Men: How would a woman know...

[Hmm]

If she is "friend zoned"?

[Silently Honest]

There is no friend zone for guys.

We wonder why ladies have them.

In fact we wonder why they exist at all.

[cafe]

I don't know about that, SH. I have a friend that has been friend-zoned by a guy she would like to be more than friends with. His preference is for women in a different age group and of a different body shape than my friend has. She seems to think that he'll eventually see the error of his ways, but I have my doubts.

[sych0]

I second that.
edit: SH's sentiment that is

[Ivy]

There is no friend zone for guys.

We wonder why ladies have them.

In fact we wonder why they exist at all.

Uh, you're joking right? Funny fat girls get friendlisted ALL the time.

[Silently Honest]

I don't know about that, SH. I have a friend that has been friend-zoned by a guy she would like to be more than friends with. His preference is for women in a different age group and of a different body shape than my friend has. She seems to think that he'll eventually see the error of his ways, but I have my doubts.

So he's not intrested in a romantic relationship, but a strictly platonic relationship. Actually now that I think about I remember having a few friends I decided I didn't have any romantic feelings for, but still found them to be good friends.

So yeah you're right. You probably didn't need me to tell you that though.:blush:

Uh, you're joking right? Funny fat girls get friendlisted ALL the time.
Yeah they do, If I had penny for everyone of those I have. :D

...Woo.

[Jughead]

I'm perpetually friendzoned and I'm not even remotely fat.

[Magic Poriferan]

Hmmm... It's certainly not always a fast decision for me. It can take me a long time to decide that someone should only be my friend.

Largely, my intereaction with female friends and romantic prospects is about the same. I think it's fairly obvious when I'm open to a relationship, though. I do a lot more complimenting, and a lot verbal play... basically just flirting. It's really that simple with me. No flirting means, I'm not looking for anything more than friendship. Flirting means I'm interested in something more.

It's possible for someone to get out of this so-called "friend-zone", though it depends on the kind of person. Usually, if I'm quick in my decision to stick to friendship with someone, they are stuck there. Some important factor has made me decisive.

But if it takes a long time for me to make the decision, then the girl in subject usually has a much higher chance of getting out of the "friend-zone" as well. I'm not so sure of my decision in these cases.

[Jack Flak]

If she is "friend zoned"?
I'd make it more complicated if I could, but if you proposition him and are declined, there you go. You can't be sure if he's not hitting on you, because he could be shy or polite.

[runvardh]

I tend to be the one getting friend zoned rather than doing the friend zoning, so I have nothing practical to go by. I'm usually pleasantly surprised when a female friend would be tempted to take it in that direction. I do avoid girls who are approaching spherical or practically spilling out of their clothes. Typically if they've gone that far there's a likely hood they won't be interested in the things I like doing anyway.

I guess the only indication I can think of is how often I seek a girl's company and how much force of will it takes for me to leave that company.

[GZA]

:laugh: A women wouldn't know because it isn't possible.

Hmm, you know the ladder theory. Despite it's satirical nature, it describes this all fairly well; there arn't friends, just girls who we don't find as attractive as others and are bassically treated as friends while other, more prefered options are saught after.

So, to put it bluntly, theoretically any time a women appears to be "friendzoned", the man would rather just go for some other women he is more attracted to and beleives he can get.

[disregard]

Isn't it fairly intuitable?

[spirilis]

If I know they won't be offended by such things, I would make totally perverse jokes at/around them without much sense of care for how it makes me look to them. That's me with platonic friends when there's nothing better to talk about.

Around a potential mate, though, I am far more self-conscious (makes me seem awkward unfortunately) and also highly observant of details about them.

[Hmm]

:laugh: A women wouldn't know because it isn't possible.

Hmm, you know the ladder theory. Despite it's satirical nature, it describes this all fairly well; there arn't friends, just girls who we don't find as attractive as others and are bassically treated as friends while other, more prefered options are saught after.

So, to put it bluntly, theoretically any time a women appears to be "friendzoned", the man would rather just go for some other women he is more attracted to and beleives he can get.


This is true. I do know how the ladder theory works. In that case, what makes a guy talk to a woman about other women he is attracted to and/or pursuing? I get that A LOT from guys. I don't know what it is but something about me makes guys want to talk to me about their romantic problems and it immediately makes me think that I am just a friend to him.

If I liked a guy, I would never start talking about another guy I liked to him.

[Thursday]

how would you know if you are in the friend zone ?

he treats you like one of the guys ?

this is speculative, hence the ?uestion mark

[Little Linguist]

Not a guy, but here's my view as a fellow woman: Be open, honest, and natural. If the guy doesn't want you, ferk him! You'll find someone better.

I can totally FEEL when someone has a romantic interest or not. Nowadays, I do not care. But back then I did not really give a crap either. I was just myself :-))). I figure if it is meant to happen, it will.

'Course I could be full of it, but that's what I think.

Oddly enough, because of my nature, guys usually show their feelings right away to me if they have any. I do not know why - it simply is that way.

Other guys are just farts, don't know what they want, and aren't worth my time. :cool:

[substitute]

I guess I'd second SH's first comment on this thread, except for me it's somewhat more complicated due to religious vows and stuff as well... which although I've recently taken a sabbatical as it were on those, I'm so used to thinking that way that it's hard to even imagine myself otherwise...

But anyway, I do know one particular woman who I've always thought I'd like to give it a chance with, except that what's stopped me from going anywhere near her is that I know her life is entirely ruled by her mother, her dogs and her mother's dogs, and that isn't likely to change. I don't want my life ruled by them, and I don't want to spend my life being second fiddle to them. I learned the hard way through one bad marriage (and subsequent divorce) to look more carefully at the potential in-laws and the intended's relationship with them, in future.

Incidentally Ivy, this woman is fat and funny, but like I say if her mother and the dogs weren't in the equation I'd propose to her.

The only other reason might be if the woman was y'know, a bit unhinged. I can handle it fine if someone's just sorta 'bruised' from a hard life, hard times etc, but if they've actually come a bit undone from it and won't admit it or get help, that's a person that'll stay on my friend list until/unless they get themselves sorted out.

For me marriage is about teamwork and partnership, about two people joining forces to achieve their goals in life in an atmosphere of comfortable and happy companionship. It's not about a basketcase latching onto a 'strong person' and expecting that to solve their problems...

I guess I don't really think of things 'less serious' than marriage... I mean it's not like the minute I'm involved with someone I'd expect us to be planning the marriage, but that is where I always would hope it'd end up. I don't understand at all people who get into relationships with no intention at all of it being permanent.

