I've given up dating for a while.....

[Decon]

Yes I decided to start a thread, but back to the topic.

Looking at the experiences of members on both forums I frequent, and real life experience, I've decided not to date until I'm done with college. Which is gonna be for a few years. The three girlfirneds I've had have not been the greatest. One was a daddy's girl, the second dropped off the face of the earth it seems, and my first one was physically abusive. So I've decided to save myself the trouble and expense (both fiscally and emotionally) of dating by waiting. But then I rmeber something my buddy said to me, (damn seeing all sides sometimes) and that even though high school sucked, and that I shouldn't use it as a reason not to date when I go to college.

But then I visited the college I plan on attending and I saw that it's a lot like the alternative high school I attended for the last two years of my high school learning. Which means that no one is gonna be too interested in dating someone like myself, so why should I even bother worry about dating while I attend there?

Since the college I plan on attending is only gonna be for two years, and then once I have my major picked I'll transfer to a four year and finish up my last two years there.

Anyways, I was just trying to figure out if this was/is a rash desicion to make, and seeing as how there are a plethora of types here that have different points of veiw, I would love to get others opinion. Thanks for those who decide to contribute. I shall wait for replies from everyone. :coffee:

[Samuel De Mazarin]

I think it's a good idea, as long as your commitment to not dating has some loopholes for the unexpected... perhaps your criteria for selection got you dating people who were chronically not right for you... So some reticence in dating might make your next relationship a better-chosen one.

I, on the other hand, got into several relationships where the girls were wonderful, amazing people whom I regret letting go of, but my own life was in too much turmoil for me to manage something stable when I myself was unstable... I've also taken a break from anything more than a fling... (that was me... you don't read unstable at all... just presenting another perspective!)

[Rachelinpa]

Excellent! I think it's a great idea. I didn't date until my second semester Senior year in college. Focus, focus!

If you keep up with this, I will be very impressed.

Currently, I have that thought like every other day.

NO MORE DATING FOR ME! I'M DONE FOR NOW!

But, that like drinking, is merely a thought and passes quickly...

[helen]

I think it's a good decision. :nice:

I didn't date at all as a teenager, and never had a boy friend until now. I'm 22. I don't at all regret spending the previous years "alone" as I was able to mature and grow, and feel that I bring more to a relationship now because of it.

[gokartride]

I gave up, too....one year somehow turned into five years and then into ten. Now I think I've painted myself into a corner. I have so defined my life around singleness that I would now have no clue how to engage in a coupled existance. Add to this that I find, as time has gone by, that I have too little in common with most of the ladies I meet out here in suburbia. I am certain someone special is out there...but I am no longer sure our paths will ever cross. It does happen that way....and I have ceased to fret over the fact that life is unfair.

When one is young and the bulk one's life remains to be written, it is easier to find a partner and grow together. After many years, though, a good part of one's story is complete, and it becomes more difficult, especially if it is true companionship one seeks.

I could be bitter, but I am not....I am happy. Thankfully I have enough friends to keep my essentially loving nature alive. If you don't/can't have a partner, one can always make up for it with a superabundance of good friends to make sure the embers don't go out completely.

[Randomnity]

As long as you realize that your decision may change when you meet a particular girl. For instance, my first boyfriend didn't plan on dating for his undergrad (4 years) until he met me in first year. :D I'm a bad influence, I guess.

I can't really see the point in deliberately waiting. Relationship experiences may be useful later on when you're trying to find something more serious, and trying to get along with someone long-term. And of course, it's a whole lot of fun, if you find a good match!

I found college MUCH different form high school, though. The people are far more interesting and somewhat more mature, and you have more options for choosing friends/dates.

