Long Distance Relationships

[AwesomeCakes]

I am currently in one now, and it is rough. Especially since he lives on another continent. We have met, and were planning to do so again this winter, but it looks as though that's not going to happen.

I would like to know your experiences with long distance relationships. The successes and the failures.

[lastrailway]

Distance is a deal-breaker for me.
Sooner or later, one of the two parts will lose interest and, in the rare case that they don't, the relationship would have to be confined in the imaginary sphere. You end up idealising your partner and, since you see them rarely and for a limited time, you both display your best version of yourself and never manage to get a realistic opinion abut each other.

[CaptainChick]

Hmm, I was in an LDR for over a year, it was difficult but I got to see him every 1.5 months, so that made it easier.

Actually, I kinda liked it, I could do my own thing, and also have the security of a relationship sans the smothering of constant contact, also, whenever I did see him, it would be extra fun/special because, well, we didn't get to see each other all the time.

We are currently broken up, (and our breakup had nothing to do with the LD aspect of our relationship), and incidentally he has since moved to Rwanda.

Luckily, things like Skype exist that can aid in the loneliness that ensues when you are geographically separated from the one that you love, but touch, literal, physical touch is important too, and you miss out on that in an LDR, and that sucks.

[CaptainChick]

Sooner or later, one of the two parts will lose interest and, in the rare case that they don't, the relationship would have to be confined in the imaginary sphere. You end up idealising your partner and, since you see them rarely and for a limited time, you both display your best version of yourself and never manage to get a realistic opinion abut each other.
This most definitely is *not* always the case. Especially if you at one point lived in the same city as your SO.

[EffEmDoubleyou]

I was in a LDR when I was away at grad school. We had only started dating a month before I left, and I was gone for a year and a half although we did see each other at holidays and the occasional weekend during that time.

It was very difficult and I am not eager to repeat it, but we did last for three years after I returned from school, so I can't say it killed us.

[Jack Flak]

Only works if the LD part is temporary.

[Geoff]

I would like to know your experiences with long distance relationships. The successes and the failures.

Yep, both are equally possible.

[CzeCze]

When people are into each other they'll do all sorts of things to carry that feeling, including a LD relationship. Some work, some don't. Ideally, the distance is a time specific thing with a definite end in sight so the couple can plan and prepare themselves accordingly.

A connection is a connection so if you feel you're "with someone" (as my INTP friend described as such once) then you're with them. Distance doesn't matter.

However, as far as developing a relationship -- there are inherent obstacles.

It helps if both people are of the same commitment, interest level, and most importantly -- are similarly occupied with other things in their lives. I.E. *having* a life.

If one person is super busy and the other person has a lot of (mental) time on their hands to 'think about the relationship', it makes the dynamics really skewed and leads to discontent. Same thing in relationships that aren't long distance.

So on principle, I say "No" to LD relationships -- so many people and opportunities around you so you can live in the here and now.

I did long distance once and it was a mistake from the beginning -- the relationship, the investment, and especially how long the entire thing lasted. The "connection" we both felt was very real but it should have been put to rest loooooong before. Whole experience put a really bad taste in my mouth for LD relationships.

What Last Railway said is true -- LD relationships can be a perfect bandaid to put relationships on 'honeymoon' mode and prolong relationships that would never survive 1/2 the time were both people in the same city. Not all the time of course. Also the set-up of a LD makes it a convenient compromise for people who don't want the full-on commitment and investment of a trad relationship.

Buuuuut, knowing me if I liked someone enough I'd probably do it though another part of me would be angry at myself for doing it and displeased with the situation.

There are also escape-valve clauses some LD folks put in which basically makes it an open relationship or really "it's okay to have sex with other people" (not relationships, but sex) until the two are back in the same city.

[AwesomeCakes]

Actually, I kinda liked it, I could do my own thing, and also have the security of a relationship sans the smothering of constant contact, also, whenever I did see him, it would be extra fun/special because, well, we didn't get to see each other all the time.

I like this also, but it was already like this while we were together. Had our "alone" time, and just did w/e when we wanted. There was an unspoken communication thing going on.

Luckily things like Skype exists so that can aid in the loneliness that ensues when you are geographically separated from the one that you love, but touch, literal, physical touch is important too, and you miss out on that in an LDR, and that sucks.


Skype...at least. I find myself really longing for closeness, intimacy, and am depressed somewhat because I can not have it.

I suppose I will have to wait it out. It tests my patience at times because maybe he is so introverted with his feelings. Then I am unsure of the "temporary" part. It's all up in the air, and it's frustrating.

*is finished venting*

Please continue :)...

[Lateralus]

AwesomeCakes, I feel bad for you. You're in for a rough ride. I could go into more detail, but I won't here. PM me if you're interested.

[Jeffster]

Heh. I saw "LD" and I thought "learning disabled" as that's most common use I heard for those initials growing up. And I have been in several learning disabled relationships. :alttongue:

[Gen]

They suck. But if the one for you is that far away, what else are you gonna do?