[colmena]

I wouldn't say there's anyone I couldn't fall in love with. Friends first is the only way it can work, for me.

[CaptainChick]

I "friend-zone" guys when I am neither sexually nor romantically interested in them. I don't see why the reverse, (a guy "friend-zoning" a girl), would not also be true.

Though, I do think men, (and some women), can and do have strictly sexual relationships with clueless/ignorant/delusional partners who expect or desire something more, i.e. a romantic relationship despite there having been explicit discussion of the casual terms of the relationship.

^ I don't know how the above actually relates to the OP, but it just kinda came up in my mind when I thought about it. ;)

[CaptainChick]

Not a guy, but here's my view as a fellow woman: Be open, honest, and natural. If the guy doesn't want you, ferk him! You'll find someone better.

I can totally FEEL when someone has a romantic interest or not. Nowadays, I do not care. But back then I did not really give a crap either. I was just myself :-))). I figure if it is meant to happen, it will.

'Course I could be full of it, but that's what I think.

Oddly enough, because of my nature, guys usually show their feelings right away to me if they have any. I do not know why - it simply is that way.

Other guys are just farts, don't know what they want, and aren't worth my time. :cool:
:ENFPHIGHFIVE:

:hug:

I relate, and I think this is great advice!

[cafe]

This is true. I do know how the ladder theory works. In that case, what makes a guy talk to a woman about other women he is attracted to and/or pursuing? I get that A LOT from guys. I don't know what it is but something about me makes guys want to talk to me about their romantic problems and it immediately makes me think that I am just a friend to him.

If I liked a guy, I would never start talking about another guy I liked to him.
This is probably really old-fashioned and sexist, but if you are the settling down type or you give off that vibe you can get friend-zoned, not because you aren't attractive, etc, but because the guys aren't at that stage in their lives yet. If you really are the settling down type, it's nice because it weeds out the ones you don't want. Otherwise, it's probably a pain in the rear.

[substitute]

:ENFPHIGHFIVE:

:hug:

I relate, and I think this is great advice!

I dunno, it sounds to me sorta tantamount to saying that if a guy isn't interested in you romantically then he's an inferior being not worth your time? :huh:

cafe - I'm the settling down type, most definitely. not picket fences and 2.4 children necessarily, more like travelling the world, living in camper vans etc - but together, with one partner permanently. I hate stability in my external circumstances but in relationships whether romantic or not, I greatly value constancy and permanency.

[CaptainChick]

Not inferior, per se, but certainly not worth your time.

One should romantically pursue someone who actually *likes* them, no? :huh:

[substitute]

Not inferior, per se, but certainly not worth your time.

One should romantically pursue someone who actually *likes* them, no? :huh:

well yeah if you put it like that, but the way you said it was like if they're not romantically interested then you're not interested in them AT ALL, like not even as friends! lol

[colmena]

I "friend-zone" guys when I am neither sexually nor romantically interested in them. I don't see why the reverse, (a guy "friend-zoning" a girl), would not also be true.

Because I can develop the sexual/romantic interest.

I'm not good enough with people to get to know someone I'm sexually inclined towards.

I think my way benefits the longterm, anyway. I like to find something positively fatalist in that :)

(Although I could see it working if a confident woman jumped me. Because then I assume she would be emotionally secure and will take reasonable responsibility).

[JivinJeffJones]

I agree with SH. Guys have no real FZ. The closest thing we really have is girls we aren't attracted to. But in terms of girls we consider attractive, I don't think they will ever be ruled out of contention unless there are conditions involved which would make romance impossible. Being married, for instance. Being the gf of your best friend. Stuff like that. The FZ to me is when a woman considers a particular guy who she may or may not be initially attracted to ineligible for romance because the relationship has developed in more of a friendship direction, thereby changing the way she looks at him. Therefore she is no longer attracted to him. I'm not sure what's involved in the process. If a guy is initially attracted to a girl and she does nothing to counterbalance that attractiveness behaviourally, he'll probably remain attracted to her no matter how long they're friends.

In short, if all other factors are equal, if a guy wants to just be friends he's probably not really that into you. Or he isn't aware that romance is an option. Sorry.

[FDG]

I would tell her directly if there was an hint (from her side) of wanting our relationship to cross the friends level.

However, I would do absolutely nothing if this was not present.

[colmena]

Is there a way of not letting the lack of reciprocated sexual desire be awkward?
(assuming you still want a relationship of one sort or another)

[JivinJeffJones]

Is there a way of not letting the lack of reciprocated sexual desire be awkward?
(assuming you still want a relationship of one sort or another)

Tell her she's in the Friend Zone (lie). Or, if necessary, tell her she's very attractive but not your type.


So...probably not.

[Ivy]

Serious, non-snarky question: What's the difference between the Friend Zone and "women you're not attracted to sexually"? I mean, if you're hanging out with girls in the second category, aren't they, like, friends?

[runvardh]

This is true. I do know how the ladder theory works. In that case, what makes a guy talk to a woman about other women he is attracted to and/or pursuing? I get that A LOT from guys. I don't know what it is but something about me makes guys want to talk to me about their romantic problems and it immediately makes me think that I am just a friend to him.

If I liked a guy, I would never start talking about another guy I liked to him.

You have been friend zoned, move on. That's what I do, I don't have the energy or time to compete with the flashy bling bling.

[digesthisickness]

This is true. I do know how the ladder theory works. In that case, what makes a guy talk to a woman about other women he is attracted to and/or pursuing? I get that A LOT from guys. I don't know what it is but something about me makes guys want to talk to me about their romantic problems and it immediately makes me think that I am just a friend to him.

If I liked a guy, I would never start talking about another guy I liked to him.

a guy who does that is making it clear that he sees you as nothing more than a friend. either on purpose or not, that's what he's doing.

a guy who is interested in you wants to get to know you, not use you (again, on purpose or not) to get to know or analyze another girl.

[runvardh]

Too bad girls can use male friends to pick up like guys can use female friends to pick up. That's one nice thing about having (especially hot) female friends, is when you walk into a place and she's acting like your good people you get noticed, as a guy.

[Snail]

I don't understand at all people who get into relationships with no intention at all of it being permanent.

I agree. It doesn't make any sense to me, either.

