How To Get Into A Relationship?

[Mondo]

The question is simple. I've been in one relationship- it started quickly and ended almost as quickly..

I know what is stopping me from getting into a relationship with anyone- being a male who is as scared as shit to ask anyone out.

Another problem I have is that while I can be flirtatious with girls through verbal means, it is hard for me to do the same through physical means... a girl always has to initiate that.

Women think I'm funny but I don't think women think I'm sexy through my flirting strategies.

It's also part of a reason why I am on the road to becoming an alcoholic since that is the only time I can be more physically flirtatious.

Can anyone help me out here? I am not interested in hookups anymore. I want to get into a relationship.

[sophiedoph]

You don't have to be physically flirtatious to get into a relationship (at least not initially). So you shouldn't drink--and maybe you are hanging out in the wrong places.

I know a number of girls who are interested in relationships but get POd by how quickly guys seem to want to get into their pants. They do exist--that's why I think either you have a misconception about how to attract girls or you are spending time in the wrong places.

Have you tried any meet-ups with some special interest groups? That's a great way to meet someone who likes similar things you do. And since you'd be seeing each other regularly there, it would probably naturally come up for you to "grab dinner beforehand" sometime, or coffee afterward.

Now, I'm not an expert on the topic. I've only ever dated one person (LOL) but it seems that your idea of how guys attract women, and what kind of woman you really want are incongruous. Check out those SIGs...

[FDG]

To go a club, drink and start hitting on girls

[iluvstellacat]

Chicks dig confidence... Just be confident in yourself when you approach the ladies and they will sense it. The world does not and will not end if a girl turns you down for a date. If anything, she will be flattered, but maybe you just aren't her type. If she says no? Well, that's just the way it is. You would say no if someone you weren't interested in approached you for a date. I can assure you there is some girl around waiting to meet a guy just like you. Just be confident in yourself and be assured that if you push yourself outside of your comfort zone and just ask, you will get a yes here and there.

There is no quick and easy way to get into a relationship. Finding someone is a bit of a numbers game.. And meeting those girls to date? Well, it could be anywhere... library, bar, or under a tree. I can assure you that if you are just yourself, you will find someone eventually that appreciates you for who you are, without the help of alcohol...

[Edahn]

The question is simple. I've been in one relationship- it started quickly and ended almost as quickly..

I know what is stopping me from getting into a relationship with anyone- being a male who is as scared as shit to ask anyone out.

Another problem I have is that while I can be flirtatious with girls through verbal means, it is hard for me to do the same through physical means... a girl always has to initiate that.

Women think I'm funny but I don't think women think I'm sexy through my flirting strategies.

It's also part of a reason why I am on the road to becoming an alcoholic since that is the only time I can be more physically flirtatious.

Can anyone help me out here? I am not interested in hookups anymore. I want to get into a relationship.

1. Stop drinking if you notice you're in danger of dependency. Also, the more progress you make while you drink, the more you will attribute your progress to alcohol and rob yourself of any victories or advances you make.
2. Stop fighting yourself and start embracing your inability to be smooth (enough). Look at it as something charming about you. No body gets confident by trying to be someone else, just be embracing who they already are.

That's really it.

[SillyGoose]

1. Stop drinking if you notice you're in danger of dependency. Also, the more progress you make while you drink, the more you will attribute your progress to alcohol and rob yourself of any victories or advances you make.
2. Stop fighting yourself and start embracing your inability to be smooth (enough). Look at it as something charming about you. No body gets confident by trying to be someone else, just be embracing who they already are.

That's really it.

Yep.

And, most chicks I know kinda dig the not-so-smooth guys. It's a tip their not a playa.

[Mighty Mouse]

No drunk guy ever impressed me. So drinking in order to find someone is definitely not the answer.

I suggest instead of trying to find a girl to be in a romantic relationship, get used to being around girls period. Get into friendships. Start talking to all kinds of girls not for the goal of getting a girlfriend but of getting practice.

This way when someone you are attracted to does come a long it is not such a huge leap.

[Hmm]

I am not interested in hookups anymore. I want to get into a relationship.

Why?

[Grayscale]

if you think back on how most of your current relationships started (romantic or not) you will probably notice that very few of them were established with that particular goal in mind. this is why ive never really been much of a fan of doing anything with another person with a relationship in mind. (spending time with someone will speed up whether anything will develop or not, though)

i think that having a relationship in your crosshairs is not only not necessary to having one, but potentially detrimental. with that in mind, id suggest you try and meet people (men and women alike, who doesnt like more friends? ;)) through activities you enjoy, and it's even easier when it's something you do on a regular basis. stay away from the bars and clubs and stick to the places where the point isn't to socialize and you'll be more likely to see people in their natural state. you don'd need to "ask someone out"--if there's chemistry then the attraction will happen by itself, from there you'll have a much easier time asking a woman you like if she would want to spend more time with you outside of that mutual interest. :)

take it from someone in his early 20's who doesnt have the social luxury of college (i.e. being co-located with thousands of peers for the majority of a year for several years) this is both a more effective and sustainable approach as you will inevitably move from one set of social circumstances to the next.