[Jack Flak]

Heh. I saw "LD" and I thought "learning disabled" as that's most common use I heard for those initials growing up. And I have been in several learning disabled relationships. :alttongue:
You know what all those relationships had in common, right? teehee

[spirilis]

I like this also, but it was already like this while we were together. Had our "alone" time, and just did w/e when we wanted. There was an unspoken communication thing going on.




Skype...at least. I find myself really longing for closeness, intimacy, and am depressed somewhat because I can not have it.

I suppose I will have to wait it out. It tests my patience at times because maybe he is so introverted with his feelings. Then I am unsure of the "temporary" part. It's all up in the air, and it's frustrating. It's really testing my patience.

*is finished venting*

Please continue :)...

The distance hurt. A lot. The lack of physical intimacy mainly; skype was the best thing short of being there in person, though. I don't like going too far into it but I will say, I had high hopes for everything, and after we met (11 months in), it was wonderful but the departure afterward did me in. When it dawned on me during the following months that the distance problem wouldn't be resolved for any forseeable time in the future (circumstances dictating, not going into detail here), I gave up. That really was too much for me to handle.

For now, the maximum "distance" I will accept for any relationship is 4 hours worth of driving time. If I had to, I could see her every weekend with 4 hours worth of driving (~200 miles); more than that is testing my limits.

[Firelie]

I've had a few LD relationships and I'm getting really tired of them. I think if the LD was a temporary thing, it'd probably be okay, but I don't seem to have those.

I ended the last one because he was wanting me to move in with him (across the entire country) and hinting at getting married when we hadn't even met yet. Other than that, he just couldn't get it through his head that I was committed to finishing college here and that I didn't want to live so far away from my family.

I've pretty much sworn off the LDRs now and I've been trying to date local guys. I haven't had any luck with that yet, either, but I think it's easier than all the yearning and loneliness that I get with LDRs.

[Jeffster]

You know what all those relationships had in common, right? teehee

Yes! I do! :violin:

[Gen]

OK, yeah, I'm thinking its a bad idea to go looking for a LDR the way we go out and look for someone to date. But if you happen to find someone who shocks and awes you, its worth the heart-ache and the fight. Even if it doesn't ultimately work out.

[Lateralus]

OK, yeah, I'm thinking its a bad idea to go looking for a LDR the way we go out and look for someone to date. But if you happen to find someone who shocks and awes you, its worth the heart-ache and the fight. Even if it doesn't ultimately work out.
Still worth it even if it doesn't ultimately work out? That's easy to say when yours worked out. :alttongue:

[Jack Flak]

Still worth it even if it doesn't ultimately work out? That's easy to say when yours worked out. :alttongue:
Bah. Mine didn't years and years ago, but it was so awesome I'd do it again.

[Lateralus]

Bah. Mine didn't years and years ago, but it was so awesome I'd do it again.
I'm not built to handle them very well. I'm far, far too impatient.

[Enyo]

I am currently in one now, and it is rough. Especially since he lives on another continent. We have met, and were planning to do so again this winter, but it looks as though that's not going to happen.

I would like to know your experiences with long distance relationships. The successes and the failures.

I married my long-distance relationship. He lived in British Columbia, Canada while I lived in central Florida.

Before my husband, though, I had my army boy, and that one didn't work out. *shrugs* If it's meant to be, it's meant to be, I guess.

[Enyo]

I'm not built to handle them very well. I'm far, far too impatient.

And that's what phone sex is for, Lat.

[kyuuei]

I was in a LDR for about 2 years. I truly was in love with him, and he in me, and our break-up did not have to do with distance at all. It did not put a damper in our relationship and astonishingly so since we NEVER got to see each other. ONE time for one week IRL did we meet. Even when we got back home though it didn't suck to be dating online, I agree with CC on that entirely I felt the same way. I don't need to have someone infront of my 24/7 to love them just the same.

I will say this though: if it goes well in a few years you all WILL need to start to plan to be together somehow.. whether it be summers together, or one moves over there, etc. The way I figure it is, if it does go well for that length of time you ought to be making some sort of life-decisions either way as that's what most couples do when they've been dating that long. I wouldn't give the distance too much thought yet, if two people want to be together they will find a way to do so.. and life finds ways of bringing people together.

I say good luck with it! I wish you the best! It was an awesome experience for me, and I was not at all disappointed in it.

[substitute]

Nope. No, no and thrice no. Wouldn't even consider it unless it was really totally like, The One.

Might briefly have been tempted once, but nah, not now.

[Beat]

I can deal with distance if the relationship is worth the obstacle. While I know there's "other fish in the sea." I don't really use that mentality when it comes to people. If I'm lucky enough to fall in love, then I'll do whatever I can to keep that relationship, including suffering through the distance.

[runvardh]

I've lost all care for what distance any girl is. I've had every kind of relationship fuck up on me enough that I'm in for pain either way so I might as well go for someone interesting enough and adjust to everything else.

[V Profane]

I think they're an awful idea, especially if they're initiated from long-distance (from personal experience).