I get friend-zoned all the time because I'm the stereotypical "ugly girl with a nice personality." Being nice or interesting doesn't count for much, and even when it does, it isn't usually sexualized. The only guys I put in my friend-zone are there for reasons involving things they choose and control, such as being married, being promiscuous, being arrogant, being superficial, being materialistic, being controlling, or being insensitive. If someone isn't comfortable for me to be around all of the time, as would occur in a permanent relationship, then he cannot move out of the friend zone. I have to know that we don't clash horribly. When I find a man that I think I could stand to be around for the rest of my life, usually he does not find me attractive for some reason. I'm picky and so are the kinds of men I tend to choose. We take relationships too seriously to be willing to settle.

[substitute]

I'm ridiculously picky. And the ones I fall for have all so far been ones who considered themselves "ugly" or undesirable. And I've had a hell of a time because they just won't believe me that I totally don't see the world that way... whatever way it is that has a guy write a girl off because of... whatever it is.

runvardh I relate to your "no energy or inclination to compete" philosophy lol about the worst thing someone could do to get my attention is to try to make me jealous. they'd just move right off my radar the minute I saw them with someone else. I don't do competition in that sense at all and I've too much self-esteem to feel at all inclined to jump through hoops to impress someone. If they're not interested with me just being myself then that's that. Cos if we got together and lived together eventually, then myself is all they'd get and if that's not enough then I'm not gonna revolve my life around trying to be something else just cos I made the mistake of being that thing to bag them in the first place. Once you start living a lie you gotta maintain it. I had a bellyful of that in my life so it's either genuine all the way or we move on.

[Little Linguist]

:ENFPHIGHFIVE:

:hug:

I relate, and I think this is great advice!

:ENFPHIGHFIVE:

Thanks, hon! :D

[Little Linguist]

I guess I'd second SH's first comment on this thread, except for me it's somewhat more complicated due to religious vows and stuff as well... which although I've recently taken a sabbatical as it were on those, I'm so used to thinking that way that it's hard to even imagine myself otherwise...

But anyway, I do know one particular woman who I've always thought I'd like to give it a chance with, except that what's stopped me from going anywhere near her is that I know her life is entirely ruled by her mother, her dogs and her mother's dogs, and that isn't likely to change. I don't want my life ruled by them, and I don't want to spend my life being second fiddle to them. I learned the hard way through one bad marriage (and subsequent divorce) to look more carefully at the potential in-laws and the intended's relationship with them, in future.

Incidentally Ivy, this woman is fat and funny, but like I say if her mother and the dogs weren't in the equation I'd propose to her.

The only other reason might be if the woman was y'know, a bit unhinged. I can handle it fine if someone's just sorta 'bruised' from a hard life, hard times etc, but if they've actually come a bit undone from it and won't admit it or get help, that's a person that'll stay on my friend list until/unless they get themselves sorted out.

For me marriage is about teamwork and partnership, about two people joining forces to achieve their goals in life in an atmosphere of comfortable and happy companionship. It's not about a basketcase latching onto a 'strong person' and expecting that to solve their problems...

I guess I don't really think of things 'less serious' than marriage... I mean it's not like the minute I'm involved with someone I'd expect us to be planning the marriage, but that is where I always would hope it'd end up. I don't understand at all people who get into relationships with no intention at all of it being permanent.

I agree entirely!!! :-)

[Little Linguist]

I dunno, it sounds to me sorta tantamount to saying that if a guy isn't interested in you romantically then he's an inferior being not worth your time? :huh:

cafe - I'm the settling down type, most definitely. not picket fences and 2.4 children necessarily, more like travelling the world, living in camper vans etc - but together, with one partner permanently. I hate stability in my external circumstances but in relationships whether romantic or not, I greatly value constancy and permanency.

Nooo, that is not what I mean. What I mean is: If you *are* romantically interested in the guy and the guy is not, rather than being all whaaa whaaa whaaa about it, one should accept it and say, "Okay, fine. Something better will come." I'm a strong believer in the motto that "Everything happens for a reason," so if it is not meant to be, there is a reason for it. I just have to wait and it will become apparent to me at some point.

If neither of you are romantically interested in each other, cool beans, no worries. That does not mean that I don't like guys who aren't interested in me romantically; on the contrary, that is not what I want because I already have the man for me. I was referring to women who pine after men who have friend-listed them. Screw 'em if they can't see your value and whatever. Be a friend to them but don't PINE after them like an injured weasel.

And if the guy IS romantically interested in me, I let him know, "That is kind and sweet, but I am married and that is that. No affairs here."

Now if he cannot accept that, then *yeah* he has to go where the sun don't shine. But only if he cannot accept the fact that I am married and do not want anything with anyone else other than my husband. See what I mean?

Related to your answer to Cafe, I agree entirely. Although I am quite cool with moving, changing jobs, getting new skills, and meeting new people as friends and acquaintances, I have to be sure of two things:

1) The security of my relationship with my husband; that he loves me and is happy with our situation.

2) That our financial situation is secure. Everything else you can adapt to, but if you do not have any financial cushion, that really blows.

[runvardh]

I'm ridiculously picky. And the ones I fall for have all so far been ones who considered themselves "ugly" or undesirable. And I've had a hell of a time because they just won't believe me that I totally don't see the world that way... whatever way it is that has a guy write a girl off because of... whatever it is.

I have this trouble too, sometimes I wonder if I should just go for the perfect hour glass and the pretty face just so she will believe me when I say I want her... ><

[substitute]

I have this trouble too, sometimes I wonder if I should just go for the perfect hour glass and the pretty face just so she will believe me when I say I want her... ><

yeah actually those types put me off... the more superficially attractive someone is the harder they have to work to get my attention really, to prove there's something inside that's livable with once the novelty of the exterior's worn off. I dunno, I think it's possible to tell a lot about a person by what they put a) their time and b) their money into. If someone seems to put a lot of time and money into their appearance, that spells bad news to me... and TROUBLE in future.

A bookcase full of well-thumbed books and a spark of recognition in the eyes when obscure subjects are brought up (rather than the glazed look of the bimbo lol) will make a MUCH stronger impression on me than any designer name emblazoned on the chest. The kind of person who'd pay a fortune (and perhaps potentially spend a fortune out of MY hardearned... lol) to be a walking advertisement for some fashion designer is... well, not for me :D

Little Linguist - that's perfectly understandable and reasonable, I agree with all of that. It's just, the way Chick put it to begin with sounded like she was sorta saying if a guy she's interseted in isn't interested in her that makes him a loser, like it's a reflection on the guy somehow, to judge him by. I see I just got the wrong end of the stick now :)

[runvardh]

Yeah, that's why I only wonder but haven't actually done it. It's the "I'm not good enough for you" attitude that seems to keep me single though and it pisses me off to no end. It would be nice to find people where I'm at in life, really nice...

