My colleague doesn't ask me any questions!!!

[sunray]

Hi,

This is my first post so excuse me if i'm in the wrong place or not using the correct etiquette.

I am female, 27, live in the UK and work at a university in a small administrative office with just one other girl who is also 27.

We have been working together for 3 months and she is starting to drive me crazy becuase she talks AT me constantly.

She walks in the door talking about her night out/wkd/meal/aching feet/greasy hair or whatever is on her mind and yet never EVER asks me a question about myself - EVER!

I am quite a chatty person myself (But not overbearing i like to think i have some self awareness!) - but she makes me almost mute because she never asks me anything about myself and i am sick of humouring her!

I have actually had a peice of paper on my desk for the last week with the aim being to make a tick every time she asked me a question (just to check if i was over-reacting) and it's empty!?!? completely empty, she hasn't asked me a single thing.

Because it's a small office i don't want a confrontation or to make the environment any worse - She doesn't take any kind of critisim or "suggestion" well and tends to sulk if i say something she doesn't want to hear or do.

I just want an easy life but am now starting to ignore her completely which isn't great for our environment - what should I do!?!?!?

Thank You.

[lastrailway]

I'd say your colleague isn't very interested in establishing any communication between the two, so maybe you could as well give up trying. Just pretend you are very busy and only chat with her (or rather, let her speaking) for small periods of time.

BTW welcome.

[sunray]

Oh dear.... I was wondering if there was something i could say but that sounds like a firm "no, don't bother".

I have met and worked with large number of pleasant, unpleasant and slightly barmy people but i have never met someone like this before!

She isn't stupid. she can be very charming (to others) when she wants to be but we don't have anything in common other than being the same age.

I just can't belive that she could be that self involved - do this people actually exist!?!?!?!?

[Modern Nomad]

umm...

just look at them with a far off look in your face. like u are about to fall asleep... lol

i don't know why u would let someone like that register on your radar...

[sunray]

Well... we work in a very small office and we do admin so my experience in other roles shows that your work is much more enjoyable if you get on with the other person than if you don't!

I guess I was hoping for a way to get her more interested so that we could actually have some fun and conversations together instead of sitting in deafening silence 40 hours a week! (with the exception of her incessant outbursts which are slowing starting to dry up now i am pretty much ignoring her!).

I wondered if there was anything i was doing wrong i guess.

[sciski]

Have you tried simply offering information about yourself and seeing if she continues the interaction? She might simply have no self-awareness about her self-centredness. Some people are like that...

Try being assertive about it - ask her if she's noticed that she hasn't seemed to ask you how you're doing.. and let her know it's been bothering you a bit. This could be hard to manage in a nice tone if you're really irritated though. And it could backfire depending on the type of person she is - you're the best judge!

Or you could just keep things polite and cordial as you're doing... but it sounds like it's stressing you out, so acting on it would be better.

The other alternative is the good old voodoo doll. :D

[sunray]

Thank You Sciski for your thoughts. When i've done somthing of interest I used to mention it. i go away for weekends quite a lot, i got out quite a lot and generally have lots of things to talk about - but whenever i would mention anything i would either get a zero response or at best an "mmmm..." before she cuts in with her "news".

I remember in our first month she used to talk over me all the time. I managed to get her to stop that by being assertive and just staring at her until she realised what she did!

Now she just doesn't respond at all!

I could say something to her but i will get one of two responses:

- Token questions asked with no interest in the response (worse than no questions at all in my opinion!)

- A huge strop and really negative atmosphere.

Think the voodoo doll could be a good idea as i'm realising that this is just hopeless!

[LowEnd]

From what I can tell, she sounds like a great coworker.

sciski has the right idea I think.

I'd be blatant about it.
Do an impression of her voice, and use it to ask yourself some conversational questions. If shes an idiot she'll think your crazy, if shes not an idiot, she might get what your doing.

You could take it to the extreme and just ask her everything about everything. If she starts telling you about her night out ask her how many steps she took that night, or how many times she touched her hair. Once again, her idiocy will determine it's effectiveness.

Alternatively, just ask her how many questions she thinks shes asked you in the last month or so.
That should get to the root of the problem.

Another option, talk at her incessantly.

I know you'd rather be civil and pleasant, but I'd settle for disharmony in the workplace if the only other option was to listen to endless drivel from a chirpy, ignorant narcissist. Good luck either way.

[sunray]

Ha! Thank You LowEnd but i think she would think i was a little wierd and i can just see me doing that as my boss walks in making me look stupid!

If it was in a private setting i might be able to though!

I thought i would make a point today of mentioning that i went to this really cool new bar last night so i said "hey i went to the sky bar last night" i just got the response "i don't like those sorts of places" to which i said "why not?" (dammit! i found myself asking her a question - this was not meant to happen!!!!) and she sneered and said "i wouldn't want to go there - i just don't like those types of places - I guess the view might be ok though".