Unless you're a masochist, nip the bud.

[dnivera]

Depends on what you both need. How often do you need to talk to your partner? See each other? If you can't meet each other's expectations, don't do it. I did it for 4 years and it sucked, and I'd only do it again if I were engaged.

[Firelie]

I think they're an awful idea, especially if they're initiated from long-distance (from personal experience).

Unless you're a masochist, nip the bud.

Exactly...Learned that the hard way.

[Tallulah]

I can deal with distance if the relationship is worth the obstacle. While I know there's "other fish in the sea." I don't really use that mentality when it comes to people. If I'm lucky enough to fall in love, then I'll do whatever I can to keep that relationship, including suffering through the distance.

This is how I feel.

[Tropics]

I can deal with distance if the relationship is worth the obstacle. While I know there's "other fish in the sea." I don't really use that mentality when it comes to people. If I'm lucky enough to fall in love, then I'll do whatever I can to keep that relationship, including suffering through the distance.

Ditto. Finding love, the real thing, is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I'm way past a lot of things like distance that used to bother me.

[FDG]

I hate LDR. I will never be in one. Physical proximity is absolutely a must for me. Not because of the "other fish in the sea" reason - that'd be sad - but simply because I believe talking in person is extremely foundational to every relationship.

[EffEmDoubleyou]

I didn't like the experience of a LDR. But you like who you like. If I fell for someone a few states away, I can't say I wouldn't do it again.

[Beat]

While talking in person and physical proximity is important, if you have a healthy relationship that has at least had that at one time, enduring a phase or period without that is something that can even strengthen the relationship.

Its not for everyone though, as this thread suggests with its varied opinions. I just think it takes a certain level of maturity and dedication.

[Trinity]

I'm not eager to get into a long distance relationship again, been there and it's just too messy, that and it hurts. Good luck but no thanks.

[substitute]

Reason I so emphatically say NO is because it just wouldn't be fair on anyone, least of all my theoretical partner. Not unless they were EXTREMELY secure.

I'm a terrible correspondant. I've a very poor grip on the passage of time and can easily let an entire week, fortnight even, go by without answering a message or even checking my phone messages, all the time feeling like I only did it yesterday. I get distracted very easily and find it a real bore/drag/chore when I have to answer messages. Well, no, I don't when they're messages from friends who don't get offended if I don't answer/take a long time, but if it's a romantic partner who is likely to read significance as to our relationship into the time taken or quality of the reply, it adds a kind of pressure to me that means the whole thing's just work, routine.

They'd be calling and saying like 'I've missed you, it's so horrible being apart' and I'd feel obliged to say likewise, but really thinking 'actually I barely thought about you, I missed you a bit at first but I've found other things to occupy myself as I always do, and though when I heard your voice it was welcome and I realized afresh how cool you are and stuff, I haven't thought about it otherwise...' Which I somehow don't think would go down very well.

So a LD partner of mine would end up feeling pretty neglected and insecure... I have a hard enough time making sure I remember to make people feel valued and attended to who are here in my everyday life in front of my face...

[Gen]

They'd be calling and saying like 'I've missed you, it's so horrible being apart' and I'd feel obliged to say likewise, but really thinking 'actually I barely thought about you, I missed you a bit at first but I've found other things to occupy myself as I always do, and though when I heard your voice it was welcome and I realized afresh how cool you are and stuff, I haven't thought about it otherwise...' Which I somehow don't think would go down very well.

So a LD partner of mine would end up feeling pretty neglected and insecure... I have a hard enough time making sure I remember to make people feel valued and attended to who are here in my everyday life in front of my face...

I have a hard time believing that could happen when two people are absolutely, positively "in love". I hate to make it sound all mystical but in my experience, as a person who used to leave people feeling neglected, when its the one its not difficult to remember* that you're in love with someone you haven't talked to in 8 to 12 hours.

*The only time I found it difficult is when I was temporarily emotionally retarded due to serious stress and relationship difficulties, repressing how I felt in order to make some decisions that my subconcious decided needed detatchment. This lasted a few months, until we saw each other again.

[Trinity]

I have a hard time believing that could happen when two people are absolutely, positively "in love". I hate to make it sound all mystical but in my experience, as a person who used to leave people feeling neglected, when its the one its not difficult to remember* that you're in love with someone you haven't talked to in 8 to 12 hours.

Dunno, absolutely, positively "in love" you may have a point, but you need to get to that stage first, LD fell apart for me as the guy was always reading into me not responding when he contacted me and presuming it had a deeper meaning, in my mind: sweet but don't need to respond right now, in his: it's been an hour, she doesn't care.

[Dom]

Still worth it even if it doesn't ultimately work out? That's easy to say when yours worked out. :alttongue:

LOL... oh yeah, you must have forgotten how rocky it all got huh? But yeah that fac tthat the journey was incredably painful doesn't change the fact that it DID work out.. (God I never really thought I was that lucky!!!)

