This pattern keeps happening.

[ThatGirl]

This is a cummalitive self analysis inspired by various posts on the forum. What I am looking for here is a little more specific.

ENTP muse and the Human leeches



I have noticed the same patterns happening over and over and I can't figure out a decent solution to avoid it. I seem to attract friends, relationships in general, where the other person is at some turning point in their life that needs assessing. I don't seek these people out for some reason we just always end up together. I am good at analyzing the missing link that gets people running effiecently again and I love fixing things. I can go for months being in the same vicinity of someone who will say things like "oh don't tell her that she will let it go to her head," or "just ignore her shell get bored and go away" until one day these people seek me out. Not for a purpose. We just become friends. Shortly after this happens some drastic moment will happen in their lives and they look to me for an objective solution. For an analysis of themselves. I'm talking major life overhaul. I get intrigured with the problems and fixing them, but once its done its done. They usually start becoming really needy or leaning on me too much, or I am no longer interested in the minute problems they are on a role trying to fix now. Either way I tend to start getting suffocated and want to shake them off me, the message "don't lean on me". this doesn't mean I don't want to still be friends it means I don't want to be profound, or I want to focuse on something else. These people usually just go away after that.

I feel like I get used for my solution, although I think it is unconsious on the part of the other. If I am not contributing to their life in a profound level, no one really wants to claim the girl sitting in the circle showing people how if you place skittles in such a pattern in such a way in your nose, you can blow out the rainbow. (Didn't say I was proud)

This happens with men too I seem to choose men who need solving when at the same time I don't respect that they can't solve their own problems. Men who don't need fixing, I don't feel like I have anything to offer them, or that they can't see my strengths and how valuable I can be. I'm just that weird girl.

So my solution when I get fed up is to kick everyone to the curb, but I get restless when I am not interacting and I love solving riddles.

This is a masochistic cycle for me.

I keep thinking that there can be some slight adjustment that will break the cycle without squishing my natural curiosity that compells me to focus on others problems. The worst part is I don't care if they fix their lives or not I just like to come up with the solutions.

I focus on my own stuff too I just get restless without constant new stuff to play with. And I don't want to become a hermit.

? Any suggestions of how to improve longevity of relashionships with others?

[563 740]

What do you do for a living? Are you not getting your "fix-it" fix at work and having to express it in your personal life instead?

[ThatGirl]

I am just generally intrigued by people, humanity. I look at the way people see the way they think. Cause and effect reaction. I think I am testing my knowledge of people through people. Breaking them down like systems and finding where the off point lies. I have no problem then pointing this out to someone since I studied them along with a summary of cause and effect solutions.

Don't get me wrong though it is never my intention to counsel. If the problems become too emotional I bail.

[Mighty Mouse]

I don't know if you do this or not since I don't know you but I have heard similiar experiences be described by my clients.

What I have found in their case is a trend of codependency.

In other words they set it up so their help is actually only offered in order to be needed.

This is not the healthy way to help though.

A better way is to teach people how to help themselves. How to be independent and think for themselves. The old adage 'if you give someone a fish they eat for a day but if you teach them to fish they eat for a lifetime' seems to fit these type of circumstances.

[ThatGirl]

Nope figured it out. It is an N S paradox.

I think the people I was putting as N were S. I think Ns are more rare than I thought in my area.


So what are superficial diffinitive differences in NFs and Ss

[Udog]

I feel like I get used for my solution, although I think it is unconsious on the part of the other. If I am not contributing to their life in a profound level, no one really wants to claim the girl sitting in the circle showing people how if you place skittles in such a pattern in such a way in your nose, you can blow out the rainbow. (Didn't say I was proud)

If you build a relationship as being the girl that offers useful insight and advice, then you lose your value when you no longer offer insight and advice.

Make the 'offering insight and advice' an aspect of the friendship, but don't let it become just about that.

if you place skittles in such a pattern in such a way in your nose, you can blow out the rainbow. (Didn't say I was proud)

OOoo... a rainblow!