[Udog]

1. Become the best you that you can be.
2. Become comfortable in your own skin. (if you can manage 2 then 1, even better!) Appreciate yourself for the things you are instead of hating yourself for what you are not.
3. Find stuff you enjoy doing that has at least some opportunity to meet people.
4. As you meet women, focus on the ones that can appreciate you and avoid the ones that cannot, no matter how cute or funny they are.

[runvardh]

I wait till she shows up, I don't wait till she asks me out.

[Cimarron]

No drunk guy ever impressed me. So drinking in order to find someone is definitely not the answer.

I suggest instead of trying to find a girl to be in a romantic relationship, get used to being around girls period. Get into friendships. Start talking to all kinds of girls not for the goal of getting a girlfriend but of getting practice.

This way when someone you are attracted to does come a long it is not such a huge leap. Sounds like good advice in general. Hang out with girls casually and as friends, and it will make talking to girls a less uncomfortable ordeal.

A girl I asked out once turned me down, but we stayed in touch, talking on the phone quite a lot. Now even though at the time I asked her out I was very nervous around her and always had romantic thoughts at the forefront of my mind, over time it got to be that her gender didn't even register and things became really comfortable. A few years later on, I started seeing and talking to her (and other female friends) less and less, and my nervousness around girls started to increase again. This means I started talking to girls even less, which continued to increase my nervousness, keeping the cycle going. Where am I today? Pretty much no girl I can talk to comfortably, and all my close friends are guys. No girl friends or girlfriend.

So I guess there isn't much new info in this post, just some support for others' general points. Good luck, though.

[Tallulah]

No drunk guy ever impressed me. So drinking in order to find someone is definitely not the answer.

I suggest instead of trying to find a girl to be in a romantic relationship, get used to being around girls period. Get into friendships. Start talking to all kinds of girls not for the goal of getting a girlfriend but of getting practice.

This way when someone you are attracted to does come a long it is not such a huge leap.

+1

Guy being himself, even with awkward stumbles > drunk guy who thinks he's being smooth, every single time.

[Uberfuhrer]

You would say no if someone you weren't interested in approached you for a date.

Um, no, actually. It's just as uncomfortable saying no to people. Just as the idea of being rejected is painful, rejecting others is painful, too.

[CzeCze]

^^ LOL, that was post 1234 for you Uber!

I have an INTP female friend and she's all about serial monogamy interspersed with serial dalliances.

I think the key to 'getting into relationships' is not only getting comfortable, but recognizing signals and signs. Recognizing signals and trusting your 'gut instinct' usually comes after you get comfortable. I think you can get comfortable after you get confident. And you can get confident knowing that YES, someday, someway, you will get into a relationship. And it will be great. So you can relax now.

Does that help? :P

Getting really anxious about relationships and girls messes with your mojo, dude.

[Uberfuhrer]

That brings up another question. How does one get confident and comfortable? For example, I have a lot of things that I think will make me comfortable but the never end up being that way for long.

[dnivera]

Ask her directly. Would you like to be my girlfriend....

[Uberfuhrer]

Ask her directly. Would you like to be my boy/girlfriend....

How does that work out for you?

[phoenix13]

Ask her directly. Would you like to be my girlfriend....

Hahaha! Haha... ha. Wait, that was a joke right? :unsure:

[Jack Flak]

Hahaha! Haha... ha. Wait, that was a joke right?
It is a slight amusing. I would tend to...disagree with that advice just a little.

[Uberfuhrer]

Hahaha! Haha... ha. Wait, that was a joke right? :unsure:

I think she mentioned in another thread that she doesn't have a sense of humor.

[disregard]

What is wrong with asking a girl to be your girlfriend?

[Jack Flak]

(LOL. Look down for post I'm replying to.)
Way back in junior high there was a guy...
I heard similar stories about a guy I worked with in high school. He was a little, shall we say, not adjusted perfectly well in the head, but relatively sane. Asked everyone at his school out, I guess, and no one ever said yes.

[karenk]

Way back in junior high there was a guy in the mentally challenged class who used to directly ask every girl to be his girlfriend. Yea, I guess it's not a sophisticated technique. So this guy was in a poor predicament and I feel bad for him because everyone said no of course. I wonder if he ever lost his confidence eventually because he never stopped-eternal optimism, which is a good trait.

Edit: I edited/deleted/reposted so that's why the reply is above. ha.

[phoenix13]

What is wrong with asking a girl to be your girlfriend?