Dunno, absolutely, positively "in love" you may have a point, but you need to get to that stage first, LD fell apart for me as the guy was always reading into me not responding when he contacted me and presuming it had a deeper meaning, in my mind: sweet but don't need to respond right now, in his: it's been an hour, she doesn't care.

You can have these types of differences even when not in a LD relationship. The distance makes it worst, because, the distance makes dishonesty easier and trust harder to maintain. I think people almost have to take LDR's more seriously sooner for them to stand a hope of working out.

I am currently in one now, and it is rough. Especially since he lives on another continent. We have met, and were planning to do so again this winter, but it looks as though that's not going to happen.

I would like to know your experiences with long distance relationships. The successes and the failures.

Good luck there... I'm married to Gen and we met via INTPcentral, I in europe, she in the US. It was hard but it worked out. Like I said best of luck to you and congrats on being couragous enough to give it a try. I know how hard that can be.

[Lateralus]

LOL... oh yeah, you must have forgotten how rocky it all got huh? But yeah that fac tthat the journey was incredably painful doesn't change the fact that it DID work out.. (God I never really thought I was that lucky!!!)
I remember, but most things are worth it if you accomplish your goal. It's when you fail that you look for sentimental victories...and I don't put much stock in those.

[substitute]

I take your point Gen but I'd have said the same as Trinity in reply...

If I had already been with the person face to face for a while and by that medium knew that this was 'The One', then yes an enforced separation, sure, I'd endure it and we'd stay together. But I don't honestly think any relationship that started that way, with me involved, would have much success.

But no, I can honestly say that even when I've felt totally in love, whilst I obviously do think of the person when they're not around and don't forget about them, as I say no I'm not measuring the minutes and ... I don't tend to see much mystical about it. Everyone's different... more power to you if it worked for you, but you're not me... *shrug*

And like I say, I can't overstate how easily distracted Ne can be even from the strongest of feelings and desires.

[Dom]

I take your point Gen but I'd have said the same as Trinity in reply...

If I had already been with the person face to face for a while and by that medium knew that this was 'The One', then yes an enforced separation, sure, I'd endure it and we'd stay together. But I don't honestly think any relationship that started that way, with me involved, would have much success.

But no, I can honestly say that even when I've felt totally in love, whilst I obviously do think of the person when they're not around and don't forget about them, as I say no I'm not measuring the minutes and ... I don't tend to see much mystical about it. Everyone's different... more power to you if it worked for you, but you're not me... *shrug*

And like I say, I can't overstate how easily distracted Ne can be even from the strongest of feelings and desires.

Fair enough, but your phone makes a funny little buzzing noise, and you look and see it's a text from your dear one, you probably read it. Why not reply? To say "Sweet but I don't need to rpeply now" means you dont' WANT to reply now, which means that whatever else you are doing is more important than communicating with the dear one, meaning they aren't so dear after all...

[substitute]

Fair enough, but your phone makes a funny little buzzing noise, and you look and see it's a text from your dear one, you probably read it. Why not reply? To say "Sweet but I don't need to rpeply now" means you dont' WANT to reply now, which means that whatever else you are doing is more important than communicating with the dear one, meaning they aren't so dear after all...

well there you go, that's it in a nutshell basically - that's not the way I see a relationship ideally. to me I need to feel like at any given moment I'm perfectly free to think of something else as more important to me RIGHT NOW than their insecure pesterings. I wouldn't expect anyone else under any circumstances to drop their train of thought, drop everything or anything if they're currently enjoying it, to pander to me. I mean sure, if it's important then yeah, but face it, it rarely ever is.

If I can't say "yeah that's nice, I'll reply later" WITHOUT the person feeling this reflects on the importance I give to our relationship in general then that relationship is not working, for me. And in all probability, I might forget to get back to them later. In all probability, when I hear the phone make a noise I'll even put off picking it up if I'm absorbed in something, and make a mental note to get back to it later. And possibly forget.

In a situation like that I'd feel it as pressure and emotional blackmail in a way. That's not to say that I wouldn't ever feel like contacting them - I very probably would. But less frequently, and my inclination to do it would decrease in proportion to how pressured I felt to do it - how much I felt that I was 'expected' to.

This is why I'm saying that I am not suited to LDR's. I don't think I'm suited to any romantic relationships at all, but especially not those.

[Trinity]

Fair enough, but your phone makes a funny little buzzing noise, and you look and see it's a text from your dear one, you probably read it. Why not reply? To say "Sweet but I don't need to rpeply now" means you dont' WANT to reply now, which means that whatever else you are doing is more important than communicating with the dear one, meaning they aren't so dear after all...

For me, not replying straight away is not a reflection on how important I consider the message or the person sending it, it is simply a means of communication that is of little value to me in the first place, I could care deeply for the person sending it and feel touched by what they said but half the time I respond it is because I realise that other person will read into it if I don't so I feel obligated to avoid drama, this does not mean I don't care, when I'm serious about a guy I'm basically blinded to everything and everyone else, it is not a matter of not caring.