[Tallulah]

I think girls get friendzoned a lot when they're coming on too strong or, like, as Cafe said, if the guy's getting "I want a man to marry and have babies with!" vibe from them.

Agree with Little Linguist and sub. You don't want anyone who doesn't want you. Why would you want someone that you'd have to trick into liking you? I learned that one a loooooong time ago.

sub--is it possible, though, that the woman in question is focused on her mom and her dogs so much because she's not in a relationship? Priorities do tend to change when you fall in love. Though if you're the type to get jealous of the time someone spends with a pet, it's probably best not to date a big-time animal lover.

[cafe]

Well, what I was saying was more that some men differentiate between the kinds of girls they want to date and the kids of girls they would consider marrying. If they are looking for a dating girl and you seem more like a marrying girl, you'll get friend-zoned. The opposite is also true.

I don't know how many times guys told friends of mine that they wanted to marry a girl like me someday, but did I get asked out?? I only dated two guys, both of whom planned on marrying me, but the first decided he should put me on hold for a couple of years first. :wtf:

The second, like me, was pretty much born ready to settle down and we've been happily settled down together a long time now.

[tenINsFJ]

I "friend-zone" guys when I am neither sexually nor romantically interested in them. I don't see why the reverse, (a guy "friend-zoning" a girl), would not also be true.

Though, I do think men, (and some women), can and do have strictly sexual relationships with clueless/ignorant/delusional partners who expect or desire something more, i.e. a romantic relationship despite there having been explicit discussion of the casual terms of the relationship.

^ I don't know how the above actually relates to the OP, but it just kinda came up in my mind when I thought about it. ;)

TOTALLY AGREE!! How come guys can't have a friend zone girl without the girl getting all pissy(as some of you are in the thread)?

Maybe it's because I'm an INFJ, but the moment I meet ANY girl, no matter how beautiful she is, how nice of a body she has, how nice and caring she is etc, I automatically put her into a "friend zone" for months or as long as any platonic relationship will last.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being in a friend zone either...

But after a couple months, If I do become interested(because I'm comfortable with the person and trust them), I'll hold their hand to let them know I like them and things like that.

But mostly, if a girl becomes a guys friend zone permanently, why would you get angry and want to tell him to EFF off and find someone better? As a girl, how many times have you had a guy like you and always talk to you, yet you had him in a friend zone and enjoyed his company as a friend? Would you have liked it if he told you to screw off? No. That's a friendship no matter what.

[substitute]

sub--is it possible, though, that the woman in question is focused on her mom and her dogs so much because she's not in a relationship? Priorities do tend to change when you fall in love. Though if you're the type to get jealous of the time someone spends with a pet, it's probably best not to date a big-time animal lover.

Nu-uh. I've seen her go through three relationships since I've known her where the guy has taken it up to *here* before finally walking out because EVERYTHING anyone ever plans with her ends up being dropped or ruined because her mother can call absolutely any time and demand she be there RIGHT NOW to walk/sit with/feed (by hand) her spoilt bloody mutts! lol The mother's crazy and the dogs are wayyyyy too pampered and this hasn't so far changed regardless of any external situation. She's ruined entire vacations she's taken with friends because everything's had to stop so she could go back to her mom and the dogs half way through the week, meaning everyone else had to go home too because she was the wheels!

Over the years I've been trying to support her and help her get out from under her mom's thumb and put the dogs in a more realistic perspective, but I kinda drew the line when she then actually remortgaged her own house to pay her mom's debts!! These debts having been incurred by importing rare breeds of dog that she spends a fortune on. It drives her dad crazy as well and I don't know whether I'm in awe and respect of his patience or contempt of his spinelessness...

It's really sad because she's a fantastic girl aside from all this, when you get her away from that zoo she's the most pleasant person to spend time with you can imagine... but it's not like we're talking about just 'seeing past' a mole on her face or something... lol this is a full-on 'rule your life' situation!

FRIENDZONED!!

[Magic Poriferan]

a guy who does that is making it clear that he sees you as nothing more than a friend. either on purpose or not, that's what he's doing.

a guy who is interested in you wants to get to know you, not use you (again, on purpose or not) to get to know or analyze another girl.

Well, I find this statement really dubious.

On the conscious level, I might tell someone I'm interested in about these things. I'm usually not inclined to babble at anyone about it. It's more or less a sign that I'm opening up a bit.

Aside from that, I don't think there is really unintentional using going on. I mean, yeah, I'm going to want to know a lot about the other person, but I can't just be constantly talking about her. I don't know if I've met anyone that enjoys being mugged with personal questions all day and night. Sometimes the other person(that would be me in this case) needs to do some of the talking. Especially if I ask about her relationships. Then it becomes quid pro quo for me to explain my history.

Now, maybe I'm slightly different from what you were talking about, because I don't ask for analysis about other girls. It's more of a backstory than advice seeking. I don't recall asking anybody I was interested in for advice(though some seem inclined to give it anyway). In general, I usually don't ask for advice about that.

So, to summarize, I think what you said was an over-generalization and a misunderstanding.

[EffEmDoubleyou]

I agree with SH. Guys have no real FZ. The closest thing we really have is girls we aren't attracted to. But in terms of girls we consider attractive, I don't think they will ever be ruled out of contention unless there are conditions involved which would make romance impossible. Being married, for instance. Being the gf of your best friend. Stuff like that. The FZ to me is when a woman considers a particular guy who she may or may not be initially attracted to ineligible for romance because the relationship has developed in more of a friendship direction, thereby changing the way she looks at him. Therefore she is no longer attracted to him. I'm not sure what's involved in the process. If a guy is initially attracted to a girl and she does nothing to counterbalance that attractiveness behaviourally, he'll probably remain attracted to her no matter how long they're friends.

+1

Ivy's contention that Silently Honest's post was laughable is I think more a matter of reasoning than of fact. Men view banishment to the FZ as an illogical decision by the woman. If she isn't immediately attracted to him or if he waits too long to make a move, he's in it, and can never get out even if he is well suited for the woman. In the case of men putting a fat or unnattractive woman in the FZ, at least there is a reason. It's not a very noble or gentlemanly reason, but at least it can be understood. Men view a woman's FZ as akin to the Gestapo rounding you up and sending you to the gulag without a trial or even a reading of the charges.