And that was that.................

I think i have just reached my limit - this might be war!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[spirilis]

Buy some nerf guns and duke it out with her!

[nottaprettygal]

It actually sounds like she's a bit threatened by you if she's as talkative with other people as you make her out to be. Do you work with other females? Are you both similar in age? Are you better looking or smarter or more interesting than her?

Still, sounds like a pretty great problem to have. ;)

[runvardh]

Sounds like someone who's past age of majority, but never grew up. I do react to these people in the way of, "That's nice," and continue to work. Then again, I'm an introvert so I can get away with living in a fabricated world that excludes people like that. I feel bad for you... :(

[Jennifer]

I'd say your colleague isn't very interested in establishing any communication between the two, so maybe you could as well give up trying. Just pretend you are very busy and only chat with her (or rather, let her speaking) for small periods of time.

I agree. If you give her a foot, she'll take a country mile... and blame you for getting resentful.

You are never obligated to make room for someone who violates your boundaries. If she can't watch her step, you'll need to watch it for her.

BTW welcome.

That too. :hug:

Buy some nerf guns and duke it out with her!

Supersoakers might be appropriate too.

[Firelie]

I'd be interested to see what would happen if you did the same thing back to her...just start talking at her the second she comes in the door and don't let her take the conversation back. Let me know if her head explodes (that's my current theory).

[sunray]

[QUOTE=nottaprettygal;267034]It actually sounds like she's a bit threatened by you if she's as talkative with other people as you make her out to be. QUOTE]

Well.... I wouldn't say she is talkative with other people in general - just the boss or senior people who come round the office! She can be quite rude to people she classes as below her or just doesn't like on sight.

I think a potential issue may be that we are the same age but i have a lot more senior experience than her and i am technically her supervisor on a higher salary (however she is impossible to manage and really resents being asked to do anything so i generally try and give her as little to do as possible just to try and keep an easy life! - weak i know!).


However..... i am only working a maternity leave conract until mar 09 so she knows she will be shot of me then which is why she knows can get away with being so difficult i suspect.

Lookswise she is your typical blond haired, blue eyed, fashionable, slim "handbag blond" (as i call them) and i am...well the opposite with big curly black hair and brown eyes and very little interest in fashion (although i look reasonable i'm not compeltely unstylish!).

We're roughly the same size in weight but our "looks" and lives completely opposite and we don't have anything in common.

My partner is a woman so that may be an issue (and why she doesn't want to know anything about me!) but i could be reading too much into that... From her general comments she comes across as quite narrow minded in general but i don't like to make negative assumptions...

[sunray]

I'd be interested to see what would happen if you did the same thing back to her...just start talking at her the second she comes in the door and don't let her take the conversation back. Let me know if her head explodes (that's my current theory).

By the way a couple of months ago i did try this (although not intentionally!) because i had an exciting couple of weeks doing lots of things and i would start to tell her about them and she would just cut me off and say "i've got work to do now so i can't listen to you". brilliantly ruthless!

[nottaprettygal]

Hrm. If you don't have a problem with confrontation, I would just approach her about her rudeness with something like, "I may be imagining this, but it seems like you don't care for me. Is there something I can do to make this work relationship more pleasant?"

That statement doesn't place blame on her, so she shouldn't feel like she's being attacked. It just looks honestly inquisitive.

If that doesn't work, I'd throw a brick at her car.

[booyalab]

Well.... I wouldn't say she is talkative with other people in general - just the boss or senior people who come round the office! She can be quite rude to people she classes as below her or just doesn't like on sight.


Why are you surprised that she doesn't seem to care about you if she doesn't seem to care about anyone? She sounds like a classic diva. I've dealt with my share of them at my current job, like this one girl who won't do certain menial tasks because she claims that it's "men's work", even though the jobs don't require significant physical strength. You could try reasoning with them but it's unlikely that several seconds of words would be that effective in the face of decades of a spoiled rotten upbringing. Those people are frustrating but it's probably best to just ignore them and don't take their shitty personalities too personally.

[file cabinet]

you should put on headphones and listen to audiobooks... or, what about saying the same line back to her "i've got work to do now so i can't listen to you."

[sunray]

Why are you surprised that she doesn't seem to care about you if she doesn't seem to care about anyone? .

That is the sound of the nail being hit on the head!

I guess I just wanted to salvage a positive relationship because we spend SO much time together. However, i think that is pointless i just have to accept this is a very spoilt little girl (she is by the way VERY spolit - you wouldn't belive what her parents lavish on her!).

It's a shame as i like to see the positives in everbody - but i just don't think she has any.

I guess i'll just focus on the other people in the department - they're are much nicer!

ho-hum.......