[Gen]

If I can't say "yeah that's nice, I'll reply later" WITHOUT the person feeling this reflects on the importance I give to our relationship in general then that relationship is not working, for me.
So what you're really saying is that we're like, different people, and do things differently, and think differently? ... lol I know, I'm just one of those annoying people that thinks that because it changed me, it could change everyone.

I suppose you're a T that couldn't be with an F (I really hate to generalize that way though because I don't necessarily think that all F's are "clingy", nor do I necessarily think that the behavior you described is absolutely "clingy" behavior). I find it easy to rationally deduct that if a person I care about needs positive feedback, I should give it. Because then, I get some of that positive feedback of my own. A nice little, completely rational, yummy cycle, love is :heart::D

[substitute]

For me, not replying straight away is not a reflection on how important I consider the message or the person sending it, it is simply a means of communication that is of little value to me in the first place, I could care deeply for the person sending it and feel touched by what they said but half the time I respond it is because I realise that other person will read into it if I don't so I feel obligated to avoid drama, this does not mean I don't care, when I'm serious about a guy I'm basically blinded to everything and everyone else, it is not a matter of not caring.

see, this is why I have an INTJ fetish :wub:

you see Gen? lol I know these things. That's why I keep myself off the market and save the population the trouble of dealing with my quirks. And reserve the right to change course should the perfect Picard to my Q come along someday :alttongue:

[Gen]

... half the time I respond it is because I realise that other person will read into it if I don't ...

RIGHT! Exactly. So... if the person mattered enough, it wouldn't feel like annoying obligation and wouldn't be that much of a hassle because you'd be happy to do something that would keep the other person happy.

Still comes down to true love. ;)

[Trinity]

see, this is why I have an INTJ fetish :wub:

:smooch:

RIGHT! Exactly. So... if the person mattered enough, it wouldn't feel like annoying obligation and wouldn't be that much of a hassle because you'd be happy to do something that would keep the other person happy.

Still comes down to true love. ;)
Maybe, ideally though it'd be with someone who understood my lack of response didn't mean anything bad, true love would make a major difference in any relationship, I just don't see how I could get to that point unless I knew and fell in love with the guy first. Btw, the fact that it worked for you is awesome, OP should listen to you and Dom not me ;)

[Dom]

For me, not replying straight away is not a reflection on how important I consider the message or the person sending it, it is simply a means of communication that is of little value to me in the first place, I could care deeply for the person sending it and feel touched by what they said but half the time I respond it is because I realise that other person will read into it if I don't so I feel obligated to avoid drama, this does not mean I don't care, when I'm serious about a guy I'm basically blinded to everything and everyone else, it is not a matter of not caring.

You say it's a means of communication that is of little value to you, and that's fine, but it may not be of little value to him. All that means is that you'll feel more inclided to compromise knowing that if you really are properly into a the guy. Which is all Gen meant too. In otherwords, if you don't want to take what the other person considers important into consideration then you probably don't care that much for them.

As you say you get blinded to everthing else when you are serious, all you are really suggesting then is that you don't think you could fall in love from a long distance? To be honest I didnt thitnk I could either...

Edit: Sorry you posted while i was typing...

[Dom]

well there you go, that's it in a nutshell basically - that's not the way I see a relationship ideally. to me I need to feel like at any given moment I'm perfectly free to think of something else as more important to me RIGHT NOW than their insecure pesterings. I wouldn't expect anyone else under any circumstances to drop their train of thought, drop everything or anything if they're currently enjoying it, to pander to me. I mean sure, if it's important then yeah, but face it, it rarely ever is.

If I can't say "yeah that's nice, I'll reply later" WITHOUT the person feeling this reflects on the importance I give to our relationship in general then that relationship is not working, for me. And in all probability, I might forget to get back to them later. In all probability, when I hear the phone make a noise I'll even put off picking it up if I'm absorbed in something, and make a mental note to get back to it later. And possibly forget.

In a situation like that I'd feel it as pressure and emotional blackmail in a way. That's not to say that I wouldn't ever feel like contacting them - I very probably would. But less frequently, and my inclination to do it would decrease in proportion to how pressured I felt to do it - how much I felt that I was 'expected' to.

This is why I'm saying that I am not suited to LDR's. I don't think I'm suited to any romantic relationships at all, but especially not those.


To be honest I totally respect your aproach on this, you know you couldn't do it and that this kind of thing would annoy you so you avoid it all together, that I respect. What I dislike is when people behave like this or think like this and then go ahead with an LDR anyway. OF course a text every 30 mins that required a reply or there would be drama would be more than even this floppy F here could deal with. But no compromise on how you choose to communicate is a killer for relationships without adding the complication that an LDR brigns to communication. Also I'd not get worried soemone was having an affair because they didnt' reply, I'd assume their phone ran out of battery, they were busy or soem other. But if they never replied I may get concerned abotu how seriously they were taking the relationship, if having discussed it they refused to make any concession then it's crazy.