[cafe]

+1

Ivy's contention that Silently Honest's post was laughable is I think more a matter of reasoning than of fact. Men view banishment to the FZ as an illogical decision by the woman. If she isn't immediately attracted to him or if he waits too long to make a move, he's in it, and can never get out even if he is well suited for the woman. In the case of men putting a fat or unnattractive woman in the FZ, at least there is a reason. It's not a very noble or gentlemanly reason, but at least it can be understood. Men view a woman's FZ as akin to the Gestapo rounding you up and sending you to the gulag without a trial or even a reading of the charges.
There is a reason. It's just more subtle than "I don't like fat chicks" or "I don't like flat-chested chicks." Men tend to be more visual. It's kind of simple.

Women are sometimes more complex. If a man is overly passive, can he be depended upon to provide and protect? Also, there have been studies showing that women unconsciously use scent to select mates that are genetically compatible. She might not even know why there's no chemistry and she can't help it if her nose knows a guy's not genetically compatible.

I don't see how one is superior to the other and I can see how both things could be biologically based.

[pure_mercury]

I am a male and I have a friend zone. There are actually some very hot girls in it, too.

[heart]

Uh, you're joking right? Funny fat girls get friendlisted ALL the time.

I hear this, but I remember high school when it seemed like the chubby girls always had a bf and hear them laughing and having a great time with them all the time, necks dotted with love marks and all hand holding and touchy feely etc. When they broke up with one, another took his place in short order, they were in hot demand. (This was in the south btw so maybe its different in other places.)

I have a hard time beliving that men are truly biased against fat, funny girls. I am not trying to be a pain or disrespectful, but I just wonder how true the stereotype is in real life because from what I could see fat girls got a lot of love. :huh:

I was like 100 pounds and totally invisible!

[substitute]

yeah heart, I don't know about the rest of the world but the three fattest women I know, two are married and one never seems to have had trouble finding boyfriends, though she's single now because she dumped the last one!

I've also known quite a few women, conversely, who had nothing 'wrong' with their appearance, but yet somehow just didn't fit in with the other girls for one reason or another and they've tended to be left on the shelf. And it's not to do with being geeky either, cos the she-geeks i've known have all paired off with he-geeks pretty easily lol

Yeah I don't like the stereotype either that men are all shallow and obsessed with appearances or attractive, conventional bodies. Especially in light of my own experience... I think it's sort of a bit like racism to think that way, y'know I think good people, bad people, shallow people, deep people, bright people, dumb people... they come in all shapes, sizes, genders and races. I don't think any one group has the monopoly on these things...

[Lateralus]

There is no friend zone for guys.

We wonder why ladies have them.

In fact we wonder why they exist at all.
I have a friend zone. It consists of women whose company I enjoy, but I'm not physically/sexually attracted to. There are some other exceptions, but that's the general rule.

[Magic Poriferan]

Yeah I don't like the stereotype either that men are all shallow and obsessed with appearances or attractive, conventional bodies. Especially in light of my own experience... I think it's sort of a bit like racism to think that way, y'know I think good people, bad people, shallow people, deep people, bright people, dumb people... they come in all shapes, sizes, genders and races. I don't think any one group has the monopoly on these things...

Well, praise lord!

[Edahn]

Here's a little ad hoc list:

1. He talks to you about relationship problems he has.
2. He doesn't want to hang out with you alone, or, if he does, he doesn't really give you his total attention and might talk about other chicks.
3. He doesn't look nervous at all. He's vulnerable around you. Haha. True in most cases.
4. He doesn't make a lot of body contact, save for hugging.
5. He tells you you're in "the friend zone."
6. He never offers to pay, or, if he does, expect you to pay him back.
7. He draws boundaries that he actually sticks to regarding how close you get to avoid giving you the wrong idea.

There are two problems that I'm thinking of. One is that sometimes people are shuttled into the friend zone because the other person can't handle intimacy/vulnerability. The friendship is a way to protect against rejection and/or being engulfed by the other person. Another is that people really belong in the friend zone but are given mixed messages because the guy likes the attention. The mixed messages are used to string you along.

Two options: One, you tell us what's going on. Two, you just go up to him and say: "yo, what the fuck? I'm not really sure how to read you. I don't want to rush you, but I'd like to know where things are at with us romantically, if at all." Then pass him a note that says "Do you have any romantic interest in me? [ ]yes [ ]no (check one)" Just don't let him dick you around.

[Ivy]

I hear this, but I remember high school when it seemed like the chubby girls always had a bf and hear them laughing and having a great time with them all the time, necks dotted with love marks and all hand holding and touchy feely etc. When they broke up with one, another took his place in short order, they were in hot demand. (This was in the south btw so maybe its different in other places.)

I have a hard time beliving that men are truly biased against fat, funny girls. I am not trying to be a pain or disrespectful, but I just wonder how true the stereotype is in real life because from what I could see fat girls got a lot of love. :huh:

I was like 100 pounds and totally invisible!

Well, I didn't mean to imply that funny fat girls never get any play, or that no other girls get friendlisted. I'm a funny fat girl and I'm married to a hot dude. :D But back when I was dating, it seemed like I got friendlisted an awful lot. Guys would actually say things like "you're so awesome, and you've got such a pretty face, if only you were thinner," and if I asked them out I usually got "I just don't like you like that." I even had a guy tell me (this was in college after I met the man who would later be my husband, not when I was dating) that he was glad to have me as a friend because I wasn't pretty and therefore didn't intimidate him.

[Maabus1999]

There is no friend zone for guys.

We wonder why ladies have them.

In fact we wonder why they exist at all.

Not true. If the women is A.) not single or B.) nice but I'm not attracted to her, I can establish a friend zone.

Problem is on B.) is my theory no two single people of opposite gender can be true friends if one is attracted to the other in anyway. Now I am no model, but I'm not bad looking either, so B.) does not really happen for me.

A.) is about all I have for women friends.

[Rachelinpa]

:ENFPHIGHFIVE:

Ooooooo! I just learned a trick this weekend! I tend to miss high fives on a fairly frequent basis... BUT! The never fail trick is to look at the other person's elbow when you HIGH FIVE them! You can never miss!

Spectacular!!

[aguanile]

I get friendzoned by every single guy that I like. And I am "funzoned" by every single guy that I don't. Sucks.

[InaF3157]

Yeah, that's why I only wonder but haven't actually done it. It's the "I'm not good enough for you" attitude that seems to keep me single though and it pisses me off to no end. It would be nice to find people where I'm at in life, really nice...
Usually this is little more than a gentle letdown, and they do not actually believe that.