Maybe we need to be more specific here. Asking an acquaintance to be your SO doesn't make sense to me, as you don't know eachother. "Girlfriend" means different things to different people, but it usually implies some commitment. The person being asked may not be in a position to make the decision to committ.

I'd like to highlight the ambiguity of the term "girlfriend" as a reason in itself to avoid that question.

Now, if it's your 5th date and you're looking for that commitment, fine. I would hope that you both would be enough in-sync to make that unnecessary, but hey... some people need a tangible declaration.

[Edahn]

The thrilling debate between Mighty Mouse and Jack Flak continues here (http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/graveyard/8685-s01e01-mighty-mouse-battles-evil-jack-flak.html).

[ptgatsby]

Can anyone help me out here? I am not interested in hookups anymore. I want to get into a relationship.

I would say that that something like 75% of the kind of people you can meet depend on where you meet them.

Drinking more will simply lead to the wrong type of people, probably, for you. Try school, work... libraries, church, clubs. Do what you like doing, and then don't be afraid to ask those people out.

And be upfront with your life plans when you talk. That's the most direct way to lead people into your life. When you start off integrating them into your future, they'll either not fit - and move on - or will fit and give you a chance.

[Uberfuhrer]

What is wrong with asking a girl to be your girlfriend?

She might say the "N" word.

[disregard]

That's not the end of the world.

Imagine if she says yes!

(Of course.. you would only want to ask if you think you've got something going on between the two of you. In that case, it is very cute and respectful, I think.)

[Antisocial one]

Uber try this approach.

Try to find a group that hangs out togather.
Those people can be from your work , your building or street , friends of a friend ..... and try get more closer with that group. People of your age are creating that kind of groups all the time.

In the group try to find NFs, they are your best hope.

Once you are more closer with the group it is easier to see what is actually in there.
And you will see which girl is available and the most compatibile with you

Once you know that you can start to make some plans.But don't go into a details just create general approach.

In group dinamic try to be little bit more closer to her then others (but not to close).
When others don't pay too much attention try to give her some tiny compliment or a joke.
Try to boost her self-esteem, especially after her fights with her mother.
But never come to close.

And don't forget to meke jokes on your own account, believe me women love that.
Try adapt this strategys to the person which you want to be your girlfriend.

After few weeks or months (depends on the case) some connection will exist.

When you get one on one with her and you know that you will have the time alone with her because you have moved from the group (what ever the cause is) you can start conversation in direction that is important to you.

Make sure that you don't do this in her or your home because that would make her uncomfortable. Don't be too direct/determined .

The worst that can happen is that she will say "no" but that is the risk you will have to take. Even if she says no that is not the end because there is always a factor that she will few days later give you a call in stile
"Sorry, I was a fool"

I hope that this makes some sense to you.

[dnivera]

I was totally serious. The last guy asked me directly, and I said yes. Of course, not when you barely know the other person, but if you're tired of the random hookups and flirtations with no real meaning. It's a very formal SJ thing to do, but then you know your boundaries.

[Uberfuhrer]

Well, I would think if you directly ask a girl to be your girlfriend, it would be moving on too fast. We are assuming that she has never known you beforehand, right? Isn't that a bit creepy?

[phoenix13]

Well, I would think if you directly ask a girl to be your girlfriend, it would be moving on too fast. We are assuming that she has never known you beforehand, right? Isn't that a bit creepy?

Yes it is. Don't do it, Uber.

[Mighty Mouse]

Give me your scenario, Uber, in other words tell me in what context are females your age around you in every day life?

Let's see if we can find real time steps for you, that you would feel as comfortable as possible trying to associate a bit more... Would you like to try this?

[Uberfuhrer]

Give me your scenario, Uber, in other words tell me in what context are females your age around you in every day life?

Let's see if we can find real time steps for you, that you would feel as comfortable as possible trying to associate a bit more... Would you like to try this?

I'm a recluse, however, I have plenty of online social networking accounts (MySpace, Facebook, etc.).

The other day, however, I went to the mall -- I went to pick up Crysis Warhead from Gamestop -- there were some women standing alone, and I was noticing them (maybe few of them may have noticed me, but they just walked away). I just don't know what to say to them or how to approach them. That was what was consuming my thoughts.

I was doing what guys do, and looking at the woman for her aesthetic beauty, and I wanted to know more about them, but I just didn't know how to approach the situation of actually talking to her.

One of the strategies I had was to sit somewhere and keep the game case in my lap -- perhaps someone would approach me because they'd be curious about me. But alas, no one ever did. I guess that was a bit of a silly strategy of mine (being a subtle show-off), but it was the only one that my mind told me would even remotely work given the situation.

[Mighty Mouse]

No, this is too far reaching...

I meant are you a student that goes to classes? Do you work? What are some everyday things that you do where there are females your age?

[Uberfuhrer]

No, this is too far reaching...

I meant are you a student that goes to classes? Do you work? What are some everyday things that you do where there are females your age?

No. I considered going back to school, because I only have a few more courses to take to get my Associates Degree, but unfortunately, all of those classes are my weaknesses. The required subjects that didn't interest me sort of led my ambitions to dwindle away.

If I was to go back to school, it would be for the sole purpose to find someone, I'm less interested in taking any classes anymore, because there is a barrier made of classes that I absolutely suck at (math, biology, phys ed) that I would have to take before I can graduate, thus preventing me from success. And I know through experience that tutoring does not help.

As for work, I'm on disability, which was a decision I made because I was having trouble finding employment anywhere...and the fact that I don't do too well working with other people.

[Mighty Mouse]

I can only go from the little you have told me here... but I think the first steps for you have more to do with getting you feeling better about yourself and getting you re-involved with people in general.

Being in a healthy productive romantic relationship is very difficult even for those of us that are already socially involved and assertive. I would love to help you get there but I think that until you are comfortable with yourself and being around people in a more neutral setting, involving yourself romantically may be too intense.

Does that make sense?

[phoenix13]

I'm a recluse, however, I have plenty of online social networking accounts (MySpace, Facebook, etc.).

The other day, however, I went to the mall -- I went to pick up Crysis Warhead from Gamestop -- there were some women standing alone, and I was noticing them (maybe few of them may have noticed me, but they just walked away). I just don't know what to say to them or how to approach them. That was what was consuming my thoughts.

I was doing what guys do, and looking at the woman for her aesthetic beauty, and I wanted to know more about them, but I just didn't know how to approach the situation of actually talking to her.

One of the strategies I had was to sit somewhere and keep the game case in my lap -- perhaps someone would approach me because they'd be curious about me. But alas, no one ever did. I guess that was a bit of a silly strategy of mine (being a subtle show-off), but it was the only one that my mind told me would even remotely work given the situation.

All the people on this thread that suggested joining clubs/groups were dead on. I almost never converse with random people on the street, in stores, etc. For the shy or socially awkward, it's probably asking too much. Online socializing is cool, but evidently isn't working for you. Therefore, consider joining a club and interacting with real people whom you already know you have a common interest with.

...and also heed what mighty mouse said. I think he/she is a life coach IRL.

[Uberfuhrer]

I must confess I know nothing about clubs, how would I go about looking into one?

[Lateralus]

What are you interested in that might have a club? Figure that out, then start looking.

[phoenix13]

I must confess I know nothing about clubs, how would I go about looking into one?

Where can you find the answer to any question you've ever had? Google.

However some people are much more comfortable in romantic situations than social situations.

Those people are mutants.

[Mighty Mouse]

Tell me what level of recluse are you? Like do you never go out, sometimes, ... how often?

What do you do that does have people around? Like do you do coffee shops or libraries or anything like this?

[Uberfuhrer]

Where can you find the answer to any question you've ever had? Google.

Well, there are plenty of bars and restaurants that label themselves as clubs, but are those the same kinds of clubs as you're describing?

[phoenix13]

Well, there are plenty of bars and restaurants that label themselves as clubs, but are those the same kinds of clubs as you're describing?

Oh, no no! Not clubs... I mean things like orchestra, bike associations, book clubs, volunteer groups (Habitat for Humanity, etc.), Trekkies Anonymous, Trekkies Out and Proud, Chess Club... I'm getting dorkier and dorkier, so I'll stop here. Just somewhere that you can socialize regularly with a group of people.

EDIT: Bars and clubs might be a good place to practice conversation skills and build confidence, but I wouldn't use it as my primary hunting ground.

[Uberfuhrer]

Well, I'm Googling, but I'm only finding bars and nightclubs.

[Beat]

The bars and clubs here are pretty hip with lots of college students. Not really a bad place for "hunting grounds" IMO. Maybe not optimal, but not bad. Depends where you live though. Some places, the bars are just seedy spots with mostly trashy individuals. Where do you live Uber?

[Uberfuhrer]

The bars and clubs here are pretty hip with lots of college students. Not really a bad place for "hunting grounds" IMO. Depends where you live. Some places, the bars are just seedy spots with mostly trashy individuals. Where do you live Uber?

I live in a suburb of Cleveland.

And I'm not overly passionate about anything. And most of these social clubs in my area are just too far for me to get to.

The only video game-related club I could find is only for video game developers. And its distance is also very impractical. I would probably have to take 10 buses just to get there.

[phoenix13]

I live in a suburb of Cleveland.

And I'm not overly passionate about anything. And most of these social clubs in my area are just too far for me to get to.

The only video game-related club I could find is for video game developers.

What about volunteer associations?

[Beat]

Volunteer services to the 'I'm Going To Marry Women Assoc.'

[Uberfuhrer]

What about volunteer associations?