Not replying immediately doesn't mean someone doesn't care or any other of the thosands of paranoid options either. However, conintued refusual to do something as simply and easy as to send a text does indicate that there is a lack of care. If your relationhsip was important enough to you, why can't you make the tiny effort required to send a text by way of reply?

[Gen]

Btw, the fact that it worked for you is awesome, OP should listen to you and Dom not me ;)

Thanks, :) I'm not saying that because it worked for me that everyone elses experience is going to follow suit, I just get nervous for people (usually fellow Ts) who think they know themselves and they know how they react to things when I know I used to also and now I know its not necessarily the case. Its not that I'm sure all Ts can become squishy, its just that I think some can.

[substitute]

Thanks, :) I'm not saying that because it worked for me that everyone elses experience is going to follow suit, I just get nervous for people (usually fellow Ts) who think they know themselves and they know how they react to things when I know I used to also and now I know its not necessarily the case. Its not that I'm sure all Ts can become squishy, its just that I think some can.

I can become squishy - that is, have squishy moments, but I don't have it in me to totally live my life on a squishy level lol some T's can get softened by living with F's or whatever, but I'm just not one of them, relationships with F's have always been disastrous for me. The happiest relationship I ever had (which was only terminated by death and which I've every belief would've been permanent otherwise) was with an ENTJ and that's what we were both like. Being in love didn't mean to us that we automatically put each other's wants and needs before EVERYTHING else, it just meant that, if in a situation where his need/desire and that of something else on my radar were equal in deservingness (obviously according to our own criteria) then I'd pick him over them, and vice versa.

You see, it was understood that what each of us WANTED was for the other to feel free to pursue their lives with integrity. The only approaches or expressions of affection from each other that meant anything to us were the ones that came freely, unsolicited. Totally genuine. And whilst in the early honeymoon phases of the relationship yes, I did genuinely bubble with enthusiasm to answer his every call etc, after a while that tornado dies down and it becomes more realistic. To expect that to be sustained longterm with two strong T types would've been unrealistic and only cause resentment.

Now, when we were together in person, if one approached the other affectionately, then the response was (usually) automatically to reciprocate it. Though, no offence was taken if he didn't take his eye from the telescope and waved me away with a 'Not right now, love!' :laugh:

But if done over a distance when either of us was travelling (we often spent time apart, at the time I was often in France or otherwise on the road for business reasons), obviously I was already busy doing something else, so it was more of an intrusion. Well, it wasn't, but only because I knew that he wasn't requiring immediate attention and reciprocation. I knew that if I just waited 'til later to respond, that was 100% cool.

So... experience tells me that xNTJ is about the only type I'm realistically suited for relationships with... if at all.

[Spartacuss]

I am currently in one now, and it is rough. Especially since he lives on another continent. We have met, and were planning to do so again this winter, but it looks as though that's not going to happen.

I would like to know your experiences with long distance relationships. The successes and the failures.
I can't be bothered with them now, but IME it is doable as long as
1) You don't start off that way - It's hard to get serious about a new relationship if you don't have that IRL basis to it. And if you're not serious about it, the expectations of relationship-y commitment seem ill-advised.
2) You have somewhat sure plans for the end of the "LD" part of the LDR - for much of the same reason as the above.
3) You have the time/opportunity to visit each other fairly regularly - If you're really busy it is tough to have the energy to make any effort with the LDR. The less-busy person can (rightly) feel gypped and ... the games begin.

[Tallulah]

Thanks, :) I'm not saying that because it worked for me that everyone elses experience is going to follow suit, I just get nervous for people (usually fellow Ts) who think they know themselves and they know how they react to things when I know I used to also and now I know its not necessarily the case. Its not that I'm sure all Ts can become squishy, its just that I think some can.

I love hearing stories like yours and Dom's; it's inspiring to me.

And you know, I've thought about it a lot lately, and I don't think I want one of those NT-uber-independent, non-squishy relationships. I freaking WANT someone to make me go squishy.

[kyuuei]

I love hearing stories like yours and Dom's; it's inspiring to me.

And you know, I've thought about it a lot lately, and I don't think I want one of those NT-uber-independent, non-squishy relationships. I freaking WANT someone to make me go squishy.

Sometimes. ^_^ not all the time. I need a balance of it all. I get picky and I'm pretty passionate about my moods either which way they go, solitary or people-needy.

[Geoff]

I love hearing stories like yours and Dom's; it's inspiring to me.

And you know, I've thought about it a lot lately, and I don't think I want one of those NT-uber-independent, non-squishy relationships. I freaking WANT someone to make me go squishy.

But.. too much squishy would be troublesome too!

Sometimes. ^_^ not all the time. I need a balance of it all. I get picky and I'm pretty passionate about my moods either which way they go, solitary or people-needy.

Right.. a balance sounds right. Neither extreme is a good thing. I think sometimes that the T-F is particularly key as it dictates the warmth of a relationship.