[Decon]

Well Samuel; it's a comprehensive plan. There are no loop holes as far as I can tell. Anytime I have started hanging out with girls outside of school or my voluntering hours, it's always been for a mix of reasons. The strongest being that I was attracted to the girl. But it seems that it needs to be done strictly on a buisness level. Something I forgot to mention in my OP was that I have had countless attractions to different types of girls, and all of them have either friend-zoned me or we stopped talking for some reason or another. (Mostly because I pushed them away by not answering calls or they moved or I/them just stopped caring)

Well Rachelinpa; not to toot my own horn but I've been able to give up a lot of things and stick to it. Caffine being a big one.

Well helen; this may sound a bit condesending, but I think that most, if not all of the girls I've been attracted to were too immature for me. Most people think that I'm anywhere from early 20s to mid 30s online. When in actuality, I'm only 18.

Well gokartride; considering the most of the people I meet and start to hang out with usually stop talking to me inside of a year, even finding friends takes a bit of work. Since I've always been seen as that one "weird kid" since I was a kid.

Well Randomnity; that's what my buddy keeps saying. That I'm using a bad experience to determine how the short course future will work out.

Well, I want to give a big thank you for those who have replied so far. It's really great to look at all these replies and see different sides of the issue. I shall await more from both hopefully the preople who've already replied and from people who want to. :coffee:

[Martoon]

There would be some benefits to not dating while in college, especially if you're finding things overwhelming and have enough to deal with getting through college. And most college-age people do, in fact, still have a lot of growing up to do.

On the other hand, you have a larger pool of candidates to interact with while in college. There aren't very many environments you're likely to end up in with that many single women around your age. Not that you want or need a huge number to date. It's just that in the difficult process of finding someone who fits with you, your odds are better with a larger sample set. Not dating is fine, but you might want to take this opportunity to just interact with and get to know a number of people, just to see what kinds of personalities are out there, and how you click with them. You'll also learn a lot about yourself in the process.

[Decon]

There would be some benefits to not dating while in college, especially if you're finding things overwhelming and have enough to deal with getting through college. And most college-age people do, in fact, still have a lot of growing up to do.

On the other hand, you have a larger pool of candidates to interact with while in college. There aren't very many environments you're likely to end up in with that many single women around your age. Not that you want or need a huge number to date. It's just that in the difficult process of finding someone who fits with you, your odds are better with a larger sample set. Not dating is fine, but you might want to take this opportunity to just interact with and get to know a number of people, just to see what kinds of personalities are out there, and how you click with them. You'll also learn a lot about yourself in the process.

Right, but as I said in my reply to all who had posted before, is that I think that I should only allow myself to do that on strictly a buisness level. (Which in this case would be school related) And that if I find myself becoming attracted to someone, I need to disspell thouse thoughs as soon as I catch them so that way I can get on in life. (Well at least where college in concerned)

[whatever]

:thinking: I always thought that dating and the mistakes and good things that came from it were part of the learning experience of college, just as much so as going to classes or listening to visiting lecturers. That may be just my point of view though- I wouldn't give up my college dating experiences, even the really bad ones, for anything, but that's because they helped make me who I am.

You live and you learn, everyone makes thier own decisions and if that's yours go for it- I personally would never do it, but then again, you aren't me :)

[iluvstellacat]

I never really think it's a good idea to close yourself off completely to the idea of love. You never can tell when it's going to creep up on you anyway. College is about so much more than just the textbook learning and getting good grades. I never really fit into my high school. I didn't date. I wasn't a social leper, by any means, but I was that quiet mousy girl in the back who knew all the answers and ended up valedictorian. When I went off to college, I went to a school that I really did not fit into. It was driven by the Greek community. It seemed like anyone that was anyone had to be in a sorority/fraternity around my school... To be quite honest, I took on the opinion that those people weren't really worth my time and that they really didn't want to know me either. I happily kept to myself for a couple of years and just spared myself the agony of putting up with "those" people. It wasn't until my Junior year, when I had some classes in biochem with required study groups, that I started to interact with different sorts of people. What I found was that a lot of those folks that I just typecasted as being snobbish and pretentious were not in the least. I was just labeling them as such out of my own insecurities. It's kind of funny, in fact, that I did eventually open myself up to getting to know the people around me. It was kind of scary, since I guess I am pretty damn shy. But I ended up making some really cool friends and dated some really cool guys.... guys that I previously would not even consider just because I had consciously not tried to even get to know them more.