What is a volunteer association?

[Beat]

Like a community service organization, I assume. But typically they don't want you to kill/destroy in those types of orgs, so I dunno if you'd fit in too well...?

[Lateralus]

I live in a suburb of Cleveland.

And I'm not overly passionate about anything. And most of these social clubs in my area are just too far for me to get to.

The only video game-related club I could find is only for video game developers. And its distance is also very impractical. I would probably have to take 10 buses just to get there.
I see lots of excuses.

I'd suggest finding something worth being passionate about and pursuing it. If you do that, you're bound to run into women with similar interests.

[Beat]

Agreed. Nothing will happen if you don't gain some initiative and determination to make things happen. Get over insecurities and just try new things. I don't say this condescendingly either. I've had to/do deal with this shit.

[Uberfuhrer]

Tell me what level of recluse are you? Like do you never go out, sometimes, ... how often?

What do you do that does have people around? Like do you do coffee shops or libraries or anything like this?

I only go out if I'm running errands. It's hard for me to go out unless I have an objective in mind.

One time I went to a bookstore, I've gone to libraries and stuff, but I've never been approached or anything. One problem is that I'm really not that passionate about anything -- I don't know how to solve this problem and I can't really afford to try new things and experience life, despite the fact that's what I really want to do.

Maybe it's my sexual frustration or the fact that I've NEVER even had a girlfriend before that's making me find it hard for me to concentrate on anything for long. But I have no one to even help me solve this problem.

I see lots of excuses.

I'd suggest finding something worth being passionate about and pursuing it. If you do that, you're bound to run into women with similar interests.

That's the trouble, I see a lot of things, but I don't find them worth being passionate about. How can I get out of this hole?

The only thing I can think about is acting out my sexual fantasies.

[disregard]

The best way to meet people is by knowing people.

I have met so many of my friends by simply existing and doing things with my friends, who have introduced me to others. Then my new friends and introduce me to more people. And so on and so forth.

If you're a person people want to befriend, then it's really effortless. You just have to be an "open" person.. I cannot really explain this quality.. but nobody owes you their time or friendship... you must rejoice in your friendship.

[Uberfuhrer]

But how do I get interested in things that interested me in the past? I can't find a way to get these passions back. How do I get a sense of identity? That's what you need to get friends, right?

[Lateralus]

That's the trouble, I see a lot of things, but I don't find them worth being passionate about. How can I get out of this hole?

The only thing I can think about is acting out my sexual fantasies.
That's doesn't sound like a healthy state of mind. I've struggled with something similar, at times, myself. My solution has usually been to find something to obsess over that I can control, like a career. Obsessing over things I can't control, like relationships and sex...that's always been a downward spiral for me.

[Uberfuhrer]

As I may have mentioned, I don't really have an interest in anything. And whatever interests do come up are just superficial and don't last very long.

How can I possibly solve this problem? And don't tell me to see a shrink or take meds. I've tried them, they didn't work.

[Lateralus]

But how do I get interested in things that interested me in the past? I can't find a way to get these passions back. How do I get a sense of identity? That's what you need to get friends, right?
Doing stuff, rather than thinking about doing stuff, is what usually works for me.

[GZA]

See a shrink and actually be open with him. Shit, do anything and actually be open with it. You're problems are entirely psychological. They have nothing to do with difficulty or practicality, it's all attitude. If you take meds and assume they will work and be optimistic, they will. If you see a shrink with the same atittude, you will improve. If you do anything with that attitude you will succeed. Placebo effect.

Disregard said something about being open and that it's hard to describe because it's such a subtle, unforced state of mind. I think I've only just became comfortably and confidently open with other people very recently, and it's really fantastic. It's like your life is a big continuum, and anything you say or do could not negatively impact the whole because it will just keep going on and on, and your respect for this continuum means you would not abuse it anyway, and will instead get better and better. You can throw a stone into a river and the river will still flow. Ever sit by a river and watch it flow, knowing it will one day empty into the ocean?


And as Lateralus said, just go make something happen. You are the only catalyst in your life.

[phoenix13]

What is a volunteer association?

An association of volunteers? Whatever, join Habitat for Humanity. You'll be helping others, meeting people, and building muscles all at the same time. ;)

[Uberfuhrer]

I'm curious, how do other people who have no friends end up making them? Is it always through these volunteer things?

[phoenix13]

But how do I get interested in things that interested me in the past? I can't find a way to get these passions back. How do I get a sense of identity? That's what you need to get friends, right?

Someone needs to split this thread into a "Mission Find Uber a Woman" thread...

That sounds like a reasonable assertion. It's good to have something to offer. How active are you? It's easy to get depressed (physically) when you're sitting around with nothing to do. Think about how you got here (when was the last time you had passions... what happened to cause them to leave). Did you drop out of college? Do you feel like a failure? Do some amateur psychoanalysis on yourself. Problem solve, damnit! You can do this!

[Lateralus]

I'm curious, how do other people who have no friends end up making them? Is it always through these volunteer things?
It's through doing something, anything. If you're never around people, how are they going to get to know you? You gotta make yourself at least somewhat vulnerable.

[Jack Flak]

I'm curious, how do other people who have no friends end up making them? Is it always through these volunteer things?
I've been in that situation once or twice as a kid, since I preferred having few friends (Which is still true to a lesser extent). If one moved away or we got in a fight, I could be on my own for a while. In retrospect, making friends was never something planned, as with most people. If you're not in school or don't have a job, the only decent idea I have is to do something you like doing in public, without regard for others. Someone might come by and say "Hey, what's up?"

[Uberfuhrer]

Someone needs to split this thread into a "Mission Find Uber a Woman" thread...

That sounds like a reasonable assertion. It's good to have something to offer. How active are you? It's easy to get depressed (physically) when you're sitting around with nothing to do. Think about how you got here (when was the last time you had passions... what happened to cause them to leave). Did you drop out of college? Do you feel like a failure? Do some amateur psychoanalysis on yourself. Problem solve, damnit! You can do this!

Well, I always was passionate about movies and I wanted to be a filmmaker or screenwriter, but I was always told what an unrealistic goal that was, especially considering I've never actually made a movie. Plus, I'm just not good at writing, it's just that I've always had these mental images in my head that worked like movies. It was often based on movies I'd seen in the past, but I also used my mind to alter and expand. I didn't know exactly how to incorporate it into a screenplay.

When I graduated from high school, I wanted to eventually go to film school but I just had no way to get there, so I ended up going to community college. Eventually going there every fall and spring became a senseless routine of mine and I had lost sight of what I wanted. And to be honest, I no longer even know if being a filmmaker was ever as serious as my mind made it out to be. So I dropped out of school, because I was just wasting my parents' money and mostly just stuck around taking classes (many of which I failed) for health insurance benefits. So I just lost sight of everything. And eventually, I just stayed home. The thought of going back occurred to me, as I said, I have a few more classes I need to take to get an Associates Degree, but they are the classes I kept failing.

I just don't have a sense of direction.

And I also don't think I have the creativity to become what I dreamed of. So I'm just stuck at home playing on the computer and surfing the Internet.

Another problem that limits me is that I have the feeling inside of me that says I'm not allowed to do things that other people do. I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that I've always been treated as a child with special needs growing up and being under close watch from parental figures -- that thought still remains.

Once in a while, I'll have a fire of enthusiasm within me, but it never lasts long enough to make things happen. I quickly get bored of it.

I really don't know of the things I'm actually good at and what other people see in me that can be used as a tool for succeeding in life.

[booya moon]

The question is simple. I've been in one relationship- it started quickly and ended almost as quickly..

I know what is stopping me from getting into a relationship with anyone- being a male who is as scared as shit to ask anyone out.

Another problem I have is that while I can be flirtatious with girls through verbal means, it is hard for me to do the same through physical means... a girl always has to initiate that.

Women think I'm funny but I don't think women think I'm sexy through my flirting strategies.

It's also part of a reason why I am on the road to becoming an alcoholic since that is the only time I can be more physically flirtatious.

Can anyone help me out here? I am not interested in hookups anymore. I want to get into a relationship.

Let me tell you a secret or two (as a woman):
a. most women don`t like guys who jump them right away, but they like guys with great sense of humor (and you being an ENTP probably don`t have problem in that area :))
b. you might seem brave and wonderful to yourself when you are under the influence of alcohol, but women find drunken men annoying and sometimes totally disgusting :sick: So DON`T DRINK and date !!! :D

There is nothing wrong with being shy - my husband was like that when we started dating and I found that cute and sexy :yes:
Flirting through physical means? I am not sure what you mean by that, but flirtation is by definition verbal. You have to reach certain degree of psychological closeness before you become physically involved - that is a must for me. At that stage physical intimacy won`t be a problem even for shy person like you - believe me.
I am guessing you are quite young. very early 20-ies? As you get older you gain experience and it gets much easier.
Happy dating ) :)

[Bella]

Uber try this approach.

Try to find a group that hangs out togather.
Those people can be from your work , your building or street , friends of a friend ..... and try get more closer with that group. People of your age are creating that kind of groups all the time.

In the group try to find NFs, they are your best hope.

Once you are more closer with the group it is easier to see what is actually in there.
And you will see which girl is available and the most compatibile with you

Once you know that you can start to make some plans.But don't go into a details just create general approach.

In group dinamic try to be little bit more closer to her then others (but not to close).
When others don't pay too much attention try to give her some tiny compliment or a joke.
Try to boost her self-esteem, especially after her fights with her mother.
But never come to close.