[runvardh]

I'd like to give a person the chance and the safe place to be squishy, though I wouldn't want to expect them to be that all the time. When things need to get done it's not squishy time; but when we're in each other's arms it's totally that time. even if it's figuratively. :)

[INTJMom]

I'd like to throw my wrench into the works if I may...

When I was 21, I met the man of my dreams while I was home on vacation. We lived over 500 miles apart. I was terribly insecure. Sometimes I wonder how our early relationship survived it! This was before the internet and cell phones. After I left, he would save up his change and call me from a phone booth on Saturday nights with a pocket full of quarters. Within a month or so, I moved back home because I couldn't stand living so far apart from him.

He was in the Navy at the time, and only a couple of weeks after I moved back home, he was sent across the country for 6 weeks! As Rosanne Rosannadanna used to say, "I thought I was gonna die."

Long story short: Out of the first 18 months of our relationship, we were only together for about 9 months of it. The rest of the time, the Navy separated us.

One of those separations included a 17 week top secret sea excursion during which he was not allowed to contact me but once, and he was NOT allowed to tell me where he was or what he was doing. That was really hard! I kept busy with a part-time job, and part-time college classes.

Twice he was in California for 6 weeks and I was in Maine. It took our letters 4 days to get to each other! I used to wait for the mailman every day.

So yeah, long distance relationships are hard.
It depends on the people and the circumstances as to how successful it will be.
It can be hard to remain faithful if you're lonely or starving for love.
But it can be done.
We've been married 26 years, so it worked for us.

But frankly, come on! You guys have it so easy now! :rolli:
You have email, instant messaging, webcams, cell phones, texting!
You can see each other, and hear each other's voice as often as you want!

I almost feel sorry for you.
You won't have a shoebox full of old, racy love-letters in your closet. :devil:


Congrats to Dom and Gen.
I didn't realize how you met!
Cool story!

[Tallulah]

I'd like to give a person the chance and the safe place to be squishy, though I wouldn't want to expect them to be that all the time. When things need to get done it's not squishy time; but when we're in each other's arms it's totally that time. even if it's figuratively. :)

Yeah, like that!

[kyuuei]

Dear INTJMom:

Holy shit. That f'in' rocks! I used to think it was real romantic for lovers and others to write to each other from across the seas and such back in the old old days of traveling by ship, and I still believe it to this day.. because c'mon. How in love must two people be to wait so long and remain faithful? Not to say they all were, but that's an awesome story you tell. So there you have it AwesomeCakes! If they can do it without skype and cell phones and webcams and chatrooms and instant messages and e-mails.. You'll do just fine if he's meant for you.

[runvardh]

Yeah, like that!

I see that as one of the things that make a relationship worth it, ^_^

[CaptainChick]

I haven't read all the replies, but I definitely find it ignorant for anyone to state that LDRs are either universally "bad ideas" or "good ideas" without having taken into consideration the people who the LDR actually involves.

The best relationship I have ever been in happened to be an LDR. Due to the enforced geographical distance, our relationship could not take on the comfortable, strictly sexual/sensate pace of a sleeping, eating and fucking relationship. CONVERSING became our main means of connecting and that was/is a beautiful thing, (at least for us chicks, that is ;) ). And it takes a certain level of *substance* to really be able to have and withstand a relationship where sex and simple coexisting aren't thrown up into the mix to confuse you into thinking you are in love with someone who you are, eh, just living with.

I know for myself, that LDRs work for me and that I am more than willing to give them a chance. I also understand that LDRs don't work for everyone, both my sisters thought I was absolutely insane for having one because they could not imagine having one themselves.

[Uberfuhrer]

Long-distance relationships are the only kind that I feel capable of handling because there is more planning involved, which I am more comfortable with. I don't mind ambitious surprises, just as long as they are not spontaneous.

Unfortunately, all the people I've chatted with in the past on AIM or through Facebook were all just using it for fun and playing with my feelings by claiming an interest in me and then stabbing me in the back by sleeping with some other guy. This has happened a number of times, and none of these online interactions ever made it off the ground.

But theoretically, this is the best way to interact with others, at least for me.

[substitute]

yeah Chick, I wouldn't say they were always a good or a bad thing for everyone, but I'm pretty confident that they're a bad idea for me, personally. :)

[Mighty Mouse]

I'm in one now...

Do I wish we were closer in distance? Definitely.

Do I miss the benefits of touch? Definitely.

Is he worth it? Absolutely.

I would not choose a LDR over one near by if all things were equal. But I do choose a good relationship even if it is long distance over a mediocre one close by hands down.

[01011010]

There are many variables involved, but I think it can definitely work depending on the couple's ability to compromise and plan.

[Jack Flak]

..and plan.
Bah! YUCK. hehe

[kyuuei]

I would advise not to get trapped into thinking "I've stuck it out this long" though. It can become a mediocre relationship just as any IRL one can become less-than-worth it.. It's hard, I think for ENFPs.. but especially for me.. to admit that maybe that bridge needs to be burned. We tend to stick and cling to things long after they should have died or seen the warning signs of dying off. It's disappointing to be let down IRL, so I know it's just as well LD, so I would advise you ensure you remain happy in it. LDR are hard to begin with, but the strain of that sort of situation would put a bad taste in your mouth I would think.