Guys would actually say things like "you're so awesome, and you've got such a pretty face, if only you were thinner," and if I asked them out I usually got "I just don't like you like that." I even had a guy tell me (this was in college after I met the man who would later be my husband, not when I was dating) that he was glad to have me as a friend because I wasn't pretty and therefore didn't intimidate him.
Wow. Just wow.

Here's a little ad hoc list:

1. He talks to you about relationship problems he has.
2. He doesn't want to hang out with you alone, or, if he does, he doesn't really give you his total attention and might talk about other chicks.
3. He doesn't look nervous at all. He's vulnerable around you. Haha. True in most cases.
4. He doesn't make a lot of body contact, save for hugging.
5. He tells you you're in "the friend zone."
6. He never offers to pay, or, if he does, expect you to pay him back.
7. He draws boundaries that he actually sticks to regarding how close you get to avoid giving you the wrong idea.

Great, exhaustive list, though I would boil it down to no. 1 as a definitive friend-zoning. Add no. 2 and it is permanent from my end.

[runvardh]

Usually this is little more than a gentle letdown, and they do not actually believe that.

I've thought of this possibilty and it does add to my "Why the hell do I bother?" pile...

Edit: by the way ladies, your "gentle letdowns" suck hairry monkeyballs!

[Ivy]

Would you prefer we just come right out and say "you make my skin crawl and I'd rather be set on fire"?

[runvardh]

Would you prefer we just come right out and say "you make my skin crawl and I'd rather be set on fire"?

Yes, it's better to hurt hard and quick now than it is to be constantly frustrated. At least then I'd know to toss the game away instead of hoping on the next one.

[InaF3157]

Would you prefer we just come right out and say "you make my skin crawl and I'd rather be set on fire"?

:laugh: I've actually thought something very close to this before. Hmm . . . trying to remember if I said "you're too good for me" instead. :D

[Silently Honest]

Would you prefer we just come right out and say "you make my skin crawl and I'd rather be set on fire"?

If it's true then yes.

[Ivy]

The fact that you would want to rob me of my God-given right to be polite merely underscores my preference to be set aflame than date you. ;)

[InaF3157]

Yes, it's better to hurt hard and quick now than it is to be constantly frustrated. At least then I'd know to toss the game away instead of hoping on the next one.
I don't understand. What does one person's telling you this have to do with the next one? Hope away.

[Silently Honest]

I don't understand. What does one person's telling you this have to do with the next one? Hope away.
If someone broke up with him for a valid reason, and he was told about it, rather then left guessing, he could work on whatever it was drove away the first person, so the next one wouldn't have to deal with it, or atleast when she did it wouldn't be as bad.

[runvardh]

I don't understand. What does one person's telling you this have to do with the next one? Hope away.

Yeah, but after a certain amount of times you start to wonder what it is that is causing the girl to see you that way. If it's something I can find a way to change, great! If not I have to look at if I really should be bothering. In both situations I should also be considering whether or not I'm chasing the right kind of girl as well.

Punch me in the gut if you really give a shit, it will go along way to my self improvement rather than my self-delusionment. The gentle let down is no more than a knife half way in my back that gets twisted constantly.

[InaF3157]

If someone broke up with him for a valid reason, and he was told about it, rather then left guessing, he could work on whatever it was drove away the first person, so the next one wouldn't have to deal with it, or atleast when she did it wouldn't be as bad.
I was under the impression that he was not in a relationship with the person yet.
Yeah, but after a certain amount of times you start to wonder what it is that is causing the girl to see you that way. If it's something I can find a way to change, great! If not I have to look at if I really should be bothering. In both situations I should also be considering whether or not I'm chasing the right kind of girl as well.

Punch me in the gut if you really give a shit, it will go along way to my self improvement rather than my self-delusionment. The gentle let down is no more than a knife half way in my back that gets twisted constantly.
Oh. I see. I can see there would be a problem if she does not, as you put it, "really give a shit", because there is little reason to do you the courtesy of being honest. If it keeps happening with the same "kind of girl", maybe you need to step back and re-evaluate. Get a girl you're not interested in but who knows you well to give you honest feedback.

[runvardh]

Oh. I see. I can see there would be a problem if she does not, as you put it, "really give a shit", because there is little reason to do you the courtesy of being honest. If it keeps happening with the same "kind of girl", maybe you need to step back and re-evaluate. Get a girl you're not interested in but who knows you well to give you honest feedback.

I suppose I can ask her again, but I think I may need a second opinion and I don't have anyone else who would make a non-biased evaluation. *sigh*

[spirilis]

Would you prefer we just come right out and say "you make my skin crawl and I'd rather be set on fire"?

I think that would be acceptable, although I'd check for any sharp wooden objects on their person beforehand ;)

[Wolf]

Few women are exclusively in the friends zone for most single guys. Sometimes they are outside the range the male finds attractive, and therefore are not romantic interests, but they are not boxed as "friends only". Most guys won't interact on anything beyond a complete superficial level with women they don't find at least somewhat attractive. Appearance probably affects it more than anything with males, followed closely by unusual personalities and mannerisms. Some might just not be the type of person they want to be with.

[Edahn]

I get friendzoned by every single guy that I like. And I am "funzoned" by every single guy that I don't. Sucks.

1. You should change your Location to "Friend Zone" because it's funny hilarious. I would change it for you, but I can't.
2. Do you let yourself be put into the funzone? There are a bunch of girl that I've had casual relationships with that I probably would have considered dating if they drew some line and said that they didn't want to mess around without commitment or some prospect of a relationship. It works because it presents a barrier for the guy and it shows lots of self-confidence and independence.

[pure_mercury]

Few women are exclusively in the friends zone for most single guys. Sometimes they are outside the range the male finds attractive, and therefore are not romantic interests, but they are not boxed as "friends only". Most guys won't interact on anything beyond a complete superficial level with women they don't find at least somewhat attractive. Appearance probably affects it more than anything with males, followed closely by unusual personalities and mannerisms. Some might just not be the type of person they want to be with.


I have attractive female friends in the Friend Zone. They can go there for a number of reasons: dating a guy friend of mine, I'm seeing someone, or and sometimes you can just tell that things would work out better outside of a relationship. My Friend Zone for females does not preclude the possibility of sex at some point, though. I just wouldn't want to try to pursue a serious relationship.

[Snail]

I dunno, I think it's possible to tell a lot about a person by what they put a) their time and b) their money into. If someone seems to put a lot of time and money into their appearance, that spells bad news to me... and TROUBLE in future.


Well stated! I wish more guys thought like you do about this. I know that some of you do, and it is unfortunate that you tend to get lumped in with the evil ones when we girls think of "men in general." I admit that non-superficial men are rare in real life, but they are the only ones with whom I would even consider being intimate. I have to hold on to the hope that a few of you still exist, and seeing your post was reassuring.

As for ugly girls not believing guys who claim to be attracted to us, I don't usually have that problem. I know that I have enough positive non-physical qualities to be attractive to a non-materialist who values the person more than the container. The problem is in trying to find the kind of guy who doesn't care about physical qualities, not in trying to believe that he is sincere once I have located him. I don't assume that a man is lying about wanting to be with me unless I get a desperate "I'd screw anything with a hole just to get laid" vibe off of him. If he comes up to me and seems attracted to me before we have a conversation, that is a sign for concern and I generally won't even consider him because it can be assumed that he isn't attracted to me for my ideas or my compassionate nature, which he has not yet had time to discover. There are stupid guys out there who see ugly girls as easier to get than pretty girls, because they think we must be desperate like they are. They are usually easy to distinguish from real people, so they are more like pests than any seriously threatening problem. I'm not one of the funny, outgoing fat girls, but even I occasionally get offers from guys who think I am deep or kind. More often, I am rejected or put in the friend-zone, but if a guy is so superficial that he can't see my value, I wouldn't be romantically compatible with him anyhow.

[Wolf]

dating a guy friend of mine
Not really the friends zone for me, but the respectfully-off-limits zone, which includes married women. They tend to be the easiest to be friends with because there's no tension there because there is safety on both sides.

I'm seeing someone
That doesn't place them in the friends zone, just the "indefinitely-on-hold" zone. I might watch out for these women, though, and try to help them avoid bad relationships/situations.

and sometimes you can just tell that things would work out better outside of a relationship. My Friend Zone for females does not preclude the possibility of sex at some point, though. I just wouldn't want to try to pursue a serious relationship.
Right.

Women classify the vast majority of men this way and call it the "friends zone".

[pure_mercury]

Not really the friends zone for me, but the respectfully-off-limits zone, which includes married women. They tend to be the easiest to be friends with because there's no tension there because there is safety on both sides.

Well, they aren't AUTOMATICALLY friends, but they can be. But they are off-limits, obviously.


That doesn't place them in the friends zone, just the "indefinitely-on-hold" zone. I might watch out for these women, though, and try to help them avoid bad relationships/situations.

I don't have this "indefinitely-on-hold" zone. I really am not thinking about other options when I am in a relationship, since I am so focused on making it work. Other than the base "Damn! That's a hot-ass chick!" male instinct, other women don't get into my head. I'd just end the relationship if I found myself thinking that way. I NEVER get into the compare/contrast stuff when it comes to women I date, and it pisses me off to no end knowing that my girlfriend may do it to me.

[Night]

Am I the only male with an unassailable friend zone?

[runvardh]

A bad personality can make me adverse to a girl much quicker than a few extra pounds. I've even dated a girl who had a shape simmilar to a large DQ sundae just because she was a good girl who I could actually go out and do stuff with. What sucked was that she was still too dependant on her parents and they decided they wanted to move. I'm thinking that was the real reason why she pushed away, but she did it in a very emo drama queen sort of way. I even found out later from a mutual friend that she was saying I didn't seem to care anymore; I guess a girl has to do anything she can to create that dissconnect... *sigh*

[Wolf]

I don't have this "indefinitely-on-hold" zone. I really am not thinking about other options when I am in a relationship, since I am so focused on making it work. Other than the base "Damn! That's a hot-ass chick!" male instinct, other women don't get into my head. I'd just end the relationship if I found myself thinking that way. I NEVER get into the compare/contrast stuff when it comes to women I date, and it pisses me off to no end knowing that my girlfriend may do it to me.
Not sure how to define it other than that. Maybe I misunderstand the "friends zone" concept - I understood it to be "these are people of the opposite gender that I like as friends and would never consider a relationship with", which is different from the way I think. Maybe it's the same thing, but the vast majority of females seem to readily lump males into this and won't ever change their position. Males will convert females from this zone, hence I consider these different. True "friendzoning", at least for me, requires that the person have distinct positive attributes coupled with a personality that I could never get along with in a relationship. These are people I would say "no" to if they asked, even if there was nothing precluding it.

[pure_mercury]

Not sure how to define it other than that. Maybe I misunderstand the "friends zone" concept - I understood it to be "these are people of the opposite gender that I like as friends and would never consider a relationship with", which is different from the way I think. Maybe it's the same thing, but the vast majority of females seem to readily lump males into this and won't ever change their position. Males will convert females from this zone, hence I consider these different. True "friendzoning", at least for me, requires that the person have distinct positive attributes coupled with a personality that I could never get along with in a relationship. These are people I would say "no" to if they asked, even if there was nothing precluding it.

I have a female friend just like that. Beautiful Russian girl. We always have a great time (and her current boyfriend has become one of my good friends). I talked to her about it once, and I was like, "It would be fun for like 3 months, and the sex would be great, but we'd want to strangle each other." She agrees.

[YourLocalJesus]

If she is "friend zoned"?

Exactly. We don't have the friend zone. If we're not feminine gay, in wich case we probably would not be interested in ladies in the first place. :yes:

[Lateralus]

Would you prefer we just come right out and say "you make my skin crawl and I'd rather be set on fire"?
Definitely. I'd rather know the real reason, rather than listen to some bullshit.

[Ivy]

Definitely. I'd rather know the real reason, rather than listen to some bullshit.

Huh. Well, I'd rather be polite and get out of there ASAP than be blunt and have the guy drill me for more info or challenge my opinion or whatever. Most guys wouldn't take hearing that too well. I don't think I owe anybody an explanation of why I don't want to date them.

If we're breaking up, then it seems like a public service to give the real reasons why, but for just turning a guy down on a date? Why isn't a kind untruth enough?

[InaF3157]

Huh. Well, I'd rather be polite and get out of there ASAP than be blunt and have the guy drill me for more info or challenge my opinion or whatever. Most guys wouldn't take hearing that too well. I don't think I owe anybody an explanation of why I don't want to date them.

If we're breaking up, then it seems like a public service to give the real reasons why, but for just turning a guy down on a date? Why isn't a kind untruth enough?

hehehe.
Imagine if it is because he came across like someone who ate kittens for breakfast and puppies for supper. Try being honest there.

[Lateralus]

Huh. Well, I'd rather be polite and get out of there ASAP than be blunt and have the guy drill me for more info or challenge my opinion or whatever. Most guys wouldn't take hearing that too well. I don't think I owe anybody an explanation of why I don't want to date them.

If we're breaking up, then it seems like a public service to give the real reasons why, but for just turning a guy down on a date? Why isn't a kind untruth enough?
Eh, I wasn't talking about 'dating', I was talking about a relationship. I guess I misunderstood you.

Personally, if I don't want a second date, I just don't bother to call them again. If they call me and ask for a reason, I'm pretty blunt. They asked for it.

[htb]

After a date, the man shakes her hand, looks her in the eyes earnestly and says, "So, I'll see you around."

[Hmm]

For the record, the "friendzone" for females means that not only would she not be open to a romantic relationship with the guy, she also would not have sex with him either.

When I asked about the male "friendzone" in my original post, what I was really asking about was the concept of being "indefinitely on hold".

[aguanile]

Edahn,
1. Good idea, I think I will make that my location...cause I always find myself there.
2. I dunno about the fun zone...I get put there by old, crusty, crazy, guys. eh or guys that I am not attracted to.

[pure_mercury]

For the record, the "friendzone" for females means that not only would she not be open to a romantic relationship with the guy, she also would not have sex with him either.

When I asked about the male "friendzone" in my original post, what I was really asking about was the concept of being "indefinitely on hold".

"Indefinitely on hold" how, though? The male "friend zone" can include friendship AND sex, but not a romantic relationship.

[Silently Honest]

I don't think any male would close doors like that, that's a little extreme.

[pure_mercury]

I don't think any male would close doors like that, that's a little extreme.

I would and have. They wouldn't be in the friend zone if I wanted to date them. I'd make my intentions clear.

[Edahn]

2. I dunno about the fun zone...I get put there by old, crusty, crazy, guys. eh or guys that I am not attracted to.

Implying that you're attracted to old crusty crazy guys? Heh.

http://blakep.com/crazy%20old%20man.jpg

And I can see why! :heart:

[InaF3157]

Dude, I just ate.

[Udog]

How would a woman know if she is friend-zoned? You have to tell pretty much the same way we guys have to with women. Which is to say, it isn't easy. Hints are usually subtle and disguised (don't want to hurt feelings, afterall).

Actually, I don't think knowing is the hard part for women... it's the acceptance. I've heard my fair share of women asking about guys, and they always seem to know the guy isn't that interested. They just aren't always ready to admit it.

[Wolf]

When I asked about the male "friendzone" in my original post, what I was really asking about was the concept of being "indefinitely on hold".
Now that I think about it, it is similar to the "off-limits" zone, only for opposite reasons.

It's pretty easy - they don't have circumstances or patterns that make them unsuitable, other situations prohibit it, and they are friends. There are a lot of little caveats, but it's not easy to explain them all (like cool-down periods, permanently-prohibitive situations, past relationship patterns, etc).

For various reasons, in the past I haven't made my interest known (and probably never will). It's a shot in the dark, but if they make their interest known or just ask, they might be surprised that I like them, too. I really liked some, then found out that they were dating someone, and realized it was good I didn't say anything... Varelse is an example of this. *sighs*

[cafe]

How would a woman know if she is friend-zoned? You have to tell pretty much the same way we guys have to with women. Which is to say, it isn't easy. Hints are usually subtle and disguised (don't want to hurt feelings, afterall).

Actually, I don't think knowing is the hard part for women... it's the acceptance. I've heard my fair share of women asking about guys, and they always seem to know the guy isn't that interested. They just aren't always ready to admit it.
Ugh! I've seen that a lot. It's embarrassing to watch. Not that I haven't done it myself back in the day. :doh:

[Hmm]

"Indefinitely on hold" how, though? The male "friend zone" can include friendship AND sex, but not a romantic relationship.

I'm not interested in a friends with benefits situation.

[runvardh]

I'm not interested in a friends with benefits situation.

Best thing to do then is pass and wait/look for another one; just hope the wait time isn't too long or the next one isn't also absorbed in someone else.

[Hmm]

Yeah, I agree. Thanks.

[pure_mercury]

I'm not interested in a friends with benefits situation.

Fair enough. Many people aren't. I usually advise against it, since people end up getting emotionally involved anyway a lot of the time, or they are just immature to begin with. I'd let it go for now, then.

[freebird]

Personally, if I don't want a second date, I just don't bother to call them again. If they call me and ask for a reason, I'm pretty blunt. They asked for it.

This confuses me given a situation I'm dealing with presently. To preface, I'm nearly always friend zoned (due to a reported intimidation factor) but have some amazing guy friends as a result. However, I did go out with someone who is mutual friends with a couple of my male friends and quickly realized I wasn't interested in romance there. When he asked me out a second time I was very straightforward but (I thought) kind in stating that I only wanted to be friends and that we shouldn't go out again. The problem arose when a couple of our mutual friends stated that my actions/bluntness made me even more unapproachable than I had been previously. That sucks! I didn't want to give him any false hope, but apparently that intimidates guys...

[Rachelinpa]

This confuses me given a situation I'm dealing with presently. To preface, I'm nearly always friend zoned (due to a reported intimidation factor) but have some amazing guy friends as a result. However, I did go out with someone who is mutual friends with a couple of my male friends and quickly realized I wasn't interested in romance there. When he asked me out a second time I was very straightforward but (I thought) kind in stating that I only wanted to be friends and that we shouldn't go out again. The problem arose when a couple of our mutual friends stated that my actions/bluntness made me even more unapproachable than I had been previously. That sucks! I didn't want to give him any false hope, but apparently that intimidates guys...

It sounds like you did the right thing. I mean, it seems like if you were interested in a guy, it would be different. You weren't interested in him so you played it out that way openly and honestly. Does it matter that he was intimidated since you did not see him as more than a friend anyhow? I mean, I guess I can understand how you don't want to be viewed as unapproachable, but at the same time, it does not seem to be deterring guys--as you have "amazing guy friends." Unless I am missing something, it seems they are classified as guy friends because you are not interested in them romantically, and it is not simply due to the intimidation factor.

One more thing, I've been told I can be intimidating to guys too (I assume primarily because of my brutal honesty). Truth is though, it's not like I'm going to alter myself to be with someone who can't take it. Just a thought.