And don't forget to meke jokes on your own account, believe me women love that.
Try adapt this strategys to the person which you want to be your girlfriend.

After few weeks or months (depends on the case) some connection will exist.

When you get one on one with her and you know that you will have the time alone with her because you have moved from the group (what ever the cause is) you can start conversation in direction that is important to you.

Make sure that you don't do this in her or your home because that would make her uncomfortable. Don't be too direct/determined .

The worst that can happen is that she will say "no" but that is the risk you will have to take. Even if she says no that is not the end because there is always a factor that she will few days later give you a call in stile
"Sorry, I was a fool"

I hope that this makes some sense to you.

Wow, months and months of planning, huh......who knew.

[phoenix13]

Well, I always was passionate about movies and I wanted to be a filmmaker or screenwriter, but I was always told what an unrealistic goal that was, especially considering I've never actually made a movie. Plus, I'm just not good at writing , it's just that I've always had these mental images in my head that worked like movies. It was often based on movies I'd seen in the past, but I also used my mind to alter and expand. I didn't know exactly how to incorporate it into a screenplay.

When I graduated from high school, I wanted to eventually go to film school but I just had no way to get there, so I ended up going to community college. Eventually going there every fall and spring became a senseless routine of mine and I had lost sight of what I wanted. And to be honest, I no longer even know if being a filmmaker was ever as serious as my mind made it out to be. So I dropped out of school, because I was just wasting my parents' money and mostly just stuck around taking classes (many of which I failed) for health insurance benefits. So I just lost sight of everything. And eventually, I just stayed home. The thought of going back occurred to me, as I said, I have a few more classes I need to take to get an Associates Degree, but they are the classes I kept failing.

I just don't have a sense of direction.

And I also don't think I have the creativity to become what I dreamed of. So I'm just stuck at home playing on the computer and surfing the Internet.

Another problem that limits me is that I have the feeling inside of me that says I'm not allowed to do things that other people do. I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that I've always been treated as a child with special needs growing up and being under close watch from parental figures -- that thought still remains.

Once in a while, I'll have a fire of enthusiasm within me, but it never lasts long enough to make things happen. I quickly get bored of it.

I really don't know of the things I'm actually good at and what other people see in me that can be used as a tool for succeeding in life.

The red indicates a limitation declaration, and they're everywhere. You're being very honest and accepting of yourself. That's a promising sign. You mentioned some issues growing up that, along with the general sense of depression, make me think you should see a counselor. It's not cheesy, and I'm not saying you're crazy... afterall, this stuff isn't unique. I just think you'd have a lot to gain from someone who deals with this stuff for a living as opposed to random internet people.

The bold sounds promising. Have you thought about photography (as a hobby)? Usually the stuff we're interested in is the stuff we're good at. The fact that you've held on to the film dream makes me think it is serious, and could easily be a latent passion that brings you to life again. Get a camcorder. Start playing with it for fun- as a hobby. By the time you get your s#!t together, you'll probably be pretty good, and extra eager to learn. Remember, you're still young. There's more than enough time to make your dreams come true.

Anyway, that's just my non-professional advice. Use it as you wish, and good luck.

EDIT: Hey, you could join a film club! It wouldn't even have to be a film-makers club per se, but just a group of people passionate about film. That will in turn fuel your own passion which will help motivate you to get on the film-maker's track to victory! I think that would be worth the extra travel time, no?

[Uberfuhrer]

The problem with expressing these images in my mind is that professionals in arts and entertainment are going to ask me what I'm trying to say through them, and I'm usually not really trying to say something subliminal. They're just images in my head that are meaningless to others, but gratifying to me.

[Bella]

Uber, do you like to read? Book clubs maybe, they're full of relatively smart woman.
And I think you should go for a long walk every day. Rotting at home, in you own mind, without fresh air and different scenery is no good. Booya moon mentioned that it's great when a guy has a great sense of humor, and it is, but know it's not the be-all and end-all if you don't.

[Mighty Mouse]

You already are comfortable on this site... why don't you arrange a meet up in your area? I have no idea how many people live by you but even if it is one or two...so what? That might translate into one or two new friends... It would be a start and that's all you need. You need to start somewhere...

[Uberfuhrer]

You already are comfortable on this site... why don't you arrange a meet up in your area? I have no idea how many people live by you but even if it is one or two...so what? That might translate into one or two new friends... It would be a start and that's all you need. You need to start somewhere...

Actually, that's what I've been hoping would eventually happen. But there aren't any other regular posters here around Cleveland, I don't think.

And believe me, I am all in favor of long-distance relationships and I was partially using forum sites in hopes of attaining one that eventually end up in a meet-up. But so far, either everyone is taken or no one seems willing to form one with me.

But you're right, I'm much more comfortable interacting with people on the Internet...but unfortunately, it's hard to make it a reality.