[Uberfuhrer]

Another problem with long distance relationships is that, for me, they are never what I think they are.

I feel a romantic attraction or I feel confused as to whether or not the interaction is romantic and then I find out later that it's just platonic. It just humiliates me and it's also depressing because it's like taking a wrong turn after realizing you are miles away from the intersection. So I get the feeling of working so hard for something but wasting my life in the end.

None of these online interactions ever got off the ground, even though the discussion of getting together bloomed several times. It turns out, however, that they were just egging me on and playing with my feelings, something that is curiously more acceptable for women to do than men, I've noticed.

[Mighty Mouse]

None of these online interactions ever got off the ground, even though the discussion of getting together bloomed several times. It turns out, however, that they were just egging me on and playing with my feelings, something that is curiously more acceptable for women to do than men, I've noticed.

You sure you want to go with this statement?

[runvardh]

Bah! YUCK. hehe

Eh, sometimes a good plan helps things...

[Uberfuhrer]

You sure you want to go with this statement?

Which one?

And what is your alternative suggestion?

[Mighty Mouse]

It turns out, however, that they were just egging me on and playing with my feelings, something that is curiously more acceptable for women to do than men, I've noticed.

I don't think it is more "acceptable" for any one to play with another's feelings... male or female.

And I can tell you from experience in the online dating world which is what you are making reference to that the burden of that bullshit lays in both genders.

I know I have come across some of the biggest male idiots online that wouldn't know how to be honest if their lives depended on it.

[Dom]

None of these online interactions ever got off the ground, even though the discussion of getting together bloomed several times. It turns out, however, that they were just egging me on and playing with my feelings, something that is curiously more acceptable for women to do than men, I've noticed.

Actually I think you may be right, I think society does accept a woman toying with a man's feelings with less objection than they do when a man plays a woman's feelings.

Maybe it's something to do with the widespread belief that the latter is far more common.

[Dom]

I don't think it is more "acceptable" for any one to play with another's feelings... male or female.

And I can tell you from experience in the online dating world which is what you are making reference to that the burden of that bullshit lays in both genders.

I know I have come across some of the biggest male idiots online that wouldn't know how to be honest if their lives depended on it.

I don't think he mentioned what you find acceptable. I think he said in general and there are execption to every generalisations (due to generalisations being of only very little use to us really)

I'm so happy my LDR ended up ok and I'm happily married and out of that dting/lying/manipulating/controling/misrepresenting bullshit people do when trying to find a partner... like pretending to be somethign you're not is going to help find mr/mrs right.... *shakes head*

[nottaprettygal]

There are many variables involved, but I think it can definitely work depending on the couple's ability to compromise and plan.

Bah! YUCK. hehe

Heh. The "plan" part was probably the only reason that my LDR actually worked out. Two people working towards something allows each of them to keep their sanity. Otherwise, it would have been sappy emails and phone conversations all of the time. Not that those didn't take place, but the idea that we were both taking steps towards being with one another made the misery tolerable.

[Mighty Mouse]

Heh. The "plan" part was probably the only reason that my LDR actually worked out. Two people working towards something allows each of them to keep their sanity. Otherwise, it would have been sappy emails and phone conversations all of the time. Not that those didn't take place, but the idea that we were both taking steps towards being with one another made the misery tolerable.

I think this is true. Right now my LDR and I are not on a plan and it is upsetting for me to live in limbo. As an ENFP I know I have to be careful about too much pressure on his INFP ego... but it is hard to not know where we are and I have gotten to the point where I am not feeling as patient.

[Jack Flak]

Otherwise, it would have been sappy emails and phone conversations all of the time. Not that those didn't take place,
Feelings? YUCK!

[runvardh]

I prefer a plan too, but I tend to be more worried about when it would be appropreate.

[GargoylesLegacy]

Jeez, I've had quite a few long-Distance Relationships. Some where within the same Country, some all across the big wide Sea.
I can deal with it. I mean "lately" I have always had Stuff to do, so it is great to not have a Person right next to you (I dun wanna bore the Crap out of him, while I have to work on my Projects), so chatting always came in VERY handy for me. OR skyping, whatever.

I used to have a freaking big Problem with long-Distance Relationships because of the missing "physical Contacts" but I learned to deal with it very well and fast. Actually, the Guy I was being with last was all the Way across in America and we would have met in 2 Years earliest. That was fine with me, really. I can take it. There are plenty of Ways to interact in Chat or via VOIP etc to make it a quite "real" Relationship. I would say it is a great Way of building up Trust and Everything you need, because it FORCES you to talk (and this is actually the biggest Deal with Relationships that break up). I think it's a good Thing. Because...let's face it. There are SO MANY Persons on this Planet...how big is the Chance that "The One" lives right across your Street or in the same Area?

So yeah, I think it's a good Thing.