I'm not saying that it's really a glorious world out there where all people are really just incredibly great and worthwhile if you get to know them. I do not believe that at all. But what I am saying is that I shut myself off to the possibility of getting to know people early on in college and it wasn't until I was well into it that I found that I had made assumptions about people as a whole without giving the individual the benefit of the doubt.
Some say college is the best time of your life. I wouldn't necessarily agree with that 100% for all people, but it can be true. And part of college is just being around other people of similar age...all emerging into adulthood, learning about themselves, getting the knowledge they need to carry them on throughout there lives.. i just think it would be a complete shame to make decisions about closing yourself off to any one part of it until you've had a chance to live in it a bit.

so blah blah...sorry for the long response. Your post just hit home a bit.

[Decon]

Well iluvstellacat; My thinking is that since it's gonna be almost exactly like my high school, everyone is gonna be focusing on getting the grades and stuff, that dating is secondary. So I think that I'm just getting into the train of thought that all the other students are going to be in.

Well whatever; I thought aboutwhat martoon said and my reply to what he(/she) said that it seems I'm trying to get into the mindset of being the consumate buisness man, so to speak. Of being in that mindset so that way I could avoid going from relationship to relationship. (Or from crush/attraction to the next)

[onecoolguy]

no one is gonna be too interested in dating someone like myself, so why should I even bother worry about dating while I attend there?

Is this the main reason why you're not looking at dating? You really never know what's out there, and this opinion is really limiting your chances of meeting someone great. College is definitely an experience outside the classes and grades.

It's okay not to look. Putting grades as your #1 priority is actually the best thing to do, but at the same time, the worst thing you could do is only have ONE priority. Put the girl at #2, see what happens. You will meet people all the time, make new friends, hang out with friends of friends, do things together, and this really does increase your odds of finding someone you're compatible with. You seem like someone who's going to be successful at school, so do it and be confident about it. If a girl isn't interested in that, no hard feelings - she wasn't for you, anyway. In fact, there will be increased chances of you finding a girl that respects your views, since most of the people like making the grade (from your description of your school you're going to).

Many people believe their time can only be devoted to one thing at any given moment (only school, only a relationship, only being president of a student club, only working). I believe that's inefficient. You seem smart enough to be able to layer your time commitments. With relationships, I believe this view is necessary. Life shouldn't be a competition between things that you do - it should be an accumulation of things and this is what completes you as a person.

Other reasons to date in college:
1. You're youthful, and so are your peers. You look your best at this age, and it's the prime of the physical attractiveness of your life. Dating beautiful college women when you're 40 isn't exactly optimal (millionaires excluded, hahah)
2. Social opportunities are at their best. You go to the same school. The ice is already broken. Later on in your professional life, you're going to have to do just that - stay professional. If you don't, you risk your job. Dating a classmate won't get you kicked out of class, and dating a fellow club officer won't ban you from the club.
3. You're a guy entering college. Come on. How long do you think you'll last if you actually "gave up"? Your hormones will disagree, and win, if you quit dating even before you start.

Human beings, after all the new TVs, video games, message boards, video conferences, online dating, still strive for that one thing: human contact with another individual. A relationship may not happen, but you should leave the door open. You don't have to go outside, but why not let someone in when they pass by?

[iluvstellacat]

It sounds to me like you have your mind already made up on the matter. I do think you are being rash in making your decision now based on assumptions that you have without even experiencing it yet. It's easy to throw up walls in advance. You won't have any dating drama if you don't date. But eventually, you will want to date. And experience with women is best gained by being around a few...

[Decon]

Well onecoolguy; I also have other things besides school as most others do. I do volunteer work, am planning on having a job, and the trip from school to my house would take about an hour by bus. (No I'm not planning on driving) As for the hormones thing, If I can keep my hormones in control for all this time already, I think they could wait another 4-6 years.

Well iluvstellacat; consider that since I usually end up making with friends with girls a lot easier than guys, who do you think I will spend my time talking to? It's just that I need to make sure that it's done for resons other then that I'm attracted to her.

[Snail]

Be careful about planning for things you might not be able to control. Love happens. I was planning to be a virgin until I married. I'm neither married now, nor a virgin. I blame college. Every time I have ever said "never," something happens to change the situation, either for good or for bad, just for the sake of proving me wrong.

[Jughead]

Why would you want to make a concrete decision not to date? Why not just go with the flow?

[kelric]

I gave up, too....one year somehow turned into five years and then into ten. Now I think I've painted myself into a corner. I have so defined my life around singleness that I would now have no clue how to engage in a coupled existance. Add to this that I find, as time has gone by, that I have too little in common with most of the ladies I meet out here in suburbia. I am certain someone special is out there...but I am no longer sure our paths will ever cross. It does happen that way....and I have ceased to fret over the fact that life is unfair.


There would be some benefits to not dating while in college, especially if you're finding things overwhelming and have enough to deal with getting through college. And most college-age people do, in fact, still have a lot of growing up to do.

On the other hand, you have a larger pool of candidates to interact with while in college. There aren't very many environments you're likely to end up in with that many single women around your age. Not that you want or need a huge number to date. It's just that in the difficult process of finding someone who fits with you, your odds are better with a larger sample set. Not dating is fine, but you might want to take this opportunity to just interact with and get to know a number of people, just to see what kinds of personalities are out there, and how you click with them. You'll also learn a lot about yourself in the process.

I can't agree enough with Gokartride and Martoon. You will almost certainly never have anywhere near the possibilities for meeting people that you will in college. Certainly not once you start working - it's a cliche, but it really *IS* much, much more difficult to meet people as you get older, for most people. College is the top of that peak, I'm afraid. It's very easy to say "I'm focusing on other things", or "I'll be better off not dating until...", but don't let life pass you by. Obviously, there's no reason to force yourself to date, but it sounds like you're pretty active and meet a lot of people in your current environment - if you find someone you'd like to get to know better, don't close off the option out of hand. You don't want to be regretting that decision later in life. It can happen.

[01011010]

If you think dating takes too much time and energy in which you need to use for focus on your studies, by all means do so. Drive and attaining goals is important.

However, if you merely don't want to because you haven't met anyone that meets your standards yet, don't close the door. Just be open. Some of my friends went to community college for the first two years to save money and they are wonderful people. Super bright. As someone said above, "go with the flow."

[Mondo]

That's probably a good idea.
Focus on your studies first.
When you transfer, I would say don't focus on dating too much.
Just focus on making friends and the right person will come along.

[Decon]

Dear kelric, You make a good point. I have no good answer to what you said. But I guess one reason why I'm doing it is because it seems that the girls I do get to know either already have a BF or see me as the the guy friend they talk to about other guys. So I guess a major part about why I've thought about doing this is for that reason.

Dear 01011010; It's not that no one has met my standards, in fact from it. But as I just said in my reply to kelric, it's because the girls don't see me as boyfriend material. I think that it's through no fault of my own, but if it is then :doh:.

Dear Mondo, Since I don't know if/when I am transferring to the four year to finish, I think that it's a good idea to stick to the "No dating" policy for the last two-four years of my college life.

[Maabus1999]

Why would you want to make a concrete decision not to date? Why not just go with the flow?

What this person said is the way to go. If it happens it happens. On a side, one interesting observation I've had is the harder you try at something, the less likely it will happen. This includes dating