[ajblaise]

But there aren't any other regular posters here around Cleveland, I don't think.

Can you really blame us?

Your central location could work to your favor though. You might not be close to anyone, but you're not incredibly far away from anyone as well.

[Mighty Mouse]

Have you posted a thread asking who would be interested in doing a Cleveland meet up? This is what I meant.

I am not suggesting long distance for you. You are already too secluded. I really think that unless you take steps to be with and around people, you and your limiting beliefs will continue to keep you locked up.

Social skills are just that...skills. It means you need to practice them and get comfortable using them.

I am just trying to see if I can think if something that you will actually do...

[Uberfuhrer]

Have you posted a thread asking who would be interested in doing a Cleveland meet up? This is what I meant.

I am not suggesting long distance for you. You are already too secluded. I really think that unless you take steps to be with and around people, you and your limiting beliefs will continue to keep you locked up.

Social skills are just that...skills. It means you need to practice them and get comfortable using them.

I am just trying to see if I can think if something that you will actually do...

Actually, I did a while ago. It never got off the ground. No one was willing to go to Cleveland. That and people tend to think I'm a freak could also have something to do with it.

But the fact is that I want an experience in which I can grow.

[Jack Flak]

The world is just a doorknob away. As I well know.

[lastrailway]

As a guy there is this quite simple thing you can do, to just go on and tell a girl that you like her/are interested. You have pretty much the same possibilities to succeed as you have with flirting and it's way simpler.
Just make a point to be sober when you're doing this.

[Mighty Mouse]

Actually, I did a while ago. It never got off the ground. No one was willing to go to Cleveland. That and people tend to think I'm a freak could also have something to do with it.

But the fact is that I want an experience in which I can grow.

As long as everything is a "but..."...there isn't a solution.

I was suggesting a meet up with even if it is one or two people. It is a growing experience. It is so that perhaps you can make some friends.

You need to start somewhere, Uber.

I know it means doing something you aren't used to and going out on a limb...but that's life.

[phoenix13]

As long as everything is a "but..."...there isn't a solution.

I was suggesting a meet up with even if it is one or two people. It is a growing experience. It is so that perhaps you can make some friends.

You need to start somewhere, Uber.

I know it means doing something you aren't used to and going out on a limb...but that's life.

Life is a swirling eddy of despair. :emot-emo: You've gotta be a healing machine, dude.

[Jack Flak]

I was suggesting a meet up with even if it is one or two people. It is a growing experience. It is so that perhaps you can make some friends.
Well, I would advise caution there. It has the potential to be awkward, even harmful to the psyche, and discouraging.

I know it means doing something you aren't used to and going out on a limb...but that's life.
I do advocate this however, in one way or another. Shock your system.

[Mighty Mouse]

Well, I would advise caution there. It has the potential to be awkward, even harmful to the psyche, and discouraging.


I do advocate this however, in one way or another. Shock your system.

Uber, I'll tell you what.

If you go through with this or attempt any other endeavor of being more social, I will offer you my professional help before and after wards free of charge. I will help you prepare for the situation and I will help you analyze it after wards so that is nothing more than a learning experience to be built upon.

My offer is on the table. It would be up to you to take an action and take me up on the service.

How does that sound?

[Uberfuhrer]

Uber, I'll tell you what.

If you go through with this or attempt any other endeavor of being more social, I will offer you my professional help before and after wards free of charge. I will help you prepare for the situation and I will help you analyze it after wards so that is nothing more than a learning experience to be built upon.

My offer is on the table. It would be up to you to take an action and take me up on the service.

How does that sound?

Well, I started the Cleveland meet-up thread.

[Mighty Mouse]

Well, I started the Cleveland meet-up thread.

I saw that. Good!

Out of curiosity, why did you add "this is only hypothetical"?

[Uberfuhrer]

I saw that. Good!

Out of curiosity, why did you add "this is only hypothetical"?

Well, I just don't know exactly when this would take place. Personally, if circumstances don't change, my schedule is 100 percent open. What I meant is that it's still in its development stage. I haven't really planned the details yet, I'm taking it step-by-step and considering what will work for other people, too, once they speak up.

[Mighty Mouse]

Well, I just don't know exactly when this would take place. Personally, if circumstances don't change, my schedule is 100 percent open. What I meant is that it's still in its development stage. I haven't really planned the details yet, I'm taking it step-by-step and considering what will work for other people, too, once they speak up.

Ok. Let's see if anything happens.

If it does, I'll help you work it out.

In the mean time, is there any other thing you would feel comfortable doing that would have you interacting with others socially?

[Uberfuhrer]

Ok. Let's see if anything happens.

I don't think anything will, given my reputation at this forum.

In the mean time, is there any other thing you would feel comfortable doing that would have you interacting with others socially?

Maybe, I'm just not sure what's out there.