents. I'm also assuming that your FSIL will be more accommodating to your brother's feelings than her parents seem to be, but that might not be the case.

Maybe your brother should tell your parents that he would like to respect his fiance's family re the guest list and would rather invite his friends than distant relations who have been less a part of his life. And maybe FSIL should prevail on her parents to be more accommodating on the guest list. It's not your brother's fault he has a larger family. After all, an aunt = an aunt, an uncle = an uncle. His aren't less important just because there are more of them.

I hope it works out. It's sad when what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life drowns in politics.

Right, my mother just wants people to be able to attend the reception and offered to pay for it.

The guest list isn't filled with distant relatives, they aren't getting an invite at all.

Weddings are stupid.

[Tallulah]

Hmm, that is a headscratcher, then.

Yeah, weddings are really stupid.

So, are we talking your mother's brothers and sisters and their kids, then?

[MacGuffin]

So, are we talking your mother's brothers and sisters and their kids, then?

Most of those are getting an invite, as far as I can tell. Probably not all our cousins (they have kids now too). They're the ones bumping my brother's friends. But the family extends far, and those people expect an invite as well. Damn family, they all live in the same state!

People wonder why I moved 1000 miles away...

[Tallulah]

Most of those are getting an invite, as far as I can tell. Probably not all our cousins (they have kids now too). They're the ones bumping my brother's friends. But the family extends far, and those people expect an invite as well. Damn family, they all live in the same state!

People wonder why I moved 1000 miles away...

Yeah, I see your dilemma. I think your bro's friends definitely need to be invited regardless. If they invited mom's sibs, and the first round of cousins, but not the cousins' children, would things work out okay?

[MacGuffin]

Yeah, I see your dilemma. I think your bro's friends definitely need to be invited regardless. If they invited mom's sibs, and the first round of cousins, but not the cousins' children, would things work out okay?

No. :dry:

Families are stupid too.

[kyuuei]

My brother and f-s-i-l won't be burdened by the hurt feelings, my mom will have to deal with it.

What to do?

When it comes to weddings, you just have to sit back and sigh. Mainly, it is about the bridge and groom. Whatever they, as a couple decide on, is what is going to happen.

People can be VERY selfish when it comes to weddings in their families. "why wasn't I invited?! Why can't I go to the ceremony?! I need my insulin! Why do I have to wear this color?!" Everyone seems to be incapable of sitting back, shutting up, and dealing with the fact that things are the way they are for a reason.

If she wants a small wedding and small reception, and he agrees, than that'll happen no matter what anyone complains about because its not THEIR wedding. When/if they have their own (of if they already have psh) they can invite every hobo on the street for all I care.

If anyone gets their feelings hurt about a situation's decision that they can't control and have no say over, than they're being selfish about it and they'll settle down and get over it or never talk to ya'll again. In which case, it might be for the better.

Most of those are getting an invite, as far as I can tell. Probably not all our cousins (they have kids now too). They're the ones bumping my brother's friends. But the family extends far, and those people expect an invite as well. Damn family, they all live in the same state!

People wonder why I moved 1000 miles away...

>.o I cant wait to be out in another country again for similar reasons.

[Tallulah]

No. :dry:

Families are stupid too.

Families are stupid. It's true. Why can't people just get over themselves?

I agree with kyuuei--ultimately, they just need to do what seems right to them. If I were your mom, I'd just grit my teeth and give a stock answer of, "Of course I wanted all of you to come. But they'd already decided on a very small wedding. I'm very sorry." If people can't understand that, it's their problem.

[Jae Rae]

Okay, let's see if anyone can help me before it is too late.

My brother is getting married next year. My future sister-in-law doesn't have a large family or friends. Her family wants to limit the size of the wedding/reception and placed a max number. Not too bad so far.

Except my mother's family is very large, and many of them will expect an invite, at least to the reception. Many won't show, but some will send gifts. Already my brother cannot invite his friends, all the slots are filled by family. My parents offered to help pay for the extra people, my f-s-i-l's family refused. We assume it is because they are afraid they will lose control - they've planned the whole thing by themselves.

My brother and f-s-i-l won't be burdened by the hurt feelings, my mom will have to deal with it.

What to do?

I haven't read to the end, so forgive me if this has already been suggested. Your family can honor the bride and groom with their own party/reception.

When I got married, I had a small reception and even smaller wedding. My in-laws wanted to invite lots of relatives and their friends, so they had a huge banquet for us a couple of months later. They did everything for that, all we did was show up. I wore a traditional silk dress (rented) for the occasion. It was fun.

Fast forward a couple of months - we went to Florida and my family had a luncheon for their friends and relatives at their house in our honor.

The idea is that whoever is paying generally calls the shots, and that's usually the bride's family. So if your parents want more friends to attend, they can have their own party. You said many relatives won't show anyway, so perhaps as long as they're included there may not be hard feelings. Tell them your brother threatened to elope if there was a big fight about the wedding and this is the compromise.

BTW, there is a way around this - your brother and FSIL can pay for the wedding themselves and then they'll be in charge.

[MacGuffin]

How about I just show up and punch everyone in the face?




{note: this post may or may not be inspired by alcohol}

[Tallulah]

How about I just show up and punch everyone in the face?




{note: this post may or may not be inspired by alcohol}

DINGDINGDING!!! We have a winner!

[MacGuffin]

DINGDINGDING!!! We have a winner!

Why aren't you married? :devil:

[EffEmDoubleyou]

How about I just show up and punch everyone in the face?

{note: this post may or may not be inspired by alcohol}

I vote for this. Just make sure someone is videotaping it. Also, be holding a bottle of cheap liquor.

[Tallulah]

Why aren't you married? :devil:

I almost was, once. Then I showed up at my own wedding and started punching people in the face. Typical rookie mistake. I'll know not to do it next time. You should be fine, though, since you're not the groom.

[MacGuffin]

I almost was, once. Then I showed up at my own wedding and started punching people in the face. Typical rookie mistake. I'll know not to do it next time. You should be fine, though, since you're not the groom.

Unlikely, I'd marry that girl!

[EffEmDoubleyou]

I almost was, once. Then I showed up at my own wedding and started punching people in the face. Typical rookie mistake. I'll know not to do it next time. You should be fine, though, since you're not the groom.

You should just move to a country where punching people in the face is the traditional greeting at a wedding.

[Ivy]

That should be this country. Why isn't it? We could make that happen, all of us, together.

[Tallulah]

That should be this country. Why isn't it? We could make that happen, all of us, together.

*wipes tear from eye* Do you think it's possible? In our lifetimes?

[EffEmDoubleyou]

YES WE CAN