[Thursday]

you want longevity without becoming a hermit

solution - evaluate your relationship with a person(s) and its potential/what it is about

are you best friends
do you just hang out
is it just a booty call,boyfriend, etc

with that done, find out what your relationship means to them by asking them, if possible
if your two ideas correlate-proceed with ease
if not, adjust

and if you agree and everything is hunky dory, fear not
but when the relationship starts drifting into unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory,
reevaluate it.
talk about it with the person

and most of all - don't tolerate bullshit - be straightforward

[runvardh]

I don't need fixing, but someone to head out and get in trouble with is worth quite a bit to me. 7 times out of 10 this trouble can involve trying to figure out how it can be done, then doing it the way that's most fun or different.

[Bella]

I say, go for the hermit option.

[disregard]

evaluate your relationship with a person(s) and its potential/what it is about

are you best friends
do you just hang out
is it just a booty call,boyfriend, etc

with that done, find out what your relationship means to them by asking them, if possible
if your two ideas correlate-proceed with ease
if not, adjust

and if you agree and everything is hunky dory, fear not
but when the relationship starts drifting into unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory,
reevaluate it.
talk about it with the person

and most of all - don't tolerate bullshit - be straightforward

This is excellent advice.. Just in general.

[ptgatsby]

Nope figured it out. It is an N S paradox.

I think the people I was putting as N were S. I think Ns are more rare than I thought in my area.


So what are superficial diffinitive differences in NFs and Ss

A repetitive pattern is not caused by misunderstanding. It is caused by more deep set behaviors- and since you are unaware of them, it means they are deep enough.

It is probable that the cause can be linked back to a way of distancing your emotions from someone else. Given that you tend to want to find and explore other people's inadequacies, chances are it is an insecurity.

If you want to increase the longevity of your relationships, you need to look at why you invite them in, then push them away.

[ThatGirl]

All very good advice.

A couple of things though,

a) nine times out of ten I do not seek these people out.

I don't know if they start to distance themselves from other people or what but suddenly they want to talk to me.

b) Something profound happens in there life

Its gotten to the point that when I meet someone I say, "This is going to be a very excieting time for you." This could be the preface to A in that these people may be under stress or see the preasures comming.

c) I am always open to possibilities

Though I can quickly asses the way that everything will play out, I remain objective to the fact that something may be different

d) I can talk to my intj friend

I just realized that I talk to my nt friend for hours and we will even talk about very deep personal things, but it is always in analytical review mode. When talking to nt it is all concepts, theories, analagies, impersonal. When talking to an S it is this is what is going on, this is a problem.

5) I'm good at it

I can easilly assess the situation from all points of view and give objective analysis. I do not only analyze inconsistancies but strengths and loyalty as well. What would it take for this to become that.

6) Its just how my brain works

I can meet someone and give nonstop attention until the situation is solved but then I am on to the next thing. Brain never stops going....ever. I am learning through each instance. I don't have to experience everything to get detailed information. I genuinly see people as mythical creatures of mystery. Fascinating.

[ptgatsby]

A couple of things though,

a) nine times out of ten I do not seek these people out.

I don't know if they start to distance themselves from other people or what but suddenly they want to talk to me.


But why? Think about the thousands... millions... of little choices we make each day. There is only you, and only your path - repeated trials indicate that you are skewing the odds very strongly towards one particular thing. It is you, or your influence in it, that is causing a repeated chain of events.


b) Something profound happens in there life

Its gotten to the point that when I meet someone I say, "This is going to be a very excieting time for you." This could be the preface to A in that these people may be under stress or see the preasures comming.


This is also not a normal chain of events. There are a thousand ways in which this could happen, everything from 'naturally selecting' out those that don't need you in this way, all the way to being a catalyst for it.

Things don't 'just happen to me' repeatedly. In some way, you are setting yourself up for it.


c) I am always open to possibilities
d) I can talk to my intj friend
5) I'm good at it


All of which is fine - it isn't really a question of ability, I'm pretty sure that since you enjoy it, you are pretty good at it. But it does tell me that you are very focused on doing exactly this, over and over again. It's now your nature, and I would go as far as to identify that it is your nature to find people who are compatible with giving you want you want.


6) Its just how my brain works

I can meet someone and give nonstop attention until the situation is solved but then I am on to the next thing. Brain never stops going....ever. I am learning through each instance. I don't have to experience everything to get detailed information. I genuinly see people as mythical creatures of mystery. Fascinating.

Heh, you sound just like me a decade ago. I can't say I ever really stopped, I suppose... now that I think about it, I guess I did kind of short cut it through a manual cognitive restructuring kind of thing. Hmmm.

Anyway, it all depends on what you really want. If you find it is distrupting your ability to hold a relationship, then you probably want to address it. If you simply enjoy it, and it doesn't cause any issues, then... does it really matter? Could even be a good thing, if you use it to help people (I never found it did for me, but then, maybe different internal pressures between us!).

Just keep in mind that it is very likely to be a defense mechanism, and if you do embrace it, it probably will be seductive 'feel good' enough to cause problems, even if it isn't now.

[ZiL]

I've fallen into a similar pattern in the past, especially with guys. And I believe in my case it did indeed have to do with insecurities of my own. I was very shy and socially awkward for much of school, and so I would tend to attract people who were more awkward and shy than me. And some of these people were super emotionally-wacked. At first I'd get a real rush out of trying to relate to them, understand them and give them solutions. It made me feel needed/useful/wanted and it used my natural skills too. But in each situation, the emotions would start to get too heavy and I'd realize that I hadn't set myself up well.... I can give the solutions but I can't become an all-out support system, because I wasn't confident and settled with myself enough yet.

Only recently have I begun to consciously avoid this pattern, because I've realized it almost always leads to a clinginess from the other party (and not surprisingly, because in a way I've lead them on) that I don't really want.

That's my personal situation, so I'm not sure how closely you can relate. I just find your pattern familiar - I've done the same thing but in a more exaggerated fashion, and I can attest to the fact that I'm partially to blame for leading these people into my orbit.

I also think there is something to the idea of this being a strategy of...coming within range of people but still maintaining an emotional distance. By picking people who are at highly confused/emotional stages in life, I'm picking people who most certainly will focus on themselves more than me - and so I can explore emotions without having to divulge too much of my own. But after this goes on for a while, I start to wonder why the other people never want to know about me, lol. It's a bit hypocritical and finicky on my part, really.

[cafe]

Definitely have this pattern going. Looking back, I can see I was basically groomed for it by my mother.

Somehow, I was able to find a healthy partner and generally maintain a good relationship with him, but friendships have been more problematic and I'm convinced it's in part because of my insecurities.

I have one stupid thing that has been making me feel bad about myself for most of my adult life and due to a recent experience that was so blatant my daughter brought my unhealthy friendship pattern to my attention, I'm going to try to address the issue again.

If I can't, I guess I'm going to have to try therapy and/or medication. It will be better for my family, a better example for my children, and perhaps I will be happier, too.

[ptgatsby]

If I can't, I guess I'm going to have to try therapy and/or medication. It will be better for my family, a better example for my children, and perhaps I will be happier, too.

Although I can't really say anything for sure, I do think, in general, medication should be reserved for tangible imbalances in our minds. Relating to the OP and similar issues, it normally comes down to identifying what it is, where it comes from... then being able to identify the thought pattern/behavior in the present. After that, 'therapy' involves changing that pattern whenever you identify it.

[cafe]

Although I can't really say anything for sure, I do think, in general, medication should be reserved for tangible imbalances in our minds. Relating to the OP and similar issues, it normally comes down to identifying what it is, where it comes from... then being able to identify the thought pattern/behavior in the present. After that, 'therapy' involves changing that pattern whenever you identify it.
True. It took a cognitive therapist to get me to break the pattern with my mother, which was a huge step in the right direction for me and I have definitely improved by not having multiple parasitic friends attached to me at any given time, I just have trouble setting boundaries with lifelong friends/relatives until they've thoroughly burned me and I door slam them and I haven't made any healthy friendships locally. I'm not sure how. It's stupid, but I have major insecurity and self-esteem issues based on not being better at keeping up with my house and bills and I believe that those problems are, in large part, due to ADD.

So if I'm not able to address those issues which make me feel inferior to 'normal people' on my own, I'm going to have to get some help, either not to base my self worth on the condition of my house and bills or some life coaching/medication to help me be and feel more competent with those things.

I think I'm mostly okay with myself otherwise.