My Big Gay INTP-ESFJ Wedding!

[Linds28]

Hi all,

New INTP here...marrying my honey next year, and would love some feedback about our pairing (mostly for sheer curiosity's sake...we are an awesome match, and deeply in love, so I'm not worried); I've seen some INTPs who seem to shudder at the idea of dating / marrying an ESFJ, though, so I'm wondering... why? My ESFJ is the bomb-dizzle!

Brief stats run down:

I'm mid-late 20's, she's early 30's. Going on three years together. I'm a teacher, she's corporate. I'm atheist / agnostic, she's a "cafeteria Catholic". We are, personality wise, complete opposites, yet we share many of the same interests. We play on the same softball team, and just love spending time with each other. We're both originally from the south, so have that background in common, which is nice.

I'm just wondering if any others have had great INTP-ESFJ pairings? I actually saw on a few websites that these "opposite" types are well suited, but then read many posts here that beg to differ.

...maybe it's because we're both female and that skews the typical pairing? Not sure. All I know is, though we bicker over small silly stuff, and approach the world in two drastically different ways, and we certainly aren't "perfect", our relationship is *amazing* and fulfilling for both of us.

Thoughts? Is it the gay thing, or can you just not put too much stock into types when love is involved?

[Ivy]

Maybe a bit of both? But I suspect mainly the latter. :)

Congratulations!

[Jennifer]

... Going on three years together. I'm a teacher, she's corporate. I'm atheist / agnostic, she's a "cafeteria Catholic". We are, personality wise, complete opposites, yet we share many of the same interests. We play on the same softball team, and just love spending time with each other. We're both originally from the south, so have that background in common, which is nice.

I'm just wondering if any others have had great INTP-ESFJ pairings? I actually saw on a few websites that these "opposite" types are well suited, but then read many posts here that beg to differ.

...maybe it's because we're both female and that skews the typical pairing? Not sure. All I know is, though we bicker over small silly stuff, and approach the world in two drastically different ways, and we certainly aren't "perfect", our relationship is *amazing* and fulfilling for both of us.

Thoughts? Is it the gay thing, or can you just not put too much stock into types when love is involved?

I have no idea, honestly.

I would say that it depends on the two specific people involved. In a het pairing, at least, some INTPs could not handle an ESFJ and vice versa, but others have been able to.

The bottom line:
Do you enjoy spending time with each other?
Can you be committed to each other?
Are you flexible enough to accept the differences in the other person no matter what conflicts arise?

Certainly, I think there are some typical male/female ways of viewing things (expectations) that can cause friction in a het relationship that might not be as strong as in a lesbian one. (Women usually don't need advice on how to read another woman, but they'll ask for it in understanding men; and vice versa.) Even if one of you would take a more masculine role, you'd still be more in sync in how you read each other, probably.

Anyway, congratulations. :)

[nottaprettygal]

Thoughts? Is it the gay thing, or can you just not put too much stock into types when love is involved?

I would go with not putting too much stock in types. However, another interesting thing to consider is your age difference. Maybe a younger ESFJ would drive you nuts, but perhaps she has developed more with age.

Just a thought.

[Linds28]

Well, I've always thought that the age difference is a good thing, for us. I'm the INTP wait for the "right one" type, so this is my first long term relationship, and since she's older and somewhat more experienced, she provides a nice balance in that way too.

Maybe a younger ESFJ would drive me nuts, as I don't like melodramatic, baseless emotional outbursts...lol. This one drives me crazy, though most in good ways. :)

Thanks to all for the congrats. I'm thrilled beyond belief to be so happy and stable and fulfilled in this relationship. I'm truly lucky / blessed.

[Martoon]

There have been statistical studies on MBTI type and relationships (I think they used things like length of the relationship/marriage, stated satisfaction in a survey, etc.). The only measurable correlation they indicated between type pairings and relationship success was N/S pairings. Two Ns or two Ss were more likely to have a successful relationship than an N and an S. The other components (T vs F, etc.) had no measurable correlation. The theory is that this is the primary determinant in how you think and communicate, so an extreme N and an extreme S would have difficulty communicating and understanding each other. But if the N and/or S were not very extreme, they can still have some communication. There's been some threads here discussing this, and it makes sense to me. I'm an extreme N, and while I find extreme Ss fascinating and entertaining people, I don't think I could be involved with one.

On the other hand, if you've been together 3 years, and you're as wild about her as you seem to indicate, and she reciprocates, I say screw the theory and statistics, and go for it. :yes:

[Jack Flak]

My money goes on one of you not being the listed type. But sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

[Linds28]

Thanks for the breakdown, Martoon. My second strongest area percentage wise was my "N" (62%), but her "S" was her weakest (only 12%), so maybe it's just a matter of degree? For me, my 'Te' is the most important, for her, her 'Fe'...so it's a nice, though practiced, balance.

Jack Flak, first of all, love your avatar! One of my fav. movies as a kid. Second, I'm definitely, decidedly INTP...no doubt about it. She is not a "strong" E or "S", but is definitely an "F" and her "J" was very high. I'd say it's probably the "stranger than fiction" in this case... (though none of this is an exact science, as we all know).

~L

[01011010]

Do you mean a commitment ceremony or actual marriage outside of NY? Last I checked, it isn't legal there yet. Type isn't always a factor. You've made it 3 years with your partner. You don't need a test or forum of people to tell you your compatible. T/F combo works really well. It can be very complimentary between two healthy individuals.

I've dated women for the last 10 years, I can't say being the same biological gender has that much influence over bringing two completely different types together. I personally have been with SFJs and it is too much for me. However, it doesn't matter what anyone else's experience has been. Just yours.

Congratulations, and best of luck.

[CzeCze]

More homos?

:holy:

Welcome! And congrats on your big gay totally opposite type wedding. :)

I have to say (I'm not sure how you identify) but with 'lesbians' I think there is a lot more flex and mutual sympathy...perhaps cultural identification (?) that helps a lot to smooth over potential tension points. Basically, I think women are more patient with each other and give each other more breaks -- at least at certain points of dating and relationships. But maybe I'm wrong.

I'll have to think about this more and revisit on a full stomach and clear head. :)

INTP-ESFJ...on paper it looks "interesting" but what's important is what is actually happening between you two and how you both feel about one another.

And social conditioning around sex/gender does I think make an impact on type expression. For instance male NF's generally have a harder time of it just because the way they naturally express themselves and experience the world is not within normal gender expectations.

Annnnnd, yeah opposite attract and can be very complementary to one another.

[Mondo]

According to Keirsey, the ENFJ is the best mate for the INTP.
So, the ESFJ must be pretty close.

[Jack Flak]

According to Keirsey, the ENFJ is the best mate for the INTP.
So, the ESFJ must be pretty close.
Non sequitur to the max; NONONO

[ygolo]

T For me, my 'Te' is the most important, for her, her 'Fe'...so it's a nice, though practiced, balance.

Are you using socionics?

Ti (not Te) is usually associated with I_TP types in the Myers-Briggs system.

[LostInNerSpace]

My brother's In-laws are an INTP-ESFJ couple. They seem to do well. ESFJs can be awesome. The problem is with ESFJs gone bad--they can be mean, nasty people.

[proteanmix]

My brother's In-laws are an INTP-ESFJ couple. They seem to do well. ESFJs can be awesome. The problem is with ESFJs gone bad--they can be mean, nasty people.

I'd think that's the case with any type gone bad, not just ESFJs. :yes:

Good for you Linds! I'd agree, you don't need to confirm your happy union...if it works for you two then I'm happy you have found love. It is nice to hear some positive things about opposite type relationships so thanks for sharing!!

[Linds28]

010101 -- Getting "married" in Alabama, by that I mean the cermony with 100 relatives from FL and AL (we grew up 45 minutes from each other but didn't meet until adults in NYC). My future mother-in-law very cutely asked if we wanted her to go to the courthouse and get the legal docs for us...we told her...ummm...not legal in AL...but still, very cute and sweet. We'll do the legal paperwork in MA and thanks to our new governor, it will be recognized in NY! Whoot!

Cze -- I def think the fact that we are both women makes us more patient with each others differences, and I must confess a soft spot for her soft spots...emotionally, perverts! (wink). Also, I completely agree about the male NF thing, my honey doesn't have that pressure not to be who she is.

[Linds28]

Not using Soc, just still getting used to the terminology. What I meant was, to me, my T (or thinking side) is the most important letter, more dominant (again, to me) than my I-ness or anything else. For her, it's her F, and by that I mean her default is to go with the F in most cases. She's not a strong E, thankfully, it's just that our mutual southern upbrining took root in her much more fully! :) I'm thankful for it, as a recipient, and thankful too that it didn't take such a strong hold of me... we like our balance.

[Linds28]

Thanks Protean,

It is really great. I told my best friend after a month of dating my gf that "I'm going to marry this girl!" It was said with a bit of bewilderment at the time, as I'd never even said the "L world" to anyone before (quite purposefully), but also a wonderful fealing of certainty and joy. Three years later, and it just gets better and better. (Bleh, I sound like a Halmark card...ok, schmoopy time over)

The opposites thing really can work, so for you naysayers...give it a shot...you might be pleasantly surprised! I always thought my "type" would be a fellow english major / writer / poet / philosopher / thinker type, someone very rationale and abstract...my honey couldn't be farther from that if you threw her, yet I wouldn't trade her for a braniac in Angelina Jolie's body for 'nuthin. :)
Besides, how can you beat a girl that watches women's volleyball with you and drools with you over Misty May's fantastic...assets!?

~L

[IEE623]

INTP in MBTI is INTj in socionics. and according to socionics type relations, you guys are each other's dual. Duality is the most ideal match =) Relations of Duality between psychological ("personality") types (http://www.socionics.com/rel/dlt.htm)

Congratulations

[LucrativeSid]

Hah! Your enthusiasm is inspiring! I smiled from reading this. I think that an ESFJ and INTP can make a great pair. On top of that, I don't put much value into using the MBTI for romantic relationships. It's not just a case of an INTP with an ESFJ, it's a case of you with her. It's personal. Anybody can fall in love with anybody and have a great relationship, I think. Congratulations.

[Linds28]

Thanks, Lucrative! I definitely view the MB types as more info for each of us as individuals, and it doesn't really influence our relationship (the text / theory, that is). We do have a nice balance, and we're both very happy, so why mess with it? :) The thread started, for me, because I saw so many INTPs (most on other boards / places) who said they hated ESFJ's, and I didn't understand it, since mine is freakin' awesome and we're both wishing like crazy that next July was here already (wedding day)...

~L

[oasispaw]

i'm an isfj dating an intp. we have amazing chemistry and get along with each other great! we've only been together for 9 months, but we've yet to have a fight. disagreements sure, but nothing beyond a heated discussion ever results. we both feel free to discuss any subject whether it might make the other uneasy or if we know the other has an opposing viewpoint.

i think this dynamic has come from our mutual quest for knowledge, good bad or ugly, and that if either of us have a concern or question, we simply bring it up and talk about it. nothing has festered to the point of explosion. maybe a little bubbling...

we also share a similar sense of humor, are somewhat mature for our ages (he's 25, i'm 28), and are both pretty garsh darn open minded.

i know it's not the exact same match up (though i'm a little less introverted than he is...), but i wanted to share. i hope you're as happy as me, you sure sound like it! :cheers:

[kyuuei]

So to throw my 2 cents in..

I believe that the personality type thing is like technology. It's a potentially wonderful way of helping people connect, get information, and understand the world and people around them better, but if you invest too much into it it becomes an ugly thing as well and before you know it your 12 year old is asking to watch Oprah and typing 'u' and 'kthnx'. I wouldn't invest into this so much that you base relationships on this, but rather help a relationship already established by understanding what type of person they are so you know why they do what they do. Im fairly new to this, but from what I've seen it's a great tool, like a ruler, but when painting, rulers aren't always the first tool to grab.

Congrats on your engagement, I do believe that women have a greater ability to flex and understand each other, so I believe it may play a factor... but honestly, if you had the same personality type and gender, I don't know if you two would have as much fun with each other! Having such opposite personalities may be an asset to your relationship, keeping everything fresh and different! Who knows, but what is important is that the two of you are happy.

[substitute]

Haha, I'll join the rest of the non-straight community here in giving first my congratulations, second asking what on earth is a cafeteria Catholic, and third, musing that it's funny how, in lieu of being able to go for someone of the opposite sex, you've gone for the opposite type instead